What did friends or others say then and now

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Early on friends tried to warn me.  About her not having custody of her children. That was a huge red flag. People tried to tell me.  She had a meltdown at one point six months before she left. Again people told me to run.  When she caused me to lose money on a condo I had paid for for a vacation, again people told me to leave her.  And now that she has left and I still keep hanging on, everyone says to let it go.  Move on.  Or if she tries to come back not to take her.

Just curious what other people's friends or families or support groups said both before, during, or after relationship. 

[Scopikaz]

Early on friends tried to warn me.  About her not having custody of her children. That was a huge red flag. People tried to tell me.  She had a meltdown at one point six months before she left. Again people told me to run.  When she caused me to lose money on a condo I had paid for for a vacation, again people told me to leave her.  And now that she has left and I still keep hanging on, everyone says to let it go.  Move on.  Or if she tries to come back not to take her.

Just curious what other people's friends or families or support groups said both before, during, or after relationship. 

[Penelope35]

My friends have been trying to awoke me for some time now. I agree with everything they say and I am sure I would be telling them the same things if the roles were reversed. But of course it is easier said than done. They keep saying that they can't believe how I got my self in this chaos and why I stayed for so long. They are all very surprised because I was always the strong one, with firm boundaries who wouldn't allow anybody to treat me poorly or be unfair. It makes me realise that I did loose my self in the process of not loosing him... .I really don't understand how this happened but I do believe the change in me has to do with his BPD.

[Pretty Woman]

My friends were frustrated. We had so many breakups and each time she left I was a bigger mess than the time before.

I think people were frustrated. Frustrated I could not see what they saw... .

I was too good to be treated so poorly.

They all wanted better for me and she was not better for me.

Now that she is gone close to 8mo, 0 contact, my family and friends are more at ease. They are very supportive of my new relationship and very supportive of me in general. I think people don't understand unless they are in this type of co-dependent relationship. They don't understand the dynamic... .the toxic dance and why we don't just leave.

I understand that.

[Scopikaz]

And sadly I'm only two months out but have done awful at no contact. Though I'm now at day five. And I'm still at point where I actually want her to come back

[JSF13]

Every one of my friends tried to tell me but I never listened. I just kept wanting to believe the toxic cycle was going to end. It wasn't until I started blaming myself and believing the things my ex told me I was did they start walking away from me out of sheer frustration. I still really struggle with the entire situation every single day but all my friends are back in my life and trying to help me emotionally and physically get stable again. I still miss her but I know I don't deserve the abuse I was put through.

[JSF13]

And sadly I'm only two months out but have done awful at no contact. Though I'm now at day five. And I'm still at point where I actually want her to come back

I'm at 5 days too. I know how hard it is

[Penelope35]

We all need to handle it like an addiction. We have withdrawal symptoms that we have to overcome. We know this is not what we want for ourselves. Love is not supposed to be this way. Stay strong!

[bdyw8]

Yes, the detox phase!   It does get easier with time.

I lost two friends over my relationship with my exBPD.  They got so sick of seeing me get hurt and needing support that they gave up.  My other friends were pretty sick of hearing about it too.

Even my parents are baffled as to why I'm so bent out of shape by someone that abused me mentally, physically and emotionally.  Yet I still want her back too for some sadistic reason. 

I think it's because, like with alcohol and drugs, I crave that elusive (and short) high, even though I know it will be followed by 2 weeks or more of misery and depression and hating myself.

So I'm trying to "play the tape out" with my thinking.  When I get a thought of something good I miss, I try to think about something horrible she did.  Or I write out how bad she made me feel.  That helps more and more with each day, but certainly VERY difficult during the first three weeks which I call the detox phase. 

Stay strong!

[thisworld]

Before the relationship and during the relationship when I saw red flags:

Recovering addict bipolar common friend (a half-crazy poet) said: What! Did he contact you through my FB? F*cuk! f*uck! f*uck! Stay away. F*uck I'm gonna have an anxiety attack, I'm so upset about this. F*uck. Stay away!

Recovering addict best female friend from high school said: I think I've seen him in some meetings, L. would know better. (L is a common friend and her ex boyfriend, also an addict.)

L said: He is a bit... .ı don't know. He is a bit loose (whatever that is. Now I know what that is, it is lacking a stable sense of self:)) He had some issues with some people I think. But every relationship is unique you know. Give it a try and get out if you don't like it. I believe it's always worth a try. You can judge for yourself.

During the relationship (red flag):

NPD mother: Don't you think you are a exaggerating a bit? People do these things. You need to be a bit tolerant.

Life coach male friend said: I personally don't see a problem with what he did. Aren't you over-reacting?

recovering addict then BFF high-school friend said: Whaaat is he using? Get out get out get out. He will be of no good. Stay ___in* away! he will have the sickest mind and and will be soo exploitative. Not every addict is the same, don't think this is L or something. ... .

Same friend after the relationship: Oh, you know what this bloke would be unbearable even when I'm high and nodding... .No, this isn't just addiction. I've never seen anyone like this in NA. He seems to have something else. I came across only one person similar to this in my 10 years in NA. This is abusive.  

His mother: He was such a happy, frolicking child. We made a lot of mistakes. And he made a lot of mistakes, too. He has always ruined everything for himself. I sometimes pray that he dies so at least I can have a grave where I can cry. I'll bury my love for him in my heart and just cry. I have a petition at the police station in case he shows violence again.

I said to the life-coach friend: You are the biggest moron in the history of life-coaching. Please go back to your previous job before causing more damage to humanity.