Just found out my partner has BPD

[starfish03]

Hi - While the fear and doubts had been in my mind for months, finally last Tuesday I discovered my boyfriend of 2 years has been living a double life (maybe triple... .who knows) and I confronted him when I saw him with his other girlfriend. Even in the breakup he was manipulative trying to convince me of bizarre things and still lying. In a moment of breakdown/(weakness?) he shouted out that he had BPD. I had no idea what it was, but later when I searched and read the characteristics the chaos of his life makes so much sense - the gaslighting I've endured - the anger and rage tantrums - the victim mentality - the depression - the verbal exhibitionism - the control/dominating aspects - his suicidal ideations - the lies lies lies.

Fortunately, his other ex girlfriend and I have been able to meet and discuss to dash any illusion that his heart was in the right place -- and to get some clarity on the depths of deception.

Yet, still I want to call and make everything better and believe his outreach saying he wants to spend the rest of his life making it up to me and that he'll never make these mistakes again. My desire to reconnect and fix are probably codependent tendencies I need to look into.

I feel paranoid and like I don't even know what's real right now. I feel violated and manipulated. I am more sad than angry and I want to lean into the grieving process.

I do want to hear him out as he said he wants to tell me the truth. Of course, I'm under counsel of my therapist who says not to have any contact, and I'm so afraid that I will cave and call him in a moment of weakness. I think the longer that I can have no contact, the stronger I will be to spot the manipulation and keep myself safe.

I don't really know where to go from here, but hope that this community may be able to provide guidance. I know that there is a lot of self work for me to do to make sure I never invite this type of behavior back into my life.

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[Skip]

I do want to hear him out as he said he wants to tell me the truth. Of course, I'm under counsel of my therapist who says not to have any contact, and I'm so afraid that I will cave and call him in a moment of weakness. I think the longer that I can have no contact, the stronger I will be to spot the manipulation and keep myself safe.

I don't really know where to go from here, but hope that this community may be able to provide guidance. I know that there is a lot of self work for me to do to make sure I never invite this type of behavior back into my life.

We don't want to counter your therapist.    But lets talk about it - why is he saying to remain no contact?

This is a difficult situation, no doubt. The whole double life thing is a huge deception. I'm sure you want to know what the hell was going on with him.

Can you tell us a bit more?

[an0ught]

Welcome starfish03,

you are right to be careful.

Yet, still I want to call and make everything better and believe his outreach saying he wants to spend the rest of his life making it up to me and that he'll never make these mistakes again. My desire to reconnect and fix are probably codependent tendencies I need to look into.

I feel paranoid and like I don't even know what's real right now. I feel violated and manipulated. I am more sad than angry and I want to lean into the grieving process.

I do want to hear him out as he said he wants to tell me the truth. Of course, I'm under counsel of my therapist who says not to have any contact, and I'm so afraid that I will cave and call him in a moment of weakness. I think the longer that I can have no contact, the stronger I will be to spot the manipulation and keep myself safe.

You should be clear about one thing: He struggles to keep words and actions aligned. You can listen to his word and signal that you heard them. But be clear in your mind and in your deeds that actions are what counts. For a deeper understanding of this you may want to check out the workshop section on "boundaries".

When listening to him it is important not to take a judgmental position. Active listening and feeding back your understanding is important.

Relationships with a pwBPD critically depend on mutual respect. Maintaining (or in your cases also rebuilding) that is key to the long term success. It can take a while to get there and some disappointments are unavoidable. But then not all is acceptable and some may be even a show-stopper. Navigating this would be ahead of you if you go forward. A T and this board can be helpful then.

,

a0

[livednlearned]

Hi starfish03,

Oof, that is so painful what you've been through. I'm glad you have a therapist to help you through this. And us 

It sounds like your ex began to devalue you at some point in your relationship, and sought out someone else he could idealize.

One of the things we don't often hear about codependence is that it can be a real turn-off for pwBPD. We trade in our boundaries as a sign that we love our troubled BPD partner. "Look how much I love you, I'm willing to give away a piece of myself."

It feels like the right thing to do and yet it's not very attractive to an intimate partner.

There are other ways to be in touch that are less threatening when we're in emotional recovery. Would your ex write you a letter? That would give you something your T could help translate.

[starfish03]

Thank you all for the welcome and feedback so far.  

I caved and called him last night. He says he has been writing me a letter every day. I could ask if he is willing to share those with me per the suggestion to show them to my therapist. I also have a few initial emails he sent me before I had set a "no contact" boundary. Obviously, I ended the "no contact" boundary last night by calling him.

I brought up BPDWhen I asked if he had BPD he said no. Even on the phone I was unable to say "Then why did you tell me that the other night?"

I appreciate the note about codependency - I finally cracked open, "Codependent No More" and would like to make my way through it and maybe start attending CODA or ACOA 12 step meetings to address my own unhealthy relationship patterns.

I also truly appreciate the reminder about words vs actions. I am learning here that I need to focus on his actions. Even if he makes all the promises in the world and starts on a path of healing, it will become EVIDENT when he is in a mental, emotional, spiritual place that aligns with me. His actions to date mean that we are not a good fit right now.

A little bit more info about my relationship:

• He was with his other ex for 5 years, I came along 2 years ago. Also, just discovered he isn't officially divorced yet - and to be honest, both me and his other ex thinks it is likely he is still married.
  
  My therapist thinks no contact is best because 1) I need time and space to get clarity on the situation and process my emotions, and 2 ) it seems that he killed my pet. I think that signals to her other issues or more serious concerns going on. He says it was an accident/self-defense, but my gut tells me there is more to the story that he is either afraid to tell me or unable to.
  
  He presented as a wounded man who has never known love. We were both in dark places and were helping each other climb out of the muck. I got out of the muck and cleaned up my act big time. Sometimes he made progress (tried meds, set boundaries at work) and then he would backslide. And, who knows if those efforts were true.
  
  He has increasingly shown me his anger/rage. It got to the point that I am emotionally and physically exhausted from his diatribes on whatever is annoying him that day - the anger started to be turned toward me as in he would demand that I answer for whomever was upsetting him. I finally got to a point of setting strong boundaries there - that I would walk away if he turned his anger toward me - and his response was to scold me that I was emotionally unsupportive. That is a straight up lie and one that he tried on his other ex as well.
  
  The gaslighting is probably unforgivable. He would constantly try to manipulate what I said or did to a bizarre version and I would eventually cave and say that maybe he was right and I'd think about it from his perspective.
  
  

Why would I stay so long you may be wondering? As I got stronger and started making requests and setting boundaries he did step up. He would be more communicative and exhibit some effort toward my requests. I just thought he had never had a healthy relationship and so I cut him way too much slack in the hopes that we were learning and growing together. I thought this was my first healthy relationship ever.

On the phone last night he asked to meet up next week and come clean/apologize for things - I think perhaps it is too soon for me. I need more time to develop my inner strength and be away from the chaos of his life so that I will be more quickly able to see it and avoid it.

I'll look at the boundaries sheet. Any other tips on what to read or ask myself before being in contact with him again?

I think I want to email him saying that we should get together in the New Year. Give myself a month of no contact to heal and grieve. Or, I was thinking of saying maybe when his divorce is finalized he could reach out and I could let him know if I am open to communication at that point.

[livednlearned]

I think I want to email him saying that we should get together in the New Year. Give myself a month of no contact to heal and grieve. Or, I was thinking of saying maybe when his divorce is finalized he could reach out and I could let him know if I am open to communication at that point.

Do you need to set a time or condition? "I'd like to read the letters. Right now, I need some time and space."

Otherwise you might set yourself up to forego your own timeline. Or feel guilty if you decide you don't want/need to see him again.

Using this time to shore up some strength, grieve, and process what has happened is about you taking care of you.    And you deserve that.

I'm also so sorry to hear about your pet  :'( 

[Skip]

Your therapist's advice is sound - sounds like a good one.  You sound like you do need some space to process.     Certainly the three serial relationships and a dead pet are a significant  .

You sound like you are experiencing some abandonment anxiety. He is clearly going through abandonment anxiety and probably shame, guilt, etc. and is likely wired tight right now. It might help to both of you to give him some relief so that he is not pulling on you in desperation.

One option could be to agree to meet at a specific place and time, say 6-10 weeks from now (public place, afternoon). Tell him you are not jumping into another relationship (so that he isn't freaking out about that). Offer to accept one email if he wants to send one, but that you only want one. You could also agree to do light "non relationship texting" once a day or less.

My suggestion is general and it is not to get you together (especially if you don't want this) - it is more to buy constructive space (rather than anxious space).

Does something like this seem reasonable and consistent with your therapists direction? Can you tell us more about the loss of your pet?

[starfish03]

Nailed it about the abandonment anxiety. After you said that I was able to see that I have a fear of losing him... .even though he is already lost/not the person I thought.

I feel some relief thinking about the examples shared about how to communicate my need for time and space. I do want to run it by my therapist, but don't want to delay communicating it to him since right now he is under the impression we are meeting early next week. I don't want to antagonize him by flip flopping. I want to be clear, calm, and confident. I do want to give myself options here.

He texted me last night. An image of his car packed with all of his belongings and said how he wanted to show me when we were talking about moving in together he collected all of his belongings and they fit in his car. He ended with "How sad is that?" Which if I asked, he would likely say his point is that he doesn't own many items, but the emotional impact is how sad is it that here he is ready to move in and now we are broken up and how heartbreaking is that? I didn't respond.

My cat is a bit complicated as he was very sick with diabetes and had a history of attacking my mom. I moved the cat up to me this summer since she could no longer handle his care and the uncertainty of his behavior. This is painful for me to recall, but I will in hopes there is something healing in the exercise. The cat attacked my bf's hand while he slept on the couch. I wasn't home. This is consistent with how the attacks with my mom went except with my mom the attacks always occurred at night. He left for a supposed work trip right after this, and within hours was hospitalized as the bite area became infected. It is painful to think about, because now I know his other ex girlfriend was with him in the hospital just down the street and he told me he was out of state with his boss. I was in distress, asking if I could come be by his side, and like other times when he was hospitalized, he would rebuff me and tell me not to come - (major rejection issues for myself here).

The second attack was also while he fell asleep on the couch about a week later. I was out of the house once again. This time the cat wound up ripping out its back claws (by trying to run away from him?) and needing surgery. The boyfriend was in panic when I came home - pacing and hitting his head and dry heaving a bit and had closed the curtain on the cat soaking wet and bleeding in the bathtub. He did not tell me how bad the situation was on the phone when I called. He didn't even come in the vet's office with me but stayed outside pacing and smoking (vaporizer) while I sat a wreck inside waiting to hear from the emergency vet. We had to leave the vet to go get his car at a dealearship an hour away and I said I wasn't going to let him drive alone in that type of emotional state and with all the new cuts on his hand/arm. I made it clear I was prioritizing his well being and wanted my focus to be on him.

After that, I had an intensive week of caring for the cat's wounds. It was 5 hours a day of medicine and foot soaks. He only stayed the first night because I was emotionally so distressed. He was gone the rest of the time and clearly expressed even after the first attack that he was worried about his anger. He said he no longer saw my cat as an animal, but as a thing, and that it is dangerous if he views it as such because he would not be able to control his anger. He wanted to stay away awhile for his anger to lessen. He kept reminding me of his history in the armed forces and that he has killed many people and thus has the capacity to kill and make things objects. He said the only reason he didn't hurt the cat this second attack is because of all the money I had spent on the cat's well being.

I was at church when the third attack happened. At this point the cat was terrified of him - staying across the apartment and very distressed when he was around. I did my best to give the cat a safe space. When I left that morning the cat was in the bedroom closet in his bed and the boyfriend was in the living room watching TV. I asked if he wanted me to lock the cat in there with his food and litter box so that he wouldn't have to see him at all and he said no. So, I didn't. When I got out of church and called per his intense text messages, he was sobbing and saying he didn't do anything to provoke the cat why did he attack him again - it was clear the cat was already dead. I stayed calm and kept him on the phone trying to get him to breathe. I asked him to place a towel over the cat's body before I arrived home which he did. He said he was sitting on the couch and the cat came and joined him up there so he let him stay. Then he said out of no where the cat latched on to his arm. In self defense he pulled the cat off and dropped him on the floor and went to clean up his torn up arm. After awhile of cleaning up (I think he may have showered during this time) when he looked out, the cat hadn't moved and thus he says he must have died instantly - I guess from the strength/pressure of him grabbing around the neck to pull him off. I don't know if that's true. But, the cat's fur was wet. In both the previous attacks, my BF had bathed the cat - he says in an effort to see if the cat had my BF's blood on him or his own blood and to determine if the cat was injured. I asked him if he had bathed the cat again, and my BF turned into the darkest looking human I've ever seen with beady eyes and cold stare and dead voice and turned on me saying I always put the cat before him, I didn't believe him, he would leave and never see me again, and I should take care of my cat. It was shocking. I tried to appease him and not ask any more questions, but now I wonder if he drowned my cat or something similarly traumatic. He accompanied me to the vet and was feeding me my lines, repeatedly saying as I sobbed, "We never could have known this was a possibility. We never thought he would attack me again. We had no idea that this could happen." Which was clearly not true as we had talked multiple times about his fear about how he would respond if he were attacked again. He joined me in the vet's office this time - running in the room anytime an employee came in and going out when they left to smoke. I think he wanted to control the story we told the vet. THey didn't ask any questions though. I took him to urgent care after that and we ate out and then went to my apartment where he cleaned up the cats' things for me so that I wouldn't have to. He was kind that first night, offering support and saying I did everything I could.

After that he changed his tune and would become very upset if I was grieving the cat. He would ask why I was crying and look at me like a strange object if I said it was the cat. He would say the cat was bad and that I always put the cat's needs ahead of his. It became very painful for me because I know that isn't true. The cat is dead because I was determined to find a way to have them both in my life and wanted to prioritize my bf. He wasn't comforting at all after that first night.

I know that is a long story - I have barely had time to grieve or process that whole situation. I don't know if there is anything of value in there that can help me.

Heavy sigh.

[Skip]

The kitty story has to be hard to tell. I can see why your therapist is concerned.

I feel some relief thinking about the examples shared about how to communicate my need for time and space. I do want to run it by my therapist, but don't want to delay communicating it to him since right now he is under the impression we are meeting early next week. I don't want to antagonize him by flip flopping. I want to be clear, calm, and confident. I do want to give myself options here.

He texted me last night. An image of his car packed with all of his belongings and said how he wanted to show me when we were talking about moving in together he collected all of his belongings and they fit in his car. He ended with "How sad is that?" Which if I asked, he would likely say his point is that he doesn't own many items, but the emotional impact is how sad is it that here he is ready to move in and now we are broken up and how heartbreaking is that? I didn't respond.

I think you are being wise. What is your plan?

[starfish03]

Beyond crying a lot at inconvenient places and times?

I'm crafting an email giving myself ~8 weeks before meeting up to talk. That feels so painful - immense loneliness pops up and the idea of not being with him before then, not being with him on new year's eve sends me to tears, but I think I need the time - I know I am just in withdrawal.

What other plans should I be making here? It was pointed out by a friend that I need to be focused on me and right now everything is about him.

[Skip]

Its natural to be focused on him. We tend to be outward focused first and after we resolve that, inward focused. I think a lot of people will say focus on yourself with sincere and helpful, but it can feel invalidating. Your whole world blew up right before the holidays. My thoughts would be:

1. By the space, and then let yourself feel what you feel. Let the emotions pour out. With the space you bought, you can do this with challenge. You should hurt right now - that's how we are made - this is a big confusing blow.

2. Book alternate holiday plans that are comfortable and safe... .maybe that's New Years in with a some girlfriends and fun movies.

3. Talk it out with people you trust. You have lots of pieces to wrap you mind around that are really complex. And while an outsider might look in at the cat story and or other parts of this and make some fast and bad conclusions, you have a lot more riding on this analysis and you don't want to jettison someone you love cavalierly. You are going to want to turn over every stone.

I might start by making an inventory.  What do you like.  What has you concerned. Rank it, assigns values. Label anything that you think is a deal breaker.

[sindoren]

There is a reason why you're bringing your cat up.  Deep down, you know something happened because your boyfriend's story isnt adding up.

You said it yourself: your cat was staying away from your boyfriend and appeared distressed when in his presence.  Animals dont lie, and will behave according to their natural instincts.  Your boyfriend might have not wanted you to be alone with the vet staff because he knows they are experienced in seeing signs of abuse in animals, and was afraid they would tell you your cat did not die of natural causes. You can visit your vet again and ask without your boyfriend being around, but I think you know the answer.

Your therapist is concerned for good reason.

Also, if he was in the armed forces, he would certainly have been capable of handling a cat without killing it.  Soldiers are trained to kill, but they are also experts in assessing danger and reacting accordingly.  He said that to put fear in you, that since he killed people before for you to know that he has that capability of killing your cat if you left him alone with it.  Soldiers know the difference between living beings and objects... .my dear, he cant justify that either.

Like your therapist said, time and space away would give you the chance to process your feelings.  Follow your gut, what is it telling you?  Forget your boyfriend and his problems.  How do YOU feel?

If you feel less trusting or doubtful, it may be time to get out.