BPD mother's mom died

[KathyG13]

My grandmother died a few days ago and I now have to deal with my BPD mother in town.  I've been to lots of therapy about my mother and have come to terms with her disorder and behaviors.  She refused to take care of her mother 8 years ago when it became clear Grandma couldn't live on her own anymore, so I took over.  I moved Grandma up here into assisted living, and then eventually to a nursing home.  I've been her 'person' since 2008.  Grandma died early in the morning on 12/30/15 and I decided to treat my mother the way a human whose mother just passed away should be treated.  I called to tell her and she reacted the same way someone would react if their coworker just told them they had gotten a root canal.

I've made all the arrangements and am hosting my brothers and sister this week, so I told mom to get a hotel.  Thankfully, that's not an issue.  I spoke to mom this morning to get her flight information, and she acted as if she was about to take a vacation, not attend her mother's funeral. 

I know my mother isn't going to act like a normal person.  I'm expecting her to show up and act like the grieving daughter, just for attention.  I'm fine with that because everyone knows the truth.  I'm just wondering if anyone else has been in this position and could advise or give me an idea of what to expect.  My sister and one of my brothers is a lot more bothered by our mother's inappropriate behavior, but at this point, I think I can handle anything. 

Thanks for reading.

Kathy G

[Notwendy]

My mother was detatched at her father's funeral and also my father's- her husband. About 60 years of marriage and she was cold as a snake. Yes, she played the grieving widow afterwards but years have passed and she rarely mentions my father.

However, it is really hard to tell what she is feeling. Surely the death of a parent or spouse is devastating in some way. Yet we know that pw BPD are not able to process emotions well. My mother will either rage, project it, or act as if she doesn't care sometimes, or completely dissasociate. If we think of it in these terms, perhaps this kind of loss is so overwhelming to them ( all kinds of feelings, sadness, guilt, anger, fear) that they just don't process them at all. I personally think my mother can dissasociate to where she blanks out and has no memory of this kind of hurt.

I am sorry for your loss. You were a great grandaughter to care for your grandmother ,and you did the gracious thing to invite your mother. She is going to process this in the only way she can, and it isn't typical because the illness makes it so. However, I would not make any meaning of it, because, she could be sad and hurting, but can't process those emotions.

[Kwamina]

Hi KathyG13,

Welcome to bpdfamily. The circumstances that have brought you here are quite sad though. I am sorry for your loss. I am happy though that in these last years of your grandmother's life you were there for her.

On top of the loss of your grandmother you now also have to deal with your mother's possibly problematic behavior. It's unfortunate that your mother tends to behave the way she does. Keeping in mind that she has a disorder and that her words and actions are a reflection of her own inner turmoil, will hopefully make it easier for you not to take her behavior that personally or get triggered by it. You seem to be quite aware of this and I hope that this will help you deal with the situation.

I wish you peace and strength as you mourn the loss of your grandmother

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome to our online family,  KathyG13 

As families age and spread apart, we tend to see relatives only for funerals and weddings and graduations anymore. I am able to relate to the graduation and wedding aspect in my own experience, yet not with having a BPD attend a funeral. These have been high stress family events that brought out all kinds of emotions, especially in my uBPDm. You may experience something similar for a funeral.

Let me offer my condolences for the loss of your grandmother. In many ways I feel that the loss of a grandparent can be as big if not bigger than the loss of a parent. Having lost both of my parents now (my dad just 4 months ago) and all but one grandparent, I have greatly grieved losing my loving grandparents. Healthy Grandparents are free to love their grandchildren in such a special way, and for me it was much better than what my parents offered as I grew up.

However, it is really hard to tell what she is feeling. Surely the death of a parent or spouse is devastating in some way. Yet we know that pw BPD are not able to process emotions well. My mother will either rage, project it, or act as if she doesn't care sometimes, or completely dissasociate. If we think of it in these terms, perhaps this kind of loss is so overwhelming to them ( all kinds of feelings, sadness, guilt, anger, fear) that they just don't process them at all.

This sums up what I would say in a nutshell, be it at a funeral, wedding, or graduation. The connection I wish to make is that the BPD truly doesn't do well in processing any type of emotion so we may see extremes from drama queen to hermit and hiding away. You may end up being her best buddy or worst enemy, and I've experienced both of those with my mom during a wedding. If you can keep yourself from triggering as Kwamina mentioned, then that will be so helpful to you. Prayers for peace and comfort go out to you! 

Wools