My heart has been broken before but this is so different

[tropicale]

This looks like a great site. Can't wait to read it and soak it up. I'm a new member. My gosh I hope I'm doing this right - please forgive me if I'm not. I'm a single gay woman who left a relationship with a severe BPD, active alcoholic, sex addict, RX presc. abuser, gambler, etc.  It took time to get to know she has these issues and has not dealt with them. Seems she prefers to act these out for whatever it brings her.

I didn't know the ongoing pain of loss that a relationship could bring me to. My heart has been broken before but this is so different. After bouts of withdrawal, depression, isolating, and sadness over the past 1.5 years I actually had some healing. I practiced "No Contact" and stuck to it. I'm in 12 Step recovery and the only respite I've had from absolutely hating her - was to pray for her and try to forgive and move on. If I skipped a day or 2 of prayer, the hatred from a very dark place came boiling back up. So I prayed. We dated for 1.5 years and have been  broken up around 1.5 years.  

I don't understand why we both still feel so strongly connected. It is an "intuitive" relationship with a strong spiritual connection. I have prayed and prayed for God to cut this cord, the connection and any dangling strings. I don't understand still feeling this way. I am a very spiritual person and believe these elements have added to everything and made it harder.

She came back into my life a few weeks ago. She has hit rock bottom again and wants me to rescue her, give her a sense of stability, etc, etc. We met in June 2013, had a volatile relationship, then I ended things suggesting we be "friends". I am on excellent terms with my 3 exes and that's kinda what I'd hoped for.

I just want and need to detach from her - again and was sorely reminded today. We have some horrible unfinished business I wanted to sit down and talk it out and part with a semblance of closure and peace. I think that really would help my mental/emot health in this. Before we were broken up good, she had buddied up with the alcoholics next door and was sleeping with some of them. The coup-de-gras for me was at an alcoholic gathering, and God only knows why these girls would be interested, she blabbed every private, personal thing I'd told her about myself from the beginning. Why would anyone go this low to absolutely shred my  name in the streets? These people did not know me. I came to call this "black revenge" because it came from the BPD - with a black, evil heart. Had to be.

All my emotions were stirred up today when she said something that went right through me - with all the negative emotions, memories, struggles I've been through. After we broke up she received $25,000 and proceeded to tell me how much fun she and all these alcoholic girls had with her bringing them all out to eat, spending money on them, drinking, chasing women, laughing and cutting up. It brought back to me all the emotion, sadness, anger, etc.  She never had money when we were together. Something went through my heart and again I am enraged.

She wants me to do everything I can to help her get Soc. Sec. Disability because she's in such poor shape she can't hold a job. I'm not doing anything for her and feel the hatred rising up in me again. She's a total user, abuser, LOSER, manipulator, selfish, narcissistic, attention whore, etc. My emotions are reeling. If she calls or texts I'm not answering. I want to get back on my healing track. How do I make her leave me alone and not contact me again? I would love to send this post to her but it would be much more descriptive and emotional and mean.

[thisagain]

Welcome to bpdfamily, Tropicale!

It must feel awful to be back in this kind of situation after you were healing and doing better. Whose idea was it to talk after the 1.5 years of "no contact"?

If you want to go back to no contact, you seem to have the right idea: "If she calls or texts I'm not answering." Unfortunately you can't control whether she keeps trying or "make" her leave you alone. (As you probably learned during the relationship, you can't "make" her do anything.) But you can delete messages before reading/listening, and be consistent with not responding. Eventually she'll get the picture. Sometimes it helps to briefly state that you can't help her with XYZ, you do not wish to have any more contact with her and you will not be responding again. Then just be consistent.

BPD breakups are tough. Often much tougher than other breakups, and it can take much longer to reach a sense of finality and peace. The Lessons on the right are a great resource to help you understand what happened in the relationship, why it feels so different than your other relationships, and how to heal.

Hang in there! We're here for you.

[peace74]

Welcome 

Sounds like she has really taken advantage of your loving nature.  Which is why, even though it may be hard, you should cut ties with her for good.  I am also very spiritual.  I often pray that whatever lessons I was meant to learn will be made known and understood so I can heal and move forward.  I also pray that my ex's emotions and energy are not being absorbed by me.  A protection prayer to cleanse me of any energy that does not belong to me.  I also pray for my ex.

Reading the boards will open your eyes and give you strength to heal from this unhealthy relationship. Hang in there and try to stay NC.  If not you will be tempted to help her and be emotionally manipulated. We are here for you 

[Rmbrworst]

Gay male here.

I really don't have much to add other than I know exactly how you feel, and yes this is harder than a normal breakup.  I too am friends with all my ex boyfriends.  We have a great friendship.

However my exBPD discarded me and no longer speaks to me.  It's very painful.

Sorry you are going through this.