Alone

[Imcodependent]

My husband of 29 years left seven days ago today. he was in his other state of mind since he woke up that morning. It was weird and scary.

But this is a nrmal ritual for us, in the past 5 years he has left 5 timrs. my daughter and I agree that he wasn't stable at the time and it didn't make any sense. he hasn't called for the past 7 days and I'm going crazy. I'm in a daze I don't know if I should call him look for him or just let it be. I think of when he would be nice to me but then I reminded of how mean he was getting. his last word he said to me was I was a coward he said he had to do this he had to leave I didn't understand so I didn't respond he walked out with his things and that was it. I feel anxiety, abandoned, sad.

He hasn't contacted our sons, daughter... .no one

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[valet]

Hi, Imcodependent, I'm really sorry for what you're going through. That sounds like a nightmare... . 

It's ok to feel anxious and sad. And of course you feel as if you're being abandoned. The current situation dictates those emotions (your husband leaves and... .nothing).

Can you tell us more about the relationship?

[Imcodependent]

Before my husband started a new journey with sobriety 11/2011; he was a heavy alcohol and drug user. Of course with my dysfunctions I was the enabler during that time (I still have this trait  :'(). He finally became sober after he was told, "you need to stop what you're doing or you are not going to live very much longer". That was an eye opener for him. I have attended Al-anon and understood that there was a possibility it would be tough living with sobriety. NO KIDDING. My gosh! tough is nothing, I think with my co-dependency I have been through more than I should have, but I could never leave (he is my addiction).

I noticed he started acting out in different ways, being more possessive and controlling. He would be loving, kind, tell me he can't live without me, etc... .but than his behavior would change to a totally different person. He would be angry, verbally abusive, accuse me of having affairs with just anyone we interacted with or met, even his own brothers. He was sure that people were looking in our house through the windows and fences. He tried to block out everything he could without making it noticeable. I felt like I was in prison... .we couldn't go anywhere because he became anti-social. Funny thing is, he would treat others very different, but with me he would be this way. My daughter of 19 started noticing a change in him as well. During those times we would argue, it would escalate to where she would have to defend me. He would say we were against him and we didn't want him in our house anymore; which we just purchased 9 months ago.

We noticed since 2009 he would leave like every 2 years (a pattern started) But this time seems different, because he is not the same person anymore. He would sit on a chair and look sad, isolated, very unhappy, sometimes he would have tears in his eyes. I would try to motivate him, it didn't work. He quit doing things around the house, but wouldn't make an effort only when he was in his good place. I told him to seek help, that something is wrong, he said he felt or knows he's crazy. He started on some psychotic meds to help him sleep, I think he got worse. I'm not sure if he "crossed the line" with his drug use. Or is it BPD... .All I know is, this is the worst traumatic experience for me... .I think I lost him for good. Maybe it's for the best.  :'(

[ladylee]

My therapist told me to write a similar letter that explains the reason why I left and puts the onus on me for my behavior. So i will owm hurting my husband, just so we are both clear I did hurt him by lraving , there was a lot of miscommunication and silence during the marriage and breakup. But i am not going to spologize for leaving, but I am alone and it sucks because I miss him. I am going to acknowledge that I had to leave to take care of myself and get into the reasons why I needed to leave that as withdrawal within the space we lived in together was not possible and why.  I did not want to have to draw such a severe boundary line, but had to because i was not being respected and my health comes first. I cannot be good for anyone if I am not well myself. I am going to say that I hope he finds happiness and love, that he deserves it and so do I. I am also going to say that I deserve courtesy and respect and that if our marriage could have functioned with those aspects of love, I could have stayed and worked on the marriage. I am in therapy learning skills.