Son's wife

[artlove]

Almost from the time my son became involved with "Mary", there were red flags.  He was honest and open enough to share what was going on (she cheated on him, threatened to kill herself if he broke up with her, pressured him to move out of state to be with her, emotional abuse, etc).  Every time we talked, I warned him that things wouldn't get better, and he didn't have to put up with this type of behavior.  He is smart, kind, handsome... .but I couldn't convince him to move on.  They became engaged, but just 2 days before the wedding, he wasn't sure if he could handle her abusive behavior, and I implored him to postpone or cancel the wedding altogether.  He couldn't do either, and went ahead with a lavish wedding. Within a month of marriage she became pregnant.  The baby is just a week old, and along with the usual hormonal moodiness, she is demanding, demeaning, and worries excessively about the baby's health, although he is fine.

I'm quite positive she has BPD.  What I noticed after being with them this past weekend is that my son is "walking on eggshells" and trying to passively deal with her outbursts.  I'm not sure how to express my concerns, but if they both don't get help, their child will grow up in a very dysfunctional home.

How do I get this message across?

[Pilpel]

I am so sorry that you are having to watch your son's life unfold in this way.  I had the same experience with my brother.  It's been a rollercoaster ride for my whole family.  It's good that your son has been open with you about this.  But despite his being able to openly talking to you about this, despite his reservations about marrying her, and despite your telling him from the start that her manipulation and rages are not going to get better, he still married her.  And there is a reason why he did, despite her obvious manipulation.  And now he some pretty big challenges in life to work through.   

Yes.  Your grandchild is probably going to be raised in a dysfunctional home.  Maybe some more experienced leaders on this board can chime in and contradict me with some wiser words.  But it sounds like you're hoping there is some action you can take on your part to show your son and daughter-in-law how dysfunctional their lives are and encourage them to get some kind of help.  I don't see that there is anything you can do --aside from having to contact CPS if you see your grandchild's life in physical danger.  When I read "How do I get this message across" I think by trying to make things in their life better you will most likely cause more trouble with a BPD.  And from what you write, it sounds like you've mostly dealt with your son's turbulent experiences.  You don't say anything about your own turbulent experiences with her.

I would recommend not getting involved with trying to get them help --unless you feel like you can just talk to your son in person and you can suggest some books or a therapist for him.  When it comes down to it, your son is going to have to learn how he's going to deal with the challenges in his home.  And you're login to have to work on how this effects you on your end.  You're going to have to learn how to interact with your DIL, maintain your emotional equilibrium, and learn how to protect your boundaries.  There are a lot of really great articles on this website, and some really good books on BPD to help you out. 

I wish you all the best, artlove. 

[Notwendy]

I can only speak from personal experience here, but I agree with artlove. From my own experience, if you try to discuss the wife's dysfunction, she will see you as a persecutor ( read about the drama triangle ). Your son will likely step in to rescue her, and the conflict will divide you and your son. Pw BPD tend to see people in black and white and take sides. If the wife perceives you as a threat to her, she could paint you black and then want nothing to do with you. Your son would be between a rock and a hard place, but he has a child, and he chose her, and even if it makes him sad, he would align with his family.

I think your best chance of helping the child, is to accept the wife, say nothing, and be present as a loving grandmother. If there is a family crisis with her, there would be the chance for you to help with the child. This would be better than having a bad relationship with the wife.

This is heartbreaking, but it is your son's choice and his choice to deal with it.

When my elderly father became ill, I was concerned about him being in the "care" of BPD mom. Like your son, my father could speak to me about the situation, but if I said anything negative about my mother he would get angry at me. My mother painted me black and interfered with my relationship with my father. If I called on the phone, she would listen in. As painful as it must be to think that your own son would do this- allow his wife to interfere with the relationship, consider that my father felt he had no choice but to do this with me.

Later, a family member on his side told me his mother was concerned about my mother when my father married her. His entire family dislikes my mother. Unfortunately, my father rarely saw them as I think it was uncomfortable  with my mother. However, over the years I have been very close to my father's side of the family. My own family was dysfunctional, but my father's family loves me and were good role models.

I am so sorry this is happening and know it breaks your heart. Your son does need you, as a support person, but as someone who will not be critical of his wife.

[Notwendy]

With teens, and even older adult children, there is the classic "Romeo and Juliet" response to a a parent's dislike of a boyfriend/girlfriend. I have seen this happen myself with friends and there are books on this too. If a parent dislikes their child's partner, it drives the two of them closer together. This can also be seen in triangulation, where if two people bond together against a common perceived "enemy", it makes their bond feel closer. Be careful not to step into this triangle.

Also- a tough question- is that these behaviors tend to be intergenerational. If you feel a need to "rescue" your son, then you can begin to understand how he may have these behaviors- to rescue/caretake his wife. This is not to blame anyone. Families can continue this pattern because it is how they learned to behave in their families. I did this myself and now have worked hard on having different relationship patterns than in my own FOO.

One thing I found when studying this is the importance of self care, in all types of relationships. As a mother myself, I understand that I would want to do anything for my kids. But in the case of their relationships, it is hard to know exactly what to do. One piece of advice for parents is to deal with their feelings, and self care- build your interests. If the parents need counseling or help with co-dependency, then taking steps to deal with that- counseling for themselves can role model this for a child. A parent role modeling self care and taking care of their own issues can have an impact on their child, who may see that it is OK to seek help too.

Ironically, taking care of ourselves may be the best hope we have for our relationship with others, including our children because we will relate to them in an emotionally healthy way. Also the grandchild- you may be needed as a support to that child and can so role model something different than what is experienced with the mother.

[Panda39]

Hi artlove,

I want to join Pilpel & Notwendy and Welcome you to the BPD Family 

I'm a member here because my SO (significant other) has an uBPDxw (undiagnosed BPD ex-wife) so I come at this from a different angle but one of the first things I did when I found out about BPD was to hit my local library.  I needed to educate myself about what I was dealing with.  I read every book my library system had on BPD.  Reading the books helped me understand BPD and helped me see patterns in my SO's ex's behaviors.  Reading combined with the practical tools provided on this site have been really helpful.

I want to point out the "Lessons" section in the box to the right --> Every topic is a link to more information that you might want to check out when you have more time.

You can't change your son's marriage but you can try to better understand it so you can be the support he needs (if/when he asks for help) and hopefully we can help you better negotiate your DIL too.

We are glad you've found us you are not alone. 

Panda39