Trying to help my daughters friend ~

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello,

My wife and I find ourselves in a situation where our daughters friend is living with just her mom. I believe that her mom is suffering from BPD. This girl is 15 years old and over the past year, I have become more disturbed by her moms behavior. Yelling at her for no reason and saying horrible things, ransacking her room when she is not home. Blaming her for a cat that was hit by a car. Taking her to school late and then not picking her up after for more than an hour. Also, recently she confided in my daughter that she had cut herself before. I am really concerned for her well being, but I don't know where to start. I went to the school to ask if a counselor could talk with her,but I believe that this girl is struggling between asking for help, and "betraying her mom". I am not a doctor or psychologist , just a concerned parent. I have had a conversation with her,and she is aware that we know some of what is happening. We have told her that she is welcome at our house anytime and we've told her that none of these things are her fault. I don't know her mom really at all, so I have not talked to her about this. My next step may be talking with the police if I feel that it is warrented. I am just looking for some advice on how to proceed.

Thanks

[MrSandman]

Hello,

My wife and I find ourselves in a situation where our daughters friend is living with just her mom. I believe that her mom is suffering from BPD. This girl is 15 years old and over the past year, I have become more disturbed by her moms behavior. Yelling at her for no reason and saying horrible things, ransacking her room when she is not home. Blaming her for a cat that was hit by a car. Taking her to school late and then not picking her up after for more than an hour. Also, recently she confided in my daughter that she had cut herself before. I am really concerned for her well being, but I don't know where to start. I went to the school to ask if a counselor could talk with her,but I believe that this girl is struggling between asking for help, and "betraying her mom". I am not a doctor or psychologist , just a concerned parent. I have had a conversation with her,and she is aware that we know some of what is happening. We have told her that she is welcome at our house anytime and we've told her that none of these things are her fault. I don't know her mom really at all, so I have not talked to her about this. My next step may be talking with the police if I feel that it is warrented. I am just looking for some advice on how to proceed.

Thanks

[Turkish]

Hi MrSandman,

First, it's good that you are there to provide a safe place for this girl. Growing up with a mother with depression and BPD, I had a similar place to go, and it saved me in many ways. 30 years later, the boy in that family is still my best friend.

I get the feeling of betraying her mom. It could also be that she fears the unknown, and this is a very valid issue. My mom asked me over 20 years later why I didn't tell the CPS investigator what was really going on. Maybe she had been wondering for years why I didn't, who knows? All I could think of was that as much as I wanted to be rescued at the time, I didn't relish going into foster care. I was 13, and looked towards my 18th birthday when I could escape, and I did. I can only guess her feelings, but that was my experience.

CPS agencies usually have an anonymous hot line. Maybe you can start there. It sounds like the counselor may be unable to do much if the girl won't open up. It's a valid fear. Many people can hide abuse. In domestic violence situatiins, victims often refuse to press charges. It can be complicated.

Other than doing what you're doing, you can learn to validate her feelings. This can go a long way. Your daughter is old enough to learn this, too. This may help:

Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it

Turkish

[ForeverDad]

Who had cut herself, the daughter or the mother?  Cutting oneself is an indication of distress, a poor way of coping with life or life's troubles, serious indeed.

I wonder why her father is no longer in her life?  Whether he left or was driven away, her mother likely framed it as bad as she could to alienate the daughter from her father, perhaps even saying he didn't care about her or didn't love her.  That's not uncommon to hear around here.

[Thunderstruck]

Does the girl have family that she could contact? Aunts, uncles, grandparents?