DH's uBPDxW asked mediation question in email -- how to reply?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi all, happy New Year... .

It's been a while since I've been on here, so here's the quick update (longer one to follow) before the question:

-DH & I took the required pre-mediation parenting class. It was pretty good, not all woo woo "listen to the child" stuff, so that's good to know where the mediator will be coming from.

-After "scheduling issues" and "budgeting for it", Mom & Stepdad finally took the class, too.

-Looks like NO stepparents are allowed at mediation! Yay! This was a huge sticking point for Mom when DH suggested that only he & Mom mediate with our counselor -- Mom wants Stepdad to be overly involved.

-Mediation is scheduled for a date this month, with absolutely NO rescheduling unless Mom wants to pay many hundreds of dollars. Yay!

-Mom just received the letter, and emailed DH today. Some of the email is about scheduling kid stuff, but at the end she asked if DH and his L have drafted a PP. She asked to see it "to expedite the mediation process" 

Question from DH is: how to respond to that? His thoughts so far:

1. Ignore

2. Tell truth -- haven't come up with one (yet, though that's on the docket)

3. Generic positive verbiage -- "let's both bring our best solutions to mediation" etc

His worry is that if he ignores it, it'll look like he isn't "working together" with Mom. Is that how it'd be seen?

One thought on option 2 is that it's giving her more info than she needs. Option 1 is appealing -- ignore what's irrelevant -- but I see where DH is coming from on not wanting to look like he's not cooperating. Option 3 is kind of a punt.

Thoughts? More options? And thank you in advance.

[kells76]

Hi all, happy New Year... .

It's been a while since I've been on here, so here's the quick update (longer one to follow) before the question:

-DH & I took the required pre-mediation parenting class. It was pretty good, not all woo woo "listen to the child" stuff, so that's good to know where the mediator will be coming from.

-After "scheduling issues" and "budgeting for it", Mom & Stepdad finally took the class, too.

-Looks like NO stepparents are allowed at mediation! Yay! This was a huge sticking point for Mom when DH suggested that only he & Mom mediate with our counselor -- Mom wants Stepdad to be overly involved.

-Mediation is scheduled for a date this month, with absolutely NO rescheduling unless Mom wants to pay many hundreds of dollars. Yay!

-Mom just received the letter, and emailed DH today. Some of the email is about scheduling kid stuff, but at the end she asked if DH and his L have drafted a PP. She asked to see it "to expedite the mediation process" 

Question from DH is: how to respond to that? His thoughts so far:

1. Ignore

2. Tell truth -- haven't come up with one (yet, though that's on the docket)

3. Generic positive verbiage -- "let's both bring our best solutions to mediation" etc

His worry is that if he ignores it, it'll look like he isn't "working together" with Mom. Is that how it'd be seen?

One thought on option 2 is that it's giving her more info than she needs. Option 1 is appealing -- ignore what's irrelevant -- but I see where DH is coming from on not wanting to look like he's not cooperating. Option 3 is kind of a punt.

Thoughts? More options? And thank you in advance.

[Catsmother]

Hi kells, great to see you back, was wondering how things were going. Looking forward to the update.

What about option 4? You know, the one where you ask for her ideas first. So you can see "if you are thinking along the same lines". If she is asking for his, then it is only fair that she shares her version, FIRST. Yeah right. Would she really have a version.

Good in one respect that no step parents are involved in mediation, but bad in another. Is DH able to do "shuttle" mediation where they are in separate rooms, and the mediator goes between rooms. That way there is no "confrontation". It could also give him an avenue to contact you (by phone) during. And at least he would have some breaks. Just a thought.

[Panda39]

Hi kells76,

I like your option #3 take it to mediation that's what it's for.  Don't tip your hand.

Panda39

[Thunderstruck]

I think she's fishing.

If she sees the cards then DH will have no hands to play.

For our case, we have had to provide a PP to the CE and we are required to file one before mediation. Our plan is probably to file one that is a bit more aggressive than what we would ultimately settle for. That way we can "give up" some things and hopefully land right about where we wanted to be.

[kells76]

Thank y'all for the feedback! On the one hand, maybe it wasn't that hard of a question. I can tell myself to just BIFF, ignore what's irrelevant, focus on the kids, etc etc. On the other hand, I think I wanted confirmation that the email DH got was THAT wacky. You know the feeling, when you think about someone else reading that email and being like, What's the big deal? So, thanks for the validation.

DH ended up sending her a link to a super detailed fill-in-the-blank PP posted on our state's court website. I think he also mentioned option 3 (discuss at mediation). Personally I would've sent the link with no comment, but I am learning to let go of micromanaging (or trying to!) those emails. Thank you, parenting class. Probably DH made it sound a lot more tactful and helpful than I would've 

And catsmother, thank you for wondering how things are going! I'll try to post an update soon.