Advice RTC or kick her out at 18?

[Gorges]

Hi,

I posted last week about being able to let go and not rescue my 17 year old daughter from her depression and lying in bed all day.  Well within a week of that episode she had attacked a girl at school.  She has never gotten in trouble at school.  Her best friend who probably also has undiagnosed BPD was upset about the victim hitting on her boyfriend so started the attack.  My daughter apparently jumped out of a car and kicked and hit the victim while she was in a fetal position and not fighting back.  My daughter claimed she was trying to break up the fight.  The principal was very frustrated with her because she kept sticking to this story despite multiple witnesses saying the same thing. He suspended her for 3 days and not longer because she had no prior discipline record.  She does cut classes but this is an urban school with many problems.

The victims mother is pressing charges and I am grateful for this.  My daughter will be charged with harassment in the 2nd degree.  It is basically when you hit or kick someone but don't hurt them.

The night before she was suspended she snuck out of the house in the middle of the night.  The night she received this charge (she hasn't received it officially yet, the principal just called and emailed us) she stayed out with probably the same group of loser friends and came home smelling of pot.

She does smoke pot and I just found a paper she wrote on the benefits of marijuana for her depression and anxiety.  The paper was filled with grammar and spelling mistakes so it makes her look really stupid.

Matters are being complicated by the fact that in 12 days my husband, myself and my son are flying to Italy for 6 months.  My daughter chose (with our suggestion originally) to stay back with her grandparents who live in a different city an hour away.   She caused too much conflict in the home for us to want to be in a foreign country with her.

Many things are happening all at once for her, she is probably not going to graduate in January as planned, she probably won't get into the colleges she is applying to.  She is now ending her time at the high school with a criminal violation.

Did I mentioned that we tried therapy for 2 years (2 different therapists), DBT groups for a year, 2 different psychiatrists.  They mostly diagnose the problems as family relationship issues.  My daughter is very lovely and convincing one on one and a monster behind closed doors.  So, I would end up looking like the crazy one in the visits.

We gave up on therapy this fall because she has a lot of good stuff going on and didn't have time for it.  Plus, she doesn't see herself as having a role in the problem and she is not motivated to change.

Our current plan is to talk to a lawyer to make sure myself and parents are protected, not to reduce any consequences for my daughter.  She will then go to my parents to see if she calms down in a separate city away from drugs.  The next step, if she doesn't calm down,  would be to get her into treatment program before she turns 18. She will be 18 in 4 months.

Should I not bother with the treatment program and at 18 kick her out?  She might not go and my husband might not support either one.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[SoSoSoTired]

Your daughter sounds a lot like my daughter.  I'm very sorry you are experiencing such turmoil. 

In my opinion, while you are in Italy, your daughter will have a short honeymoon period with her grandparents and then, she'll do the same unhealthy actions in their city.   Your parents don't have the daily experience of living with your daughter.  They don't have the daily experience of combining her lies together to get to the truth.  She may have worse behavior in their city, but your parents won't immediately grasp what is occurring.

My daughter went to an very reputable RTF for almost a year paid for by her school district and the behavioral health agency associated with my health insurance.  She befriended incredibly mentally unhealthy individuals like herself at the RTF.  She underwent 2 hours/week of one-on-one therapy at the RTC, weekly family therapy, and multiple hours of group therapy each week, but her behavior became more unhealthy.  Upon discharge she took the knowledge she gained from her new perverse friends and used it to become a more talented manipulator, liar, and thief.  She had sex with at least two female teens in her RTF, so upon discharge, she became promiscuous with females as well as males.

There are some forum members who've posted positive information about their children's experiences in RTFs, so it's possible your daughter could benefit from an RTF. 

Your healthy family members may need to "save" themselves by going no contact with your daughter if she chooses to not change her behavior. 

[Jae]

Ah I can relate.  We believed that if we didn't do something our daughter would end up on the street or end up dead.  We admitted her to an RTC and have seen tremendous progress. but they aren't all alike and the ones that are good are very expensive--we figured it was worth the cost of college to save her life.  we aren't sure if she will go to college but believe now she will lead a healthy life.  the challenge is --can you afford it somehow and can you find one that would be a good fit.  I am aware of some girls who only attended 2-5 months because either they ran out of $ or were asked to leave or convinced their parents to pull them--even so they benefited but usually after a few more years of turmoil.  suggest you project yourself into the future and figure out which course of action would cause most/least regret.  In my daughter's RTC there are girls who were admitted by one parent although another refused... .one divorced father had his daughter transported without her mom knowing/agreeing--transporting is common but usually with both parents agreeing.  also, good transporters are friendly not the badass types ... .but they still maintain control... .

[lbjnltx]

Time is of the essence, what have you decided to do?

Have you considered a wilderness program before transitioning to an RTC?