How long did it take to accept their illness?

[klacey3]

I was just wondering how long it took you to stop being in denial about their illness and really accept and understand it for what it is.

I thought my ex might have a PD after about 8 months, the signs were there before but I just thought he was moody back then. Its been about a year (6 months with him, 6 months broken up) that I have believed him to have a personality disorder (BPD and or npd) and I still have trouble admitting it to myself. I don't think I can accept it that he has something that can't be cured and that his emotions are shallow and limited. He never really loved me. Deep down I know it is all true but a part of me still believes he could change if only I do something about it even though he has shown no sign of change and I have tried everything I could have thought of. Does anyone else still get stuck in denial after a long period of time?

[hergestridge]

When I realized my ex wife had BPD we had been together for 18 years. I think I realized immediately that things were not going to improve. Over the next year the pieces gradually fell into place. It was like a huge disappointment and at the same time a relief. When she finally left me I knew I really didn't lose anything, because she was never really there to begin with.

[Lonely_Astro]

4 years ago I started seeing J.  It was a whirlwind that lasted 4 months.  Shortly after we feel apart and j was in a tailspin looking for answers.  I was still in contact with her (as much as she would, that is).  During that period, I began to think she had a PD.  It was like everything fell into place.  She told me she knew something was wrong and she was going to a therapist.  A couple of weeks later, she told me she had been diagnosed BPD.

I felt sorry for her.  It was a life sentence for her (and for me at any hope of being with her).  Many because of how unstable it all is.  We grew out of contact and didn't speak for 3 years.  We started with a friendship that led to a romantic r/s.  She had told me she was medicated and had been through serious therapy for those non-contact years (I specifically asked if it was DBT and she said it had been).  She seemed totally different than her 3 years prior.

Except, she wasn't.  She had lied about her therapy (a counselor, not DBT).  I'm guessing she was medicated because she always talked about how many pills per day she had to take (and had to be readjusted several times). 

Anyway, we were together almost a year.  It was a good and bad year.  She started DBT in late Sept after an event (dated a guy behind my back for a month) and we broke up.  After much begging, pleading, and talking from her, we gave it another go around.  August and Sept seemed ok, early Oct she started pushing me away (blaming her 'busy' life, family, and DBT) and we never recovered from that push.  I have my own theories, but I ended up ending the r/s when I found out she had been seeing yet another guy for at least a couple of weeks in Dec (after I was kept in limbo with her, on purpose).

So, yeah.  That was my 2015.

[thisworld]

2-2.5 months. He showed a lot of narcissistic traits and I attributed them to insecurities caused by addiction. It didn't explain everything. Then I discovered BPD.

[Invictus01]

About 4 months. After I got ghosted somebody suggested a personality disorder. I read up as much as I could and things did fit, but I just couldn't believe it and had this "what if I am wrong" feeling. After about 5 months of NC, we got back in touch and based on everything I have read, I started watching a little closer how she responded to me and how she behaved. We kept up about 4 months of LC and it was rather apparent that I couldn't keep this going. Basically, the whole world revolved around her, she only wanted to interact when we talked about her. It became comical to the point where I was like "Alright, here is what will happen. I will say something about myself, she will stop texting me within 2 texts" And time after time I was right. Everything sucked in her world, she needed to vent about everything, everything was somebody else's fault. And it was all about her, her, her and a little more about her. After a while that just became too tiring to keep up.

[thisworld]

We kept up about 4 months of LC and it was rather apparent that I couldn't keep this going. Basically, the whole world revolved around her, she only wanted to interact when we talked about her. It became comical to the point where I was like "Alright, here is what will happen. I will say something about myself, she will stop texting me within 2 texts" And time after time I was right. Everything sucked in her world, she needed to vent about everything, everything was somebody else's fault. And it was all about her, her, her and a little more about her. After a while that just became too tiring to keep up.

This is so spot on. I learned about the disorder here and, now, in LC everything is so obvious. He has started mirroring me again and this time, I can name where that "off" feeling comes from. It's like something unfolding unmistakably in front of my eyes. Without this site though, I'd be nowhere near this understanding.

[Invictus01]

We kept up about 4 months of LC and it was rather apparent that I couldn't keep this going. Basically, the whole world revolved around her, she only wanted to interact when we talked about her. It became comical to the point where I was like "Alright, here is what will happen. I will say something about myself, she will stop texting me within 2 texts" And time after time I was right. Everything sucked in her world, she needed to vent about everything, everything was somebody else's fault. And it was all about her, her, her and a little more about her. After a while that just became too tiring to keep up.

This is so spot on. I learned about the disorder here and, now, in LC everything is so obvious. He has started mirroring me again and this time, I can name where that "off" feeling comes from. It's like something unfolding unmistakably in front of my eyes. Without this site though, I'd be nowhere near this understanding.

I actually started seeing this in her while we were dating. Hell, my friends were asking me "Um, don't you think it is a bit weird how much she talks about herself all the time?" I was like "Well, the girl is 25, we all are in mid 30s with good established careers, she is probably just trying to fit in. At least she has something to say about herself." But after a while it did start to bother me. Well, that and her being the victim of everything and everybody and me needing to console her all the time. But, hey, at the time it was like "Well, we are dating, that's what people do when they are dating, they support each other" Little I knew that it was gonna be an endless pity play if we stayed together.

[Scopikaz]

Honestly she exhibits many of the signs. Feelings of worthlessness, had talked about suicide if not for her children (who she doesn't have custody of), bad childhood, blames others and plays victim, jealous, clingy needy, insecure, love that started out intense, saw her rage once in front of friends, etc.  issues in workplace too.

But I have her reason to be jealous early on by texting former girl friend and lying about it. Didn't validate her enough. 

So I still am not certain was it me or does she have BPD.

[Fr4nz]

So, about my uBPD(+HPD traits) ex gf (the r/s lasted 18 months)... .she exibithed from the start big oddities - after the relationship I realized they were the usual red flags exibithed by BPDs (plus other HPD behaviours) - but I didn't give them a big weight... .I really found this girl very clever, funny, outgoing, passionate, etc., so I wanted to invest myself in the relationship and ignored those "signals".

As the relationship evolved, it was clear there was definitely something wrong with her, but I didn't know almost *nothing* about psychology or, even worse, personality disorders; at some point I hypotesized, with a friend of mine who became friend of her as well, that she was bipolar, due to her rapid and unexplicable mood changes (indeed, BPD can be mistook for bipolar disorder).

However, at that time I didn't investigate further into the matter.

I realized she had some serious mental issue just after the break/up, where she exibithed horrible behaviours, treated me quite poorly and was "in love" with the "fantastic" replacement just after a few days they met each other for the first time (to be honest, the same happened with me when the relationship started).

Finally, I realized she probably has BPD (and HPD traits) once I spoke with my T during the first sessions, and when I asked an independent opinion to two other different psychologists.

So, all in all, I realized she very probably has BPD (and HPD traits) slightly less than two months after the breakup.