Looking for your opinion on a responce.

[Cipher13]

I have had wonderful opinions for everyone on here for a while so I wanted to pose a couple of questions out there.

1. When my wife is unhappy (which is often) and it is focused on me (which is typical and often), when it get really bad she claims she is done with the relationship and wants it to be over. I also want this. But I have always given in and tried to get things back to somewhat good graces. How can I respond and also agree? Sounds simple but I end up not wanting to be the one to make it officially happen. I don't know if its guilt or what ever.

2. She calls me a jerk or and ass or worse a F-er. Obviously leaving the room is best but I mental block that out and become quiet and doesn't say anything back. She wants a response. How do I reply?

3. She is constantly asking me to "help" with her decision on what to do about her job situation. "Help" means make the choice for her. How can I address this in any other way than trying to explain to her that it is really her choice ultimately?

[flourdust]

I have had wonderful opinions for everyone on here for a while so I wanted to pose a couple of questions out there.

1. When my wife is unhappy (which is often) and it is focused on me (which is typical and often), when it get really bad she claims she is done with the relationship and wants it to be over. I also want this. But I have always given in and tried to get things back to somewhat good graces. How can I respond and also agree? Sounds simple but I end up not wanting to be the one to make it officially happen. I don't know if its guilt or what ever.

Obviously, you agree with her by saying you agree, let's get divorced.

However, don't expect that to make a difference. She'll probably get even more furious or burst into tears or some other reaction if you engage, and she'll use it for ammunition for further reasons to blame you in future arguments (or just run-of-the-mill passive-aggressive sniping), but just because you've thrown it back in her face doesn't mean she'll suddenly get all rational and go see a lawyer to draw up papers. If she hasn't left by now, you're probably going to have to be the one to make it happen.

2. She calls me a jerk or and ass or worse a F-er. Obviously leaving the room is best but I mental block that out and become quiet and doesn't say anything back. She wants a response. How do I reply?

What kind of response? Do you want to insult her back? Agree that you're a jerk? Have a PowerPoint presentation to document that you are not a jerk? What difference does any of it make? You can choose a response to either escalate the conflict or de-escalate (leaving is best, though passivity seems to be working for you).

3. She is constantly asking me to "help" with her decision on what to do about her job situation. "Help" means make the choice for her. How can I address this in any other way than trying to explain to her that it is really her choice ultimately?

You can't. You could try to validate her feelings of uncertainty and all that, but from your narrative, it sounds like you're well past that.

[Grey Kitty]

Wrong questions, cipher.

You are looking for magic words you can say to her to get what you want.

You aren't even sure what that is... .but I suspect you alternate between these two:

1. Wanting her to go back to being the loving wife you wish she was, curing her mental illness and not being abusive.

2. Wanting her to leave so you don't have to dump her to get free of your abusive marriage.

There are no magic words.

Choose your own path. Here are your choices:

A. Work on improving your marriage starting with no longer accepting abuse.

B. End your marriage.

C. Stick around for more days, weeks, or decades of abuse.

[Wrongturn1]

1. When my wife is unhappy (which is often) and it is focused on me (which is typical and often), when it get really bad she claims she is done with the relationship and wants it to be over. I also want this. But I have always given in and tried to get things back to somewhat good graces. How can I respond and also agree? Sounds simple but I end up not wanting to be the one to make it officially happen. I don't know if its guilt or what ever.

Well if you're not going to file for divorce, there's no reason to verbally agree with her about wanting the relationship to be over.  You need to have internal consistency here.  Either choose to stay in the marriage or get out. 

If you choose to stay in the marriage, one answer would be "I'm hearing you say that you want our marriage to end, but that's not what I want, so this is not a topic that I'm willing to discuss further.  If you have decided to leave the marriage, then you need to go to a lawyer and serve me with divorce papers."  Then you walk away and let her think about that.

2. She calls me a jerk or and ass or worse a F-er. Obviously leaving the room is best but I mental block that out and become quiet and doesn't say anything back. She wants a response. How do I reply?

Sounds like you're accepting abuse here.  Wouldn't it feel better not to be abused?  You have a choice.  You can easily say/do:  "I won't be spoken to this way.  I'm going to take a walk [go to the store, library, Starbucks, wherever], and I will be back in an hour."  Then follow through and leave.  Try it - you'll like it.

3. She is constantly asking me to "help" with her decision on what to do about her job situation. "Help" means make the choice for her. How can I address this in any other way than trying to explain to her that it is really her choice ultimately?

This is a tough one - maybe validate her indecision and leave the ball in her court:  "I'm can tell you're having a hard time deciding.  That's really difficult to be in a situation where you don't know which way to proceed.  I would feel agitated and frustrated in the same circumstance.  What is your gut telling you?"

[Aussie0zborn]

Excellent advice in all posts above. I would be following WrongTurn's suggestions to the letter (except the bit about Starbucks, but I will get onto that later). Everything your wife has put to you is abusive and this advice deals with it very well so as to not escalate her volatility. Not engaging is not the sole key to success - dealing with it in a way that she can't fire back at you is a real  success.

I find the part where she suggests divorce is particularly abusive.  In a normal relationship this would be cause for great concern and the spouse would act but in these relationships our failure to act is their "proof" that we are weak, inept and unworthy and this goes on to kill your morale and your strength of character.  This is what I find it particularly abusive and the longer you allow it to go on, the longer and stronger the abuse becomes. They know what they're doing - now you're too weak to leave them and so their fear of abandonment is allayed.

Now... .as for Starbucks, I would just say "cafe" instead, as saying Starbucks shows that you will settle for mediocrity because you believe yourself to be unworthy, which is what they want us to believe.  Australia is the only country where Starbucks failed - they had 160 stores, closed more than half and sold the rest off to local interests. We worked out very early in the piece that they DONT know anything about coffee and we were glad to see them go. And we are very proud of ourselves. Don't settle for mediocrity in any shape or form.

[KateCat]

Now... .as for Starbucks, I would just say "cafe" instead, as saying Starbucks shows that you will settle for mediocrity because you believe yourself to be unworthy, which is what they want us to believe.  Australia is the only country where Starbucks failed - they had 160 stores, closed more than half and sold the rest off to local interests. We worked out very early in the piece that they DONT know anything about coffee and we were glad to see them go. And we are very proud of ourselves. Don't settle for mediocrity in any shape or form.

From the home town of Starbucks' Inc., I salute you. 

Cipher13, I'm sorry this situation is so paralyzing for you. Is there any chance you can choose one of the suggestions you've had recently--just one--and report back here on how it went? Very specifically? I really think these guys can help you if you can take the leap.

[Aussie0zborn]

Thanks for the salute, KateCat. :-)

[Waddams]

Cipher - I've been seeing your posts for a very long time.  Nothing has changed in all that time. 

Honestly, I don't see where you have your own identify rooted in your own value and boundary system.  Before you can set boundaries, take action, etc., well, all of us have to do the internal work and introspection to dig deep and find our own center, our own values.  I'd encourage you to figure out who you are, what your values are, and then start establishing what boundaries you will put in place for yourself that will change your path in life and help you live your life in accordance with your values. 

You can't set boundaries for her, you can't make her see or understand anything differently.  All you can do is figure you out, and start living true to yourself.  She (and others) WILL not take kindly to the change, they WILL try to knock you off course.  You have to figure out what you will and won't tolerate and set boundaries and consequences and follow through on action as means of protecting yourself, not of changing anyone else.

Your situation and how unhappy you are, it's not about your wife.  It's not her fault you're unhappy with your life right now.  At this point, none of this is about her.  The big change has to happen with you first, not your wife.

Get comfortable with you, your own values, who you are authentically.  Figure out who you genuinely are deep down.  Dig down, find him, build him up, get confident being him.  Once you've done it, don't fear being him, don't doubt being him, and don't overthink being him. 

After that, you can figure out who to proceed regarding your wife.  You won't have any success until you get yourself squared away first.

[Wrongturn1]

Bravo, Waddams - well said!