How can I help without losing myself?

[Lovebpdwife]

How can I help my BPD wife without losing myself?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Sluggo]

LoveBPDwife,

Great question and hard to do.  I guess the question comes to what is 'helping'.   

I felt I was helping my wife by avoiding things that would trigger her:  slowing eliminating my outside friendships, folding the clothes 'the right way, eliminating the contact with my family, answering many phone calls and texts from her each day at work, in essence doing what she told me to do so that she feel that she was my number 1 all the time'.  Doing this over the period of 17 years of marriage, I have found that I have lost who I am: depressed, unable to make decisions myself without her approval, and becoming just another child in the house.    My friends who I slowly eliminated from my life (who I just saw a couple recently) said I am much different. And they are right I feel much different. 

So what do you mean helping?

There will be great advice on this board.  Welcome aboard. 

[waverider]

Welcome loveBPDwife

This may seem like an odd response but first we have to find ourself, not only do we loose ourselves, but we have to expose ourselves to us, and know US better than we ever did.

You need to put you through bootcamp, before you even start campaigning.

Most of us have been shocked at what we have discovered about ourselves and why we were drawn to a pwBPD in the first place. What you learn about you will make you a better person regardless of what happens

Waverider