Is the Idealization Phase like a drug?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I just broke up with my exBPDgf early this week and have been NC even though we work together. I just ignore her, but it's extremely difficult, because I still have to see her everyday.

She seems to be spending more time with a female coworker that she began getting close to when we first met. I believe that she is in the Idealization Phase with this women, and it hurts to see her laughing it up and having a good time with each other. This goes on for multiple time a day where they talk in her office for as long as 20 minutes at a time. I've began noticing that her new lady friend will get up minutes after having spent time with her to go talk to her again. It's like she is addicted to or dependent on her and just has to be with her.

I'm just wondering what the chemistry behind this is? I'm asking because I felt and acted the exact same way. As soon as she would leave, I would have an incredible urge to be with her again. Is it possible that being idealized, mirrored and put on a pedestal create some type of a high, and that as soon as it's not present it creates withdrawal symptoms? 

I know it shouldn't matter, but I find it fascinating that she's managed to entrap this well respected lady (I believe it's a platonic relationship even if my exBPDgf has been with women before)

I've also noticed that this woman has been keeping her distance from me, and refuses to look at me when I greet her. I'm worried that my ex has begun to smear me.

I also wonder how long it will be before she sees my ex's true colors, as there are already other people in the office who are not speaking to her (I suspect they've painted black, and probably have had a relationship with her). Could my ex maintain a relationship with this woman, or will the devalue shoe eventually drop?

[Rayban]

I just broke up with my exBPDgf early this week and have been NC even though we work together. I just ignore her, but it's extremely difficult, because I still have to see her everyday.

She seems to be spending more time with a female coworker that she began getting close to when we first met. I believe that she is in the Idealization Phase with this women, and it hurts to see her laughing it up and having a good time with each other. This goes on for multiple time a day where they talk in her office for as long as 20 minutes at a time. I've began noticing that her new lady friend will get up minutes after having spent time with her to go talk to her again. It's like she is addicted to or dependent on her and just has to be with her.

I'm just wondering what the chemistry behind this is? I'm asking because I felt and acted the exact same way. As soon as she would leave, I would have an incredible urge to be with her again. Is it possible that being idealized, mirrored and put on a pedestal create some type of a high, and that as soon as it's not present it creates withdrawal symptoms? 

I know it shouldn't matter, but I find it fascinating that she's managed to entrap this well respected lady (I believe it's a platonic relationship even if my exBPDgf has been with women before)

I've also noticed that this woman has been keeping her distance from me, and refuses to look at me when I greet her. I'm worried that my ex has begun to smear me.

I also wonder how long it will be before she sees my ex's true colors, as there are already other people in the office who are not speaking to her (I suspect they've painted black, and probably have had a relationship with her). Could my ex maintain a relationship with this woman, or will the devalue shoe eventually drop?

[Welgrow]

Hey Rayban,

Welcome... .I'm not far into my journey either. I recently broke NC after 17 days when my ex approached in public. I can say from my experience that I would absolutely liken the BPD idealization stage to a drug. I certainly felt and acted as you did in regards to feeling like I needed to see her again after each time together. I felt something that seemed like a physical withdrawal.

I don't know whether your ex and her woman friend have the same type of relationship that you had with her. I recall my BPDx having a similar interaction with my former female roommate. This started about the time that I experienced some of the first devaluations. I remember feeling so bad that my woman was berating me privately, but when my roommate would receive the adoring attention that I was craving. She would take it from me and give it to other people right in front of me, and it hurt me terribly. It seemed to me that she saved all the devaluation for me.

[UVA2002]

I'd relate it more to a spell than a drug

[blackbirdsong]

I'd relate it more to a spell than a drug

Yes, we prefer this view. Since we can neglect our responsibility in "not recognizing" the red flags from the beginning.  

We need to be aware that idealization is also a red flag!

Only because it feels good, doesn't mean that it is healthy.

Devaluation comes in the package with idealization. You cannot expect one, and than be confused when the other one occurs.

[Aussie0zborn]

Welcome Rayban. You've come to the right place. I hope you can see the cycle, watch it played out in front of you and come to realise what you were drawn into. I think the detachment might be easier if you can see it for what it truly is.

From the many topics here you will see the idealisation phase is often described as causing a drug like addiction. Each story is almost the same. Take some time to read through this forum.

It seems to me your ex girlfriend is trying to hurt you but you need to rise above this. Yes she will laugh, she will appear to be having a great time, etc etc but she is the same person and will do the same things all over again. If you are clear as to the reasons for the breakup, stick to you convictions.

There might be a smear campaign which is not unusual. Your job is to maintain your dignity, say as few words as possible should the subject come up at work and not let her shenanigans distract you. It doesn't matter how long it might take for the devaluation shoe to drop - just be glad you're not a part of it anymore.

At this time you might be going through a whole range of emotions. Feel free to post as often as you like. We've all been there.  What would be the best scenario for you - Reconciliation or detachment?

[Newton]

Hey Rayban   ... .good to have you on board... .

Have you researched "intermittent reinforcement"... .?

[bAlex]

I'd relate it more to a spell than a drug

Yes, we prefer this view. Since we can neglect our responsibility in "not recognizing" the red flags from the beginning.  

We need to be aware that idealization is also a red flag!

Only because it feels good, doesn't mean that it is healthy.

Devaluation comes in the package with idealization. You cannot expect one, and than be confused when the other one occurs.

wow, never thought of this. 100% true

[UVA2002]

I'd relate it more to a spell than a drug

Yes, we prefer this view. Since we can neglect our responsibility in "not recognizing" the red flags from the beginning.  

We need to be aware that idealization is also a red flag!

Only because it feels good, doesn't mean that it is healthy.

Devaluation comes in the package with idealization. You cannot expect one, and than be confused when the other one occurs.

That's a good way to put it . It's when devaluation comes n a package with 20 other hurtful behaviors it makes things heartbreaking and disappointing.  Maybe not confused by it just sad to see someone project it when you expect it and their aware. Yes it comes down to holding our heads up and just staying alert . 2016

[apollotech]

I'm just wondering what the chemistry behind this is?

Rayban,

In short, yes, idealization does change brain chemistry; that is the elusive drug that you're speaking of. Your ex is the catalyst for the dosing when you see/interact with her. Idealization is normal to some degree at the beginning of any relationship as it serves the biological function of creating attraction. However, with a BPDer, it's far too extreme and lasts for far too long to be healthy.

[Rayban]

Thanks for the replies folks.

I just found it interesting to observe it as an outsider. Watching how strong that pull is. My ex use to boast on how good she is at reading people, and I guess when you mirror what the other person wants to see, add in extreme charisma, and its very difficult to resist. I just didn't think it would work on her current target, who seems to have everything together. I guess they adapt the script to whatever their new target needs. 

[MapleBob]

Falling in love can be a drug-like experience. Idealization can also be a drug-like experience. It's very hard to tell the difference with some people, especially if you're drawn toward the idealizing, disordered type. At least that's my take on it.

[Newton]

Imo every event (and person) we experience creates new neural pathways... .our predilection for subsequent released chemicals... .and our choice to intervene with measured thought about created feelings from that process... .shapes our behaviour and presents as how we appear as an individual. 

[Welgrow]

Newton,

I'm reading an article on intermittent reinforcement as it relates to pwPD and Nons on a website called "outofthefog". This is great. Thanks for the tip.

[VitaminC]

Newton,

I'm reading an article on intermittent reinforcement as it relates to pwPD and Nons on a website called "outofthefog". This is great. Thanks for the tip.

Cam you share the link? Thanks !