Homeless

[Knight]

Broke up with BPD girlfriend again yesterday and her mom won't let her back and now she's homeless; no car, no job, etc.  She won't seek help from a woman's shelter or Salvation Army or anything.  She's 500 miles away and wants bus ticket back. 

Background.  Had no contact for 7 months.  My property was vandalized and I called her to see if it was her. (wasn't).  Started talking to her again 2 1/2 months ago and she visited for Thanksgiving.  After a week I sent her back due to extreme rage in front of my kids.  I keep catching her in lies (a lot) and had her back for Christmas.  After a week sent her back due to lying, rage, etc.

How can I let her be homeless?  Am I a bad person?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Anna17]

I am going through the same thing with my husband He is living in an unheated shack 200 miles away. I feel bad for him, but last time he was here his rages were so ugly that the kids told me they didnt feel safe. I respect how they feel. They are not over-reacting; anyone would feel the same way.

There is probably no way for you to feel truly good about your situation, but I can tell you this:  in the past, I feel some of my actions were such that I showed more concern for my h than respect for my children's rights to have a healthy home environment. I truly regret doing that. I do feel I was a bad person then. While I am very sad about the current situation, I am confident that Im doing the right thing.

And you are, too.

[ProKonig]

Sorry for what you're going through, it's a painful moral dilemma.

You mentioned you're unsure of her lies, this may be a stupid question but can you contact her mother to confirm this?  

[Knight]

Anna17, Yes I know I have to protect my children and when I told my children that my BPD girlfriend was here for Christmas, the look on their face and the silence from them was devastating to witness.  It's not right to 'force' my kids to endure her rage and scary mood swings.  Thank you !

ProKonig, I have some verification that her mom won't let her back.  And her mom is letting my BPD girlfriend's abusive ex stay there too.  The mom is playing some weird game where she says bad things about the ex to us, but then she hits him up for money and help fixing the house in exchange for a place to stay.  I don't understand how a mom would do that to her daughter.

[Knight]

Would someone else please take a look and offer an opinion whether I am a bad person for detaching?  She found a friend to stay with for a few days, but she says she has a bus ticket and is coming to be with me later this week. (could be a lie, I never know what's true).  If she shows up on my doorstep with no money, no car, just a suitcase of clothes, then what do I do?  Am I bad for turning my back?  I feel I have to have No Contact but I feel like I am doing something bad.  Anyone?

[ct21218]

No, you are not doing something bad, you are protecting yourself.  She is an adult and needs to take responsibility for her choices.

[Notwendy]

Although this is not about the current dilemma, I think one question to ask yourself is- are you done with this relationship or not? This is entirely up to you, but it is important for you to know where you stand with this, ( even if you don't know yet- that's at least where you are).

For now, you are broken up, and so, I think it is important to consider this question. There can be a lot of on/off, push/pull drama if one is getting back together and breaking up frequently.

As to the current situation, it could be reframed. Although you feel as if you are being a "bad" person by letting her face the consequences of her own action, this could be the kindest thing to do.

How can this be? Because stepping in to rescue someone from their own actions can rob them of what is an important teacher- that actions have consequences. Without this lesson, people may not ever learn to stop doing things that are self destructive.

Whether in this relationship or not, with any relationship, this principle can be the same. Sometimes it is harder with the people we care about most, but that can make us into enablers and that isn't good for them or us.

Sometimes people confuse being a good person with feeling good, but that isn't always the case. In fact, for people who rescue too much, the rescuing to get rid of the bad feeling of saying "no" can be a selfish thing to do, and that is not being a good person. I think often our conscience can guide us, but if we are rescuing someone when it is not in their best interest, that good feeling can be selfish.

This is one of the hardest things that caring people can do- not rescue, because we do feel terrible when we don't. But if we truly care about them, and our boundaries, we need to act on this even if it hard to experience someone we care about in a difficult situation.

[Knight]

Thank you Notwendy and ct221218.  It feels so bad to turn my back on her but that's the only answer.  I had kept talking to her for a few days and it was all the same strange accusations constantly.  I was validating and that had a small impact but when I started doing yard work, she imagined I was with a woman, etc. etc.  I took a night to sleep on it, and on Jan 2nd I told her I wanted no contact at all.  I held to it for 7 months last year, and now I have to stick with NC forever.  But I feel guilty and bad for not being able to help her.  Her love is so fulfilling it's unlike any I have ever experienced.  But also I remember the days leading up to our most recent split, I felt like a hostage in my own house and knew the next angry episode could happen at any time.  It's hard to let go, but after being NC for 7 months and seeing her in a new light this time, I have a lot more understanding.  I seriously told her a 1000 times that I want a day of peace between us, followed by another and another until we have a whole string of peaceful days.  I realize that won't happen now.  I feel so bad for the overall situation.  I think the next step is to focus on myself and how to recover from the relationship.

[Knight]

My mental pain continues.  She left message saying she will arrive this weekend and that I will need to call the cops if I want her to leave.  She says I am all she has.  I can't focus on what I need to be doing; I have a feeling she won't stop bothering me.

[marshallnoise]

My mental pain continues.  She left message saying she will arrive this weekend and that I will need to call the cops if I want her to leave.  She says I am all she has.  I can't focus on what I need to be doing; I have a feeling she won't stop bothering me.

Are you in counseling at all? You seem to have some deep co-dependency issues and I understand them.  I say that because I recognize them.  You also need people in real life that are supporting you and that can help you see "reality."

[Notwendy]

Are you clear with yourself that you are over this relationship? Because if you are, then taking her under your roof may lead to a continuing relationship with her that is hard to break from ( clearly already).  If she shows up then calling the cops will send a clear message that when you said you were through with the relationship, you meant it.

Are you wishing to be in a relationship with her, because if you are, it will make it hard for you to draw the line and call the cops.

I think the first issue is to get clear with this yourself.

If you tell someone to stay away from you and they don't, then the next step is to call the cops.

She may be testing your boundaries (pwBPD do that ) In this case, if you don't call the cops then she knows that she can not respect your statement to her to stay away.

Remember FOG. Fear, Obligation, Guilt. may be driving your feelings.

[Panda39]

No, you are not doing something bad, you are protecting yourself.  She is an adult and needs to take responsibility for her choices.

I agree with this. 

My SO's uBPDxw has in the last 5 1/2 years has been evicted 3 times, couch surfed 3 times with a neighbor, her sister, and friends of a friend, lived in multiple hotels over the last year and currently lives with her attorney   (a whole other story  )  I will tell you what my SO's mother said to him and that was "she's like a cat she always lands on her feet" and all these years later that has proven true.  She too asked to stay with my SO and he had to tell her no.  It wasn't easy for him to do, this was his wife of 20 years and the mother of his 2 daughters but like ct said above she was an adult and she was responsible for her choices.

Also you might want to come up with a plan in case she makes good on her threat to land on your doorstep... .that might be something for the  legal board.

Good Luck I know this isn't easy.

Panda39

[Knight]

I wanted to say Thank You for all your comments and replies.

I appreciate the bpdfamily and it's utterly amazing how so much of my gf's behavior is exactly like y'all's loved ones' behaviors.  I read your posts and it's as if you're talking about my gf.  I have to move to the other area on the site because there is no reason to save my relationship here.  It's a never ending cycle.  I feel like I will always be scarred by abandoning her one more time, but I have to find a way for me to be healthy, and staying with her I will never be comfortable or peaceful.