First Post - An Ending which is coming.

[tryingsome]

This is my first post. And I am in the throes of a 1 month separation.

My wife and I have been married for 4 years, together for 5.

We have two kids, ages 4 and 3. I am certain now I have been quite codepenent.

I have only been in 2 relationships, if we include this one.

I am the type of person who has donated a kidney anonymously, gave blood, and volunteered with the troubled youth.

I use to take pride in these things before meeting my spouse, but I am wondering if it were just some of need to save people.

People talk about that instant connection, idealization stage at the beginning.

I didn't have that. Actually she wasn't really my type. But she was different and I thought we could see where it goes.

She was quick to escalate, and to move in. The sex was always good. After a few months I knew it wasn't working. I was actually going to break up with her.

We had a vacation in a few weeks, and I said we'll see how that goes.

She got pregnant, some misuse of a diaphragm. The funny thing is, her last relationship broke up because he didn't want kids.

In the beginning I was able to shrug off her remarks, the out of control rages, and splitting and so forth.

In the beginning I had a pretty handle on mindfulness.

That all changed when we moved cities. I became increasing isolated. Working from home while she took care of the kids.

Her rages would continue, she would follow me down the street when I went for a walk knowing quite well the kids (1 and 2 at time) could not be left alone.

She had pretty much all the symptoms of BPD, except for cutting. I started becoming codependent and started getting worse and worse. Maybe I always was, but now it was in full bloom.

I actually thought about killing myself during this time, when she would barrage me for hours and leave on the floor like a piece of trash.

She would go out to all manners of the night and have different rules for her and myself.

I am not going to go into all the details and dynamics, but it is pretty prototypical of what has been written here.

At this time I started getting paranoid, started tracking her whereabouts on her phone and looking through her email.

I have never been lied to before, and this was quite common coming form her.

She was aware of her anger, but the rest she is denial and blame.

Things got a little better when I started basketball. Having a little more independence. But then we moved again, back to our hometown.

Everything was okay, except for the last couple of months. She started going out more, doing everything without us.

I was taking care of the children, trying to hold new job, buying a house.

Eventually to turn to paranoia again, and followed her to a friends house. That was pretty much the nail in our relationship. This just occurred the week after Christmas.

She was abandoned by her dad on Christmas Day, if what she says is true.

The past 6 months, she has been talking about being abandoned. This wasn't the case early on.

It is a strange journey how far I have come. I am pretty far away from my independent self.

We are taking a break, while I go to therapy. It is supposed to be one of those 'no seeing other people' breaks. A 10 second slice in our relationship she says.

She is supposed to go likewise, but she can't seem to find a therapist.

I am not sure if I believe it.

I start therapy next week. She thinks it is to resolve my trust issues, but it is really to get out of this codependency.

At this point I feel quite crazy and anxious.

We have been apart for about a week and a half. It's like bare skin being rubbed over a porous sidewalk.

I have started hiking again and will start soccer here soon. This is the easy part.

We have been communicating, mostly about the kids. I got one 'i love you' via text.

But mostly it has been distant conversation. It seems very over, though we have 2 1/2 weeks left.

If there were no kids, I wouldn't be here. I think she knows that now.

Right now I don't know if I can stay healthy in this. I am or was never worried about finding someone else.

I just don't want her kids to end up with abuse she had as a child. It seems like such wasted cycle.

I didn't check for grammar or spelling in this, so please wade your way through. Often times my thoughts are quicker and more precise than my typing.

Thank you for listening.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[tryingsome]

I guess the question is if she wants to continue is it worth it for the kids?

Can I survive enmeshed at this point. I feel like I need a good 6 months to be grounded again.

At that time it would be too late.

[Turkish]

Hello tryingsome,

It sounds like you are worried she is violating the terms of a trial seperation (cheating). What do you mean that by following her to her friend's house that it was the nail in the coffin of your r/s?

Where are you living, and how are you handling custody of the kids right now?

Turkish

[livednlearned]

Hi tryingsome,

It's so difficult when our own mental health is hanging in the balance, and then to have kids -- it's a lot. How are the kids doing at the moment?

The question about what's best for the kids is really tough, and a lot of us have had to work through this. Your own mental health is going to have the biggest impact on how well they do, so it has to be priority #1.

Coming to grips with codependency is critical in these relationships. Same with handling depression, which many members here struggle with -- including feeling crazy and anxious, like you describe.

The metaphor that always struck me was the emotional roller coaster. A BPD spouse is on the emotional roller coaster, and we have to have the strength to stay on the ground, not get on the coaster. And to have the strength to go do our own thing so that we can keep our cup close to full regardless of the challenges in these difficult relationships.

What do you think will happen if you extend the therapeutic separation to six months?

[tryingsome]

Right now she is pleasant with the kids and letting me have my time with them and by myself. No worries there.

We are both having our own therapy sessions which is good, but she has the tendency to only tell the bad parts.

She lives in lies, half truths, and some valid truths.

But neither here or there. I am slowly grounding myself. And that feels better.

As for six months, I am not sure. She was quick to re-friend old exes the day after I left.

I mean most of those are not in the area, but she does need constant validation from men.

So six months it would feel like she already has moved on.

I am close to radical acceptance, but she just has the knack to find the on hole in the armor and twist.

And I would adjust and play in the dance and should would try to find another whole.

I think in the end I can accept the relationship for what it is, without expectations.

I am just not sure I can do it before she moves on. Right now there is zero trust between us two.

Though she does say she loves me, especially with NC. It feels very gamey right now, as I work on myself.

The kids are already affected. The older one especially is overly sensitive right now.


<side notes>. I do wonder how much is biological. The one son who has some of the traits as my spouse is also left handed.

They both have similar eyes. That is more just hypothetical though.

[tryingsome]

As for the cheating during separation question; I am actually not worried about that.

She is going to do what she is going to do, but when I asked if sleeping with others during our period off was a go/no go she got pissed.

I thought it was funny.

As the whole paranoia/snooping thing on my end.

It started a year or two ago when she went out after school with friends.

She didn't come home till the next morning (after I called her) with a 2 and 3 year old.

The part was that she lied she was, so not that is were the paranoia/anxious cycle had its root.

The month I had a gut feeling, due to a guy she works with.

She gets a carpool from him, and one day they stopped at his house.

I tracked on the phone and went over there.

Not my finest moment no doubt.

So lack of trust on both ends.

Me not believing anything she says.

And her not trusting me to be 'controlling'

Honestly, I think I can accept the relationship and her as it is.

The hardest part is the boundaries, keeping a sense of some strong boundaries on my end will be the hardest challenge I think (at least for me)>