GAH dang if you do dang if you dont

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Isn't that really the way it goes. It is amazing to me how much my mother has backed herself in a very lonely corner. No one in the family talks to her, but my enfather and myself. She has pushed it so far that even my children ages 8 and 11 do not want to talk over the phone, or stop at her house to say HI. Her latest threat was no Christmas presents - both kids said OK- they really do not care.

How do you tell her this without hurting her feelings, because when the kids do refuse to talk it is my fault because of the things I have said behind her back.( Yeah, I have said nothing) it is her constant actions that I believe the kids are sick of.

I hate to see anyone so alone for Christmas but even if I force the kids to go and be nice it will be a horrible time and more them likely get kicked out for not acting the way she wants us to act.

So again damn if you do, damn if you don't

[Enoughforme]

Isn't that really the way it goes. It is amazing to me how much my mother has backed herself in a very lonely corner. No one in the family talks to her, but my enfather and myself. She has pushed it so far that even my children ages 8 and 11 do not want to talk over the phone, or stop at her house to say HI. Her latest threat was no Christmas presents - both kids said OK- they really do not care.

How do you tell her this without hurting her feelings, because when the kids do refuse to talk it is my fault because of the things I have said behind her back.( Yeah, I have said nothing) it is her constant actions that I believe the kids are sick of.

I hate to see anyone so alone for Christmas but even if I force the kids to go and be nice it will be a horrible time and more them likely get kicked out for not acting the way she wants us to act.

So again damn if you do, damn if you don't

[Kwamina]

Hi Enoughforme

It's sad that your mother through her own behavior has pushed so many people away. Do you feel like your mother in any way has ever shown any kind of acknowledgment of the role she plays in the problems she has with people?

Considering that your mother is disordered and has behaved this way for very long now, it might be quite difficult to get through to her. If you really want to talk to her, it might help taking a look at some of the resources we have here about communication techniques such as validation and S.E.T.. Are you familiar with the S.E.T. technique, have you perhaps ever tried it with your mother?

[Ziggiddy]

hi Enoughforme

I was intrigued by your question:

How do you tell her this without hurting her feelings?

Is it even possible? I guess the real question is this: are you able to tolerate the fact that it is entirely possible (and quite likely that anything you say will hurt her feelings if she chooses to interpret them in that way?

It is quite natural and human to take care of other people's feelings but it shouldn't be at the expense of your own. You are entitled to set your own parameters. As long as you are not deliberately impinging on someone else's then how they feel about it is entirely their own business.

We reap what we sow. if your mother has sown discord then it appropriate for her to deal with the consequences. This is the duty of any adult. It may be more realistic to work on a plan for tolerating how you feel if and when she feels her feelings have been hurt.

Ziggiddy

[Coral]

Danged if you do or don't.  That's the great news!  Once I realized my BPD sis was going to be ticked off, no matter what I did, I started doing what I wanted to do.  Of course, she was a whirling dervish during the first few dust-ups, but when she realized, really realized I was piloting my own life, she's given me a wide neutral berth.  Love it.

[Notwendy]

The kids not wanting to talk to her is a result of their natural boundaries! This is something we kids of BPD parents were not allowed to have. We had to worry about their feelings while they invalidated ours.

Your kids feel creapy with mom? Good ! This is their natural radar. It can keep them from getting tangled up in relationships that are not good for them later on!

I tried to reinforce these boundaries . When my kids tell me they feel uncomfortable around someone I tell them to trust their feelings!

I have been very protective of my kids' boundaries. As they got to be older teens we had the talk about mental illness. They can handle my mom well now as they are more mature and their boundaries are there with her.

She's threatened to not send gifts to them and then after a while forgets and sends them again. Surely her feelings are hurt but your kids' boundaries are more important. In time they may be able to handle some contact - albeit limited- with your mom. This is also the nature of teens- they get busy with their own lives and friends. They spend less time with parents and grandparents as they mature, but also become considerate and do try to at least see family at holidays if they can.