Why do I worry about my ex so much?

[HumbleHeart]

I find myself constantly thinking about my ex because I know she doesn't have any good influences around her. All she does is smoke, drink, and party and her girls are the opposite of classy. I just worry that she'll get caught up in something that she can't handle. Even though she tore my heart in two I'll always love her. Am I the only one who feels this way?

[LostInMemories]

I find myself constantly thinking about my ex because I know she doesn't have any good influences around her. All she does is smoke, drink, and party and her girls are the opposite of classy. I just worry that she'll get caught up in something that she can't handle. Even though she tore my heart in two I'll always love her. Am I the only one who feels this way?

I feel exactly the same buddy... .My ex dumped me a year ago now, and 3 days later got back with her Abusive ex. I'm very scared that one day this abusive guy will hurt her. And like you said, she is surrounded by bad influences (partying drinking) so I know exactly how you feel. It sucks. Even though you're not together anymore you still love this girl to the moon and back.

Stay strong buddy, if you need any support im here,

Peace and keep your head up

[HumbleHeart]

I find myself constantly thinking about my ex because I know she doesn't have any good influences around her. All she does is smoke, drink, and party and her girls are the opposite of classy. I just worry that she'll get caught up in something that she can't handle. Even though she tore my heart in two I'll always love her. Am I the only one who feels this way?

I feel exactly the same buddy... .My ex dumped me a year ago now, and 3 days later got back with her Abusive ex. I'm very scared that one day this abusive guy will hurt her. And like you said, she is surrounded by bad influences (partying drinking) so I know exactly how you feel. It sucks. Even though you're not together anymore you still love this girl to the moon and back.

Stay strong buddy, if you need any support im here,

Peace and keep your head up

Thank you for your reply, it's been a few months since we broke up and I'm finally getting over her. But she added me back on Facebook recently. I guess to be nosey

[Scopikaz]

Mine too. She's living with a girl ten years younger. Hitting bars regularly.  And all her new friends, seems like all that's on their fb pages are drinking references. Sexual references. Pictures of them out drinking here and there. Etc.  sorry. But That to me is a sad life. I hope she sees it as empty.  And I fear she will get a DUI or an unwanted pregnancy

[cosmonaut]

I think it's normal to worry about someone we love being on a self-destructive road.  I worry about my ex too sometimes.  No one wants a loved one to suffer.  So, I think that's a perfectly understandable way to feel.  I'm sorry you're feeling so worried.  It's hard when we feel like we are powerless, and it hurts to watch a loved one self-destruct.  I can certainly relate.  It's good to talk about it.  That often helps us to work through those emotions.

While our concern is perfectly natural, the problems begin when we want to fix.  That was something that took me a very long time to realize, and it was incredibly eye opening when I did.  I realized just how much pain and harm I had caused my ex.  Fixing isn't helping and it's not loving.  It's controlling.  It's dominating.  It's shaming.  It's saying "I'm better than you and I know how to run your life better than you".  That's where we get into trouble with our concern even if we believe we are acting with the best of intentions.  So what is loving?  Support is loving.  Guidance is loving.  Caring and empathizing are loving.  These are actions that aren't controlling and that aren't shaming.  They facilitate our loved one to fix themselves - which is the only way lasting change can be made.

[HumbleHeart]

Mine too. She's living with a girl ten years younger. Hitting bars regularly.  And all her new friends, seems like all that's on their fb pages are drinking references. Sexual references. Pictures of them out drinking here and there. Etc.  sorry. But That to me is a sad life. I hope she sees it as empty.  And I fear she will get a DUI or an unwanted pregnancy

You're right that's not a life at all. My ex was raped before when she used to party and now that she's back out there she's hanging out with girls who are more than promiscuous and do not value themselves a bit. I'm worried/angry that someone I value so much is influenced by those type of girls

[zeus123]

if you're obsessing on your BPDex it's because of wanting to distract from and flee the painful feelings inside of you. get help. you might want to pathologize your BPD lover,but it's crucial to look more deeply into why you've wanted to stay with someone so impaired!...

[HumbleHeart]

I think it's normal to worry about someone we love being on a self-destructive road.  I worry about my ex too sometimes.  No one wants a loved one to suffer.  So, I think that's a perfectly understandable way to feel.  I'm sorry you're feeling so worried.  It's hard when we feel like we are powerless, and it hurts to watch a loved one self-destruct.  I can certainly relate.  It's good to talk about it.  That often helps us to work through those emotions.

While our concern is perfectly natural, the problems begin when we want to fix.  That was something that took me a very long time to realize, and it was incredibly eye opening when I did.  I realized just how much pain and harm I had caused my ex.  Fixing isn't helping and it's not loving.  It's controlling.  It's dominating.  It's shaming.  It's saying "I'm better than you and I know how to run your life better than you".  That's where we get into trouble with our concern even if we believe we are acting with the best of intentions.  So what is loving?  Support is loving.  Guidance is loving.  Caring and empathizing are loving.  These are actions that aren't controlling and that aren't shaming.  They facilitate our loved one to fix themselves - which is the only way lasting change can be made.

My eyes swelled up reading this, it's just not fair you know. All I wanted to do was show her that she could be happy for a change. Instead she'll now only push me away if I even mentioned advice.

[LostInMemories]

I think it's normal to worry about someone we love being on a self-destructive road.  I worry about my ex too sometimes.  No one wants a loved one to suffer.  So, I think that's a perfectly understandable way to feel.  I'm sorry you're feeling so worried.  It's hard when we feel like we are powerless, and it hurts to watch a loved one self-destruct.  I can certainly relate.  It's good to talk about it.  That often helps us to work through those emotions.

While our concern is perfectly natural, the problems begin when we want to fix.  That was something that took me a very long time to realize, and it was incredibly eye opening when I did.  I realized just how much pain and harm I had caused my ex.  Fixing isn't helping and it's not loving.  It's controlling.  It's dominating.  It's shaming.  It's saying "I'm better than you and I know how to run your life better than you".  That's where we get into trouble with our concern even if we believe we are acting with the best of intentions.  So what is loving?  Support is loving.  Guidance is loving.  Caring and empathizing are loving.  These are actions that aren't controlling and that aren't shaming.  They facilitate our loved one to fix themselves - which is the only way lasting change can be made.

My eyes swelled up reading this, it's just not fair you know. All I wanted to do was show her that she could be happy for a change. Instead she'll now only push me away if I even mentioned advice.

I know how you feel buddy. It's NOT fair at all. You tried to be good for her, make her happy, but she won't let you in anymore. I have exactly the same. I know for a fact i DID make her extremely happy. I could see when i met her she was almost depressed, and when we were together she was happy, i could see it. That made me feel amazing. But then suddenly... .It's extremely unfair and hard to deal with. Talking helps, but it wont fix it. You will have nights you feel extremely lonely, hurt and empty. It's normal, but it sucks

[cosmonaut]

My eyes swelled up reading this, it's just not fair you know. All I wanted to do was show her that she could be happy for a change. Instead she'll now only push me away if I even mentioned advice.

No, it certainly isn't fair.  In a perfect world BPD wouldn't exist and our loved ones wouldn't engage in such impulsive and self-destructive behaviors.  It hurts.  It really does.

One of the most important things in trying to guide a loved one to seeking help is to only deal with the issues they themselves realize are issues.  By trying to force them to deal with issues they are not ready to address, we almost always end up pushing them away.  This is hard to do and that is why it is best to allow a trained professional to handle this as much as possible.  There is a very helpful article on the site about guiding a loved one with BPD into seeking help.  You may find it interesting.  Given that the relationship is over it may not be possible to act much upon the recommendations in the article.  But if the event that you do have contact and your ex does reach out, it may help.

[Scopikaz]

Ok. So I've mentioned before in other posts. But my ex said she almost checked herself into mental hospital a couple weeks ago. I offered (which I offered when she moved out two months ago) to pay for counseling.  She said she'd take me up on it. I asked again last week, are you sure. Because if so I will pursue it. If not I don't want to pressure you. Again she said yes. I'm trying to go no contact again. Three days into it now.  So should i set it up for her or not? 

[cosmonaut]

Ok. So I've mentioned before in other posts. But my ex said she almost checked herself into mental hospital a couple weeks ago. I offered (which I offered when she moved out two months ago) to pay for counseling.  She said she'd take me up on it. I asked again last week, are you sure. Because if so I will pursue it. If not I don't want to pressure you. Again she said yes. I'm trying to go no contact again. Three days into it now.  So should i set it up for her or not? 

If you have told her you would set up the appointment and cover the cost then I think you have an obligation to do so.  What do you think?

[Scopikaz]

I think it wasn't coerced. She made the comment about the hospital. I just made the offer. I had made before and she refused. Also i think even if I facilitate it, it has to be her that actually contacts them. Not me. Which she may or may not Do.

Also as a side note. I haven't texted her In three days.  But we are playing trivia crack on iPhone now . Is that contact. Lol.  Ok. So low contact. But I feel good about not texting her

[HumbleHeart]

I think it's normal to worry about someone we love being on a self-destructive road.  I worry about my ex too sometimes.  No one wants a loved one to suffer.  So, I think that's a perfectly understandable way to feel.  I'm sorry you're feeling so worried.  It's hard when we feel like we are powerless, and it hurts to watch a loved one self-destruct.  I can certainly relate.  It's good to talk about it.  That often helps us to work through those emotions.

While our concern is perfectly natural, the problems begin when we want to fix.  That was something that took me a very long time to realize, and it was incredibly eye opening when I did.  I realized just how much pain and harm I had caused my ex.  Fixing isn't helping and it's not loving.  It's controlling.  It's dominating.  It's shaming.  It's saying "I'm better than you and I know how to run your life better than you".  That's where we get into trouble with our concern even if we believe we are acting with the best of intentions.  So what is loving?  Support is loving.  Guidance is loving.  Caring and empathizing are loving.  These are actions that aren't controlling and that aren't shaming.  They facilitate our loved one to fix themselves - which is the only way lasting change can be made.

My eyes swelled up reading this, it's just not fair you know. All I wanted to do was show her that she could be happy for a change. Instead she'll now only push me away if I even mentioned advice.

I know how you feel buddy. It's NOT fair at all. You tried to be good for her, make her happy, but she won't let you in anymore. I have exactly the same. I know for a fact i DID make her extremely happy. I could see when i met her she was almost depressed, and when we were together she was happy, i could see it. That made me feel amazing. But then suddenly... .It's extremely unfair and hard to deal with. Talking helps, but it wont fix it. You will have nights you feel extremely lonely, hurt and empty. It's normal, but it sucks

Do you think they shut us out forever?

[HumbleHeart]

My eyes swelled up reading this, it's just not fair you know. All I wanted to do was show her that she could be happy for a change. Instead she'll now only push me away if I even mentioned advice.

No, it certainly isn't fair.  In a perfect world BPD wouldn't exist and our loved ones wouldn't engage in such impulsive and self-destructive behaviors.  It hurts.  It really does.

One of the most important things in trying to guide a loved one to seeking help is to only deal with the issues they themselves realize are issues.  By trying to force them to deal with issues they are not ready to address, we almost always end up pushing them away.  This is hard to do and that is why it is best to allow a trained professional to handle this as much as possible.  There is a very helpful article on the site about guiding a loved one with BPD into seeking help.  You may find it interesting.  Given that the relationship is over it may not be possible to act much upon the recommendations in the article.  But if the event that you do have contact and your ex does reach out, it may help.

I don't know if she'll ever reach out again...

[cosmonaut]

Do you think they shut us out forever?

It's truly impossible to say.  Every relationship is unique and every pwBPD is unique.  On the whole, members do tend more often than not to hear from an ex at some point.  It may be after quite some time as passed, however.  Other members never do hear from an ex again.  I seem to be in the latter category.  But there's just no telling.  Some members have heard from an ex years and years later.

[Scopikaz]

My ex never was able to reach out to her old exes. But they were marriages and they didn't end well. Also another badly ended relationship. I think she doesn't know what to do in my case as I'm trying to demonstrate unconditional love as best as I can.  So who knows In my case. But she's a beautiful woman and I know she will meet someone. The question is will her issues surface or will he be better at not triggering things for her than I. So i think for me it all depends on who she meets and how good a person he is.

[wakingfirst]

I tried to leave the door open, in case my ex ever has a true emergency, by ending things gently with him.  But who knows?

I still worry about my ex.  But I've had to accept that his life is his own to screw up as he will.  What I do - and I know this won't work for everyone - but during meditation I sometimes focus on him and send him love and strength and positive energy.  Hey, I have no idea if that actually has any effect.  But it doesn't hurt anything, and it at least brings me some peace.

[BorisAcusio]

My eyes swelled up reading this, it's just not fair you know. All I wanted to do was show her that she could be happy for a change. Instead she'll now only push me away if I even mentioned advice.

No, it certainly isn't fair.  In a perfect world BPD wouldn't exist

But BPD indeed does not "exist". It is just merely an abstraction of some personality traits.

[cosmonaut]

But BPD indeed does not "exist". It is just merely an abstraction of some personality traits.

I'm not sure I follow your reasoning.  BPD is certainly an abstraction, but I don't see how that is the same as non-existence.  The pattern of personality traits surely exists, wouldn't you agree?  We are all of us here, because psychologists have noticed a pattern of disordered thinking and behaviors that we have recognized as BPD.  That is the case with all mental illnesses.  Even with many non-mental illnesses;  cancer is an abstraction, for instance.  Can you help me understand how an abstraction makes them not exist?

[Confused108]

My ex goes around sleeping with complete strangers. Kills me. She came back into my life 26 years later and didn't take her bait u til 2 years after that. SOS. My ex was married for 4 years divorced now. She does circle the drain with her ex lovers including her ex husband. I was her 1st love as teens. When she was normal. Now just a complete monster sick with BPD. Do they come back? I have heard from some ppl they do. Mine ? I don't think so. I was her shortest relationship ever. Like I mentioned before , she circles the drain with everyone else. But I k ow she won't with me.

[Pretty Woman]

Humbleheart,

   It's hard but you need to remember:

She survived on her own before you.

She will survive after.

BPD's are SURVIVORS. You fell into the White Knight syndrome and that was a role she put you in... .

when she needed you in that role.

Now she doesn't need you. Yet you feel like you need to save her.

What you really need to do is save yourself. Rescue YOU.

I hope this doesn't sound harsh. My ex makes horrible decisions. She gives away what little money she has to fake charities and invests in unscrupulous endeavors. She is not the brightest.

Yet all I gave her was love and she served me with a RO. She told people she was afraid for her life when I thought we were doing well in our relationship.

Everything is a well-orchestrated event we are NOT privy to. The things I found out after my relationship ended were appalling. I almost lost an amazing job because of this woman and her equally crazy family (I work with her sister).

You cannot rationalize with the irrational. BPD makes you think you are insane. I communicate for a living and here nothing made sense.

For awhile normal will be boring for you.

I repeat: NORMAL will feel boring.

After awhile longer you will come to enjoy the calm, the lack of chaos. It's during this time you need to stay out of your head. Try not to talk about her to everyone.

I know that was the hardest part. I couldn't process or rationalize her behavior and drove all my friend and family nuts ruminating.

Come here and post. Read others posts. When it gets to be too much, take break from reading.

Being social helped me tremendously. So did going to the gym. When you feel good physically your outlook is much brighter!

You will love again, you are a loving person. You won't stop being loving, perhaps just a little bit more cautious and definitely more aware... .

aware of what you will and will not accept.

You deserve the best! I wish that for you.

PW

[HumbleHeart]

Humbleheart,

   It's hard but you need to remember:

She survived on her own before you.

She will survive after.

BPD's are SURVIVORS. You fell into the White Knight syndrome and that was a role she put you in... .

when she needed you in that role.

Now she doesn't need you. Yet you feel like you need to save her.

What you really need to do is save yourself. Rescue YOU.

I hope this doesn't sound harsh. My ex makes horrible decisions. She gives away what little money she has to fake charities and invests in unscrupulous endeavors. She is not the brightest.

Yet all I gave her was love and she served me with a RO. She told people she was afraid for her life when I thought we were doing well in our relationship.

Everything is a well-orchestrated event we are NOT privy to. The things I found out after my relationship ended were appalling. I almost lost an amazing job because of this woman and her equally crazy family (I work with her sister).

You cannot rationalize with the irrational. BPD makes you think you are insane. I communicate for a living and here nothing made sense.

For awhile normal will be boring for you.

I repeat: NORMAL will feel boring.

After awhile longer you will come to enjoy the calm, the lack of chaos. It's during this time you need to stay out of your head. Try not to talk about her to everyone.

I know that was the hardest part. I couldn't process or rationalize her behavior and drove all my friend and family nuts ruminating.

Come here and post. Read others posts. When it gets to be too much, take break from reading.

Being social helped me tremendously. So did going to the gym. When you feel good physically your outlook is much brighter!

You will love again, you are a loving person. You won't stop being loving, perhaps just a little bit more cautious and definitely more aware... .

aware of what you will and will not accept.

You deserve the best! I wish that for you.

PW

Wow I needed to hear this, thank you so much for your time and input

[BorisAcusio]

But BPD indeed does not "exist". It is just merely an abstraction of some personality traits.

I'm not sure I follow your reasoning.  BPD is certainly an abstraction, but I don't see how that is the same as non-existence.  The pattern of personality traits surely exists, wouldn't you agree?  We are all of us here, because psychologists have noticed a pattern of disordered thinking and behaviors that we have recognized as BPD.  That is the case with all mental illnesses.  Even with many non-mental illnesses;  cancer is an abstraction, for instance.  Can you help me understand how an abstraction makes them not exist?

I see what you mean, in perfect world, people wouldn't have to suffer, but if you remove BPD from the equation, you remove some important fabric of who they are. It's not a virus or a malignant tumor. I still have some lingering guilt for setting her up as failure if she does not fit into my idea of reference of how she should live .This is no different from the initial primary caregiver she has now in her psyche and who scapegoats her for the failure to become whole. I wish that some part of you that makes the very person who you are now just wouldn't exist? That doesn't sound accepting.

[cosmonaut]

I see what you mean, in perfect world, people wouldn't have to suffer, but if you remove BPD from the equation, you remove some important fabric of who they are. It's not a virus or a malignant tumor. I still have some lingering guilt for setting her up as failure if she does not fit into my idea of reference of how she should live .This is no different from the initial primary caregiver she has now in her psyche and who scapegoats her for the failure to become whole. I wish that some part of you that makes the very person who you are now just wouldn't exist? That doesn't sound accepting.

Ah, I see what you are getting at now.  I completely agree with you about the need to accept our partner as they are.  I'm with you 100% there, and I think one of the huge problems I often see here is that we refuse to do this.  We try and demand that our partner be what we want them to be.  That never works out well.  If we are going to stay, we have to accept.

For myself, I don't feel that mental illness is a fundamental component of who we genuinely are.  This is something that is heavily influenced by having mental illness myself (bipolar disorder), but I don't feel like my mental illness is the "real" me.  It's part of me, certainly, but it's a part of me that I wish I could dump.  Perhaps the best way I can explain is that I feel like I have my soul and then my body.  My soul is who I am and my body is the vessel for that.  My deficient brain chemistry, or whatever else is the basis of my disorder has a profound impact on my ability to express my genuine self - my soul - but it is not itself my genuine self.  It's part of my body.  I may have blue eyes, but my blue eyes are not a part of who I fundamentally am.  I feel the same way about my ex and her disorder.  This is, of course, all belief but it's how I feel about the disorder.  I don't hold my ex's disorder against her at all.  I do wish she didn't have to suffer from it, however.  She is a victim too.

Edit:  I guess do think of the disorder as more of a disease like a virus or cancer now that I think about it.  I can see how that might be confusing given that a personality disorder is more of a disorder of thinking and development rather than being primarily physically based.  None-the-less I see it as something that has robbed my ex of so much in life, that has caused her so much suffering, and that she herself very much wishes she didn't have.  I can remember her telling me with so much sadness and shame that she wished she could just be normal.

[wakingfirst]

Thank you for your post, Pretty Woman.  It really spoke to me.  Especially the part about finding normal life boring in the wake of a relationship with a BPD sufferer.  That's true - I grooved on the idea of being needed, on being the one person able to understand his ups and downs, on the movie-like drama of everything with him.  When he was gone, it got so quiet.  I'm starting to appreciate it but it was an adjustment.  I reread some old letters from him today and I couldn't believe it - his love, his anger, both just deafening.  Just screaming off the page.  How did I put up with that? Why did I think that was life?  That's not life, that's just shouting.  Thank you, I really appreciate the way you expressed that, you really helped me.

[Herodias]

I have felt the same way... .I felt like I was his savior for the last 9 years. What I have read is that a pretty big pedestal to put myself on. We really aren't the ones to save them. I do think my like is a bit boring with out him. I do like the fact that I am not afraid all the time any more. I miss the loving part of him. I see him doing that with someone else, but I realize while he is doing that with her, he is keeping in touch with me. Not appropriate for someone in another relationship and having a baby with them! I am sure she would't call him the "best man in the world" if she knew what he was saying to me! He has lost his job... .yes he is spiraling down like he said he would. His Mother said he wold crash and burn. I believe she has seen this several times before. He has been homeless before... .yes he is a survivor. I do agree, we focus on them to not focus on ourselves. I just don't know what more I can do with myself. I have analyzed everything to death. I am not the person I used to be. I will not get entangled with people like I have been in the past anymore. I think more of myself now. All I feel now is lonely. I talk to friends, I go out with people. I spend time with my family. I miss having a partner. Sometimes I think I didn't want to be alone so badly that I stayed with him to not be in the position I am now. I feel pathetic because of that. I don't like being single- I really don't. I liked being needed as well. The only thing is, I feel like I accepted too much. I accepted him the way he was, but all that got me is walked all over. I need to be careful not to let him continue to do this. I am not going to tell him how he "should" be acting now... .but I can choose how I respond to him. All he does is lie and play games. I totally see it now.