Good memories are the worst.

[Depression = 72% of members]

It's funny. I never find myself coming to this board because I remember something really bad that happened, that my ex would have done to me. I won't out of nowhere remember the time she peeled out her car and ran over my foot. I won't remember the time that she didn't speak to me for three days because I didn't eat the entire backed potato that she made. I won't remember getting bruises that took two weeks to heel.  I will fixate on those perfect days.  I will start thinking about how amazing that last July 4th was, I'll start thinking that last birthday of mine being the best of my entire life.  And it's those really good memories that will really throw me off the deep end.

[nparade]

It's funny. I never find myself coming to this board because I remember something really bad that happened, that my ex would have done to me. I won't out of nowhere remember the time she peeled out her car and ran over my foot. I won't remember the time that she didn't speak to me for three days because I didn't eat the entire backed potato that she made. I won't remember getting bruises that took two weeks to heel.  I will fixate on those perfect days.  I will start thinking about how amazing that last July 4th was, I'll start thinking that last birthday of mine being the best of my entire life.  And it's those really good memories that will really throw me off the deep end.

[Faded]

Id hazard a guess at that ':)eep end' you speak of is actually your emotions.

The good thing is its not to hard with a little time and patience to get these emotions in balance and in order. Of course its much easier to just let our emotions flow through ourselves in their exagerated form when we are low, depressed or have stresses that are tough to cope with at times.

Have you done a list of the good and the bad? if your not up for that then just remind yourself when your thinking of the good times and balance that up with something that wasnt good for you in your r/s.

Maybe obsessing over the good times is a way of us unconciously putting them on that pedastal. Learn to knock them right back off that pedastal and image yourself on top of that pedastal looking down and all around you, feel that power that youve taken back for yourself and repeat as required.

I know how tough it can be not to think of the good times.

I dont do hate, it wasnt instilled into me. Although i recieved a huge dose of it and had no idea how to handle that. Not wanting to live with the hatred myself i found it more comfortable to heal in reminding myself of the good times. Backwards thinking on my part and no doubt for me the depression and anxiety playing a huge role in this.

Not hating her wasnt about putting her on that pedastal or remembering the good times. Not hating her meant me forgiving myself so i could begin to love myself again and that is when i truly found my pathway forward.

The way forward for me had nothing to do with her and had everything to do with me.

I still have 1 or 2 things i need to deal with personally from the past r/s within myself, as much as these could be reminders i see them as my issues now, nobody elses. Any memories beyond that for me are just that... .'memories'.

[nona]

I am confused.

I usually feel that way when I go to the STAYING board.

I have been on the leaving board since I got here, basically cause we had already ruptured before I learned about BPD.

I in fact have been so focused here on the leaving board, that it seemed I only had bad memories. It was like I HAD to stay here and talk about the bad things to keep me away, from slipping into my denial about the painful, destructive lonliness of the r/s, and to help me cope with the grief of not being able to go back to him.

It has been a year, and Just this last week, I travelled to our "old town" where we were married and had sweet times with our baby, as a sweet new little family, 10 years ago.

I had forgot those sweet times even existing, it has been such terror lately, especially after a traumatic breakup of our "little family".

So now I am trying to process and integrate the good times.

Did they really happen?

Were they real?

did he ever really share those sweet moments ? Is he losing that too?

or was he faking it?

The heartbreak of thinking I will never again share the warm "knowing" and "joy" as we gaze at our daughter together, and share that sweetness... .shower her with that love.



The truth is... .those special moments became less and less over the years. there was an unnatural pull. an unnnatural tug of war when I would gaze upon the children and bestow my great love on them. iT was UBPDh's inner child /rage. jealousy. that which he would project, and  would ultimately kill precious moments more and more often. Weekends full of depression, control and crap, not grace and ease.

Oh yeah. I am starting to remember the truth again.

Whew!

The good memories are the best part, but they did not last.

They definitely had a wierd quality.

Thanks for bringing this up.

[ViciousCycle]

The good memories are what kept me stuck in the FOG during my relationship for so very long. When I was feeling low and my relationship with my uBPDx was feeling dead, I would revert to thinking about how magical some of our memories were. They have an extremely addictive quality to them, these memories, and I find that its useful to be mindful of them but not indulge in the mirage of it being a fairy tale moment. Acknowledge and honor the memory, but don't forget that good relationships and friendships should continue creating good memories and not just simply cut off at some point like it did for most of us with our uBPDx's.

[GreenMango]

The good memories are what kept me stuck in the FOG during my relationship for so very long.

Well said.

Those good memories seem to totally contradict the bad ones.  Waxing nostalgic on the good stuff alone is a recipe for hurt.  Most people in healthy relationships don't swing from one end of the spectrum to the other in behavior.  There is a stable amount of predictability... .not true with BPD.  It's hard to wrap our head around the reality of it.

Nparade is it possible to see that there were both good and bad, but the reality of a relationship with your ex was it was just too hurtful for you?  I know it's hard.

GM

[nparade]

I do know it was bad. I know it was like dioxin toxic. But yes, it's the addiction of it.  I have a lot of close friends, and during this relationship at one time or another, every darn one of them said that "you really need to get away from this/her".  I know it's the solid gospel fact.  You know, I don't even not mind being away from her.  More than just about anything, it totally torments me that there is a person in this world hates and loathes me as much as if I was some mass murdering dictator.  It kills me too, to think of how close I became/felt to her two daughters, and that it just shut off like a switch.  I could see that the girls had developed in such a way that they would at times, just "disconnect from mom" until whatever passed.  I've see among friends what really terrible parent figures are like, and I know that I aint it.  Again, again it torments me to feel reviled and loathed by two children as well. 

My counselor addressed in a way that makes sense even though it's still rough on me.  See, I am a scientist. And until this point, I would say that there is nothing in this entire universe that I couldn't understand because I by nature take the time and never stop trying. That WORKS in everything else for me.  But the leap of faith he said that I just have to take is that I can't understand this one. That it is impossible for me to.  It's frustrating.

[Faded]

I do know it was bad. I know it was like dioxin toxic. But yes, it's the addiction of it.  I have a lot of close friends, and during this relationship at one time or another, every darn one of them said that "you really need to get away from this/her".  I know it's the solid gospel fact.  You know, I don't even not mind being away from her.  More than just about anything, it totally torments me that there is a person in this world hates and loathes me as much as if I was some mass murdering dictator.  It kills me too, to think of how close I became/felt to her two daughters, and that it just shut off like a switch.  I could see that the girls had developed in such a way that they would at times, just "disconnect from mom" until whatever passed.  I've see among friends what really terrible parent figures are like, and I know that I aint it.  Again, again it torments me to feel reviled and loathed by two children as well. 

My counselor addressed in a way that makes sense even though it's still rough on me.  See, I am a scientist. And until this point, I would say that there is nothing in this entire universe that I couldn't understand because I by nature take the time and never stop trying. That WORKS in everything else for me.  But the leap of faith he said that I just have to take is that I can't understand this one. That it is impossible for me to.  It's frustrating.

Hey Nparade  Hi!

Just by reading this i can feel that your feeling quite rough about all this and very low about yourself.

Thats ok, we have all been through these moments many times ourselves.

I guess it takes many attempts at letting go even when we say we are letting go it has to be physical and mental to be able to detach fully.

Its so hard and i know that my friend but time is the true healer in all of this but time alone will not heal you, you have to be a party to that healing to and getting your thoughts on the right track for yourself.

Have you tried the online CBT? that may help along with your T.

www.moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

How are you finding your T? Do you feel he is helping you at all? Is he helping you to discover who YOU are in all of this?

Im not fully sure on your story but i will read up a little later as ive just been called out to work.

Learn to love yourself again    

[nparade]

I do know it was bad. I know it was like dioxin toxic. But yes, it's the addiction of it.  I have a lot of close friends, and during this relationship at one time or another, every darn one of them said that "you really need to get away from this/her".  I know it's the solid gospel fact.  You know, I don't even not mind being away from her.  More than just about anything, it totally torments me that there is a person in this world hates and loathes me as much as if I was some mass murdering dictator.  It kills me too, to think of how close I became/felt to her two daughters, and that it just shut off like a switch.  I could see that the girls had developed in such a way that they would at times, just "disconnect from mom" until whatever passed.  I've see among friends what really terrible parent figures are like, and I know that I aint it.  Again, again it torments me to feel reviled and loathed by two children as well. 

My counselor addressed in a way that makes sense even though it's still rough on me.  See, I am a scientist. And until this point, I would say that there is nothing in this entire universe that I couldn't understand because I by nature take the time and never stop trying. That WORKS in everything else for me.  But the leap of faith he said that I just have to take is that I can't understand this one. That it is impossible for me to.  It's frustrating.

Hey Nparade  Hi!

Just by reading this i can feel that your feeling quite rough about all this and very low about yourself.

Thats ok, we have all been through these moments many times ourselves.

I guess it takes many attempts at letting go even when we say we are letting go it has to be physical and mental to be able to detach fully.

Its so hard and i know that my friend but time is the true healer in all of this but time alone will not heal you, you have to be a party to that healing to and getting your thoughts on the right track for yourself.

Have you tried the online CBT? that may help along with your T.

www.moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

How are you finding your T? Do you feel he is helping you at all? Is he helping you to discover who YOU are in all of this?

Im not fully sure on your story but i will read up a little later as ive just been called out to work.

Learn to love yourself again    

I haven't seen my T for awhile.  I was doing pretty good, getting better, feeling more energy and more alert.  My exBPD partner sent me a message about a month ago and I felt I handled it quite well and properly, but it just opened it all up just a little bit for me.  The next thing I know, I'm writing back, wishing for some response.  Then the last element was finding out that she and her children will soon move states away.  Being with her was was not the healthy relationship it should have been.  I know I need to let go.  I'm trying hard to follow all the right advice.   I'm going to the counseling center in the morning. I'll probably arrange a visit with my general md as well.  Thanks for the link, I will most definitely take a look at it.

[AsGoodAsItGets]

Ex gf used to physicaly try to attack me during disrygulatio,  handle them so lovely and had her in my arm every time towards the end of these fits, I'm a very loving guy.  After lossing 450k on keeping her out of jail, lawyers, rehab, and a roof over her head was about to lose my job.  The funny part is coming.  She for just a minute was concerned about me, just as I started to talk about my feelings, she changed gears and throw into a rage.  I with drew and left the room and started working on the house, when she kind waited for me to come down stairs she hada knife and one hand and a mixed drink in the other,  I started to laugh.  She actually thought by doing this we would wind up cuddling at the end of the night like we usually do when she rages and I calm her down with love and patients.  I went and looked myself I a room, fell asleep.  Wake up to hear her on the phone begging her more to let her stay over for the night, she was crying and telling her mom it wasn't safe to stay with me.  It get funnier,  she came to the door and tried to open it.  And shouting why is the door locked.  You were walking around with a knife.  She almost didn't remember.  So funny and sad.  I did love her, and truly wished it would have worked out.

[thisworld]

Staying away from abuse causes relationship amnesia sometimes and we tend to remember good memories, erasing the bad. I make a conscious point of countering each good memory with something bad - a cognitive technique.