Just feeling really sad

[landslide]

My 16 y/o daughter has been running away repeatedly in the last few months and ran the night before Mother's Day.  I have been trying so hard to get her into RTC or another form of intensive treatment and have been met with nothing but barriers.  I am really afraid for her this time, that she will do her best not to be found and get into serious trouble or even a life-threatening situation.  I think of the beautiful, spirited, funny, creative little girl I used to know and how excited I was for our future together. I always wanted children, especially a daughter, and now she is gone, first slowly changing into someone I don't know, and now not even physically here.  A part of me has grown resigned to all of is, and that also makes me sad even though I know it is the only way I can survive emotionally.  I just wish I could go back and re-live some of the happy times again, when we used to go places together and have so much fun.  Just like most people, I took so much for granted.  Right now I wish I could tell her that I love her in a way that she could actually hear and believe me.             

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Hugs to you Landslide!... .could see your tears on your post!

Your story brings back so many memories for me.  My daughter was only 12 when she first ran (38 years ago now... .and our story continues!).  Your daughter, like mine, CHOSE the best time to get the most bang-for-her-buck.  It was Mothers' Day for you... .our 17th Wedding Anniversary the first time... .next time was her 13th birthday... .2 more times after that.

So, in the 38 years it seems all "drama" happens on some "special" day.  Most of the family's birthdays, anniversary, etc. start in September.   Every time the calendar changed to September 1st... .I held my breath.  Many celebrations either imploded or were cancelled... .Christmas Eve 2012 she cancelled Christmas... .nothing since.

It is not about me now... .it is about you.  I DO know your pain!  I DO know your fear!  Bottom line, she is going to do what she is going to do and she is going to be looking for your reaction.  If she has found THE  button, you are in for a rough ride.  I'm sad to say that I am not such a good role model... .still, after all these years I go into my Pity Parties... .Mothers' Day this year was a doozie for me... .BUT!... .I do pull myself up and get back on track.  Even after all these years (and now into 4 years of estrangement), the moment I open my eyes, she is on my mind.  I will always be her Mom... .and she will always be my child... .umbilical cords are never, ever completely severed.

Hang in, Toots, and keep putting your tears into writing.  Find strength on this website.     ; ))

[landslide]

Thank you, Huat, reading about your experiences helped me feel much less alone.  It has been such a bewildering and overwhelming experience.  I do find strength here- it helps me stay centered on what I do and do not have control over.   

[Stela]

I'm sorry you're hurting, Landslide. It is a miserable thing, to watch our children change into someone we don't know.  I agree, though, that it helps to be in contact with other people going through the same thing. 

[landslide]

Thank you, Stela.  So many people here understand!

[Yepanotherone]

I'm so sorry for your pain and hurting landslide and I'm right there with you giving you a massive hug .

Isn't it just so true that somehow or other, things always kick off around special occasions! My DD16 was hospitalized after a suicide attempt around the weekend we had booked a family weekend away for myself and DH's wedding anniversary , then a few weeks ago she was hospitalized again ( another suicide attempt) over my husbands 50th birthday whereby again , we had booked a family weekend away to San Francisco.

I think , being only 8 months after the first signs of a serious mental health issue became obvious with my daughter, DH and I are still flitting all over the place between the various stages of the grieving process. First the shock, then the denial, then the anger... then back to shock and so it goes on. We are nowhere close to fully reaching the acceptance stage yet . DH tends to hover more in denial than I do, I'm closer to accepting than he is , but I still find myself in shock that life has changed so significantly in such a short space of time. I pine for the days when life seemed so simple and relatively carefree.

Rest assured we are all in this together xxxx

[landslide]

Thank you, Yepanotherone, sounds like there is definitely a theme of all hell breaking loose around important occasions. 

I was just awakened by a police officer bringing my daughter home.  I was so relieved to see her and gave her a hug while she just sat there.  She told me she "left because just wanted to live somewhere else" and that "if I gave her chance she would be fine as long as she didn't live here."  Because of course we are the problem as usual.  I told her I wasn't angry with her but don't feel she is well based on her impulsive behavior, telling me she is unable to trust anyone, etc.  This infuriated her because one of the ways we are supposedly abusive is to express concern about her mental health.  My husband is taking her to the ER to at least get tox and STI screens.  It would be lovely if they would keep her for a psychiatric stay but I'm not holding my breath as the system has let us down so many times.  She threatened to just keep running.  And she might.  We've been working with an in-home crisis stabilization counselor for the last month, and she keeps telling us to just hold steady, keep consistent rules, and "if she's going to run, let her run."  The counselor understands BPD, so it has been helpful.  She has referred us to get our daughter into RTC but insurance denied our first attempt. 

I have been sick for a virus and ear infection for 5 days, I'm sure in part because of the stress.  Now I'm waiting for a phone call from the ER so will probably be up all night.  Right now, I don't really feel anything at all.  Because so much of this is our new normal.             

[Stela]

That's one of the hardest parts... .the new normal. Who wants to live this way and consider it "normal"?

[landslide]

Well, the small silver lining is that we took her to a different ER than usual and they are pursuing placement in a psych bed.  So for once, we are being heard that she is not just a wild teen having fun but needs serious help.  It assuredly helped that she expressed suicidal ideation related to the idea of coming back home. Which is probably just her way of trying to live out the fantasy that we are the problem and someone will just rescue her and find her a home where her problems will magically disappear, but at least gives a moment to breathe and work on bigger picture plans.   

[Bright Day Mom]

Thank God she has been found! 

It was smart to bring her to the ER for eval; I understand the weight being lifted when the docs admit them.  At least for now she is safe and you and your family can take a deep breath and work on the next step. 

[lbjnltx]

Your daughter's words were spoken in my ear 6 years ago by my own child.

Getting her into a well qualified RTC is your best hope at lasting and meaningful change for her and your family.

The key is to choose the best program that will address her needs in the way she will benefit.

These are the things that were particularly meaningful in my family's RTC experience:

Heavy family involvement

Equine Therapy

Positive Peer Culture (Group and peer accountability program)

Flexible Treatment philosophy

Not a Behavior modification or levels program

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Stela]

Hi Landslide,

Just wondering how things are going.  Did your daughter get placed in a psych facility?

[Gypsydancer]

Hallo to you.

It is terrible to be regarded as the enemy and have negatives projected on to you.

I feel that I am studied and a note is made of my weak points.

I am regularly attacked and criticized and called to book.

After my last post my daughter went to stay wit her sister and overdosed on her meds.

Her sister and 16 year old daughter saved her but experienced the horror of guarding over her and witnessing the hospitalization etc

It was touch and go for a few days but thankfully she caused no permanent damage to herself.

That cannot be said of us.

My eldest daughter has suffered severe trauma

I was completely shattered emotionally and physically (still trying to heal)

Yes I have understanding of your sense of loss of normality.

It is like living in a permanent nightmare, never knowing when the spectre of madness will loom again to terrify and mortify you.

Sadness at the loss of so much including( I am honest) the shining and tender love I once felt for this child who has become an alien, and my daily enemy, thief of my last years

I have a strong faith, and do find comfort and daily strength.

I weep with you, as you have to traverse this barren landscape again and again.

Thankfully you have an oasis in the BPD family forum

Peace to you!

Gypsydancer.

[landslide]

Thank you again to everyone who supported and shared.  My daughter is still in a locked psych unit awaiting placement at an RTC.  We have still had obstacles due to insurance, but they are now looking at county funding.  It is such a relief to know she is safe, that she might be able to gain some stability simply from no longer being constantly on the run.  I'm trying to love her as she is and accept that the daughter I once knew is very different, perhaps forever gone.  I'm trying not to take personally the things she does to protect herself or the fact that she can't really show me love.  I'm learning not to blame myself, that this is something much bigger than me, most likely something I will never fully understand.  I'm trying to hold hope for recovery while also being okay with the fact that she may always be ill.  At least I can breathe now. 

[lbjnltx]

Do take this time to regroup and rest, take care of yourself knowing she is safe.

Let us know what is transpiring and how we can help you through.



lbj