Need advice: should or should I not notify my replacement?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi all,

My ex and I split back in late June of '15 after about a 2 year relationship.  She connected with my replacement (an LDR) in July and I believe has continued on with him since.

However, recently I've come to find out that she has been involved with someone else for the past month or so (this guy is local).

Question:  do I tell my replacement or not?  I know who he is but he doesn't know who I am so it could be done without revealing my identity.  With an LDR it's hard to keep people honest so he might not have a clue and it's my understanding that he's a really nice guy (sound familiar?).   Part of me would like to spare him any additional pain and part of me could care less.  I guess my "rescuing" characteristics have moved from my ex to my replacement!

Any comments would be appreciated.

[Learning Fast]

Hi all,

My ex and I split back in late June of '15 after about a 2 year relationship.  She connected with my replacement (an LDR) in July and I believe has continued on with him since.

However, recently I've come to find out that she has been involved with someone else for the past month or so (this guy is local).

Question:  do I tell my replacement or not?  I know who he is but he doesn't know who I am so it could be done without revealing my identity.  With an LDR it's hard to keep people honest so he might not have a clue and it's my understanding that he's a really nice guy (sound familiar?).   Part of me would like to spare him any additional pain and part of me could care less.  I guess my "rescuing" characteristics have moved from my ex to my replacement!

Any comments would be appreciated.

[Anez]

I would say no. It's not your problem anymore. Just distance yourself from the whole thing.

[valet]

Hey Learning Fast, I get how you feel but I don't think that it would do either of you any good.

People are people; we can't control others. Sometimes its best to let them learn their own lessons, even when we know that if they fail they will endure quite a bit of pain. And hey, maybe we can learn something in that process too.

I noticed that you seem concerned about revealing your identity if you were to go through with it. What's up with that?

[Learning Fast]

Valet,

My ex's daughter and my daughter are best friends so I want to eliminate any potential blowback.

LF

[Confused108]

LF I was thinking the same with my ex and her ex boyfriend whom she dated for a year and a half . She told me in June that he broke it off with her in 2012 winter. They remained friends on FB and she told me that last Dec of 2014 he supposedly "raped " her after she called him in the phone bc she was "scarred". I've noticed this is how she ropes back in her ex lovers when she feels like it. I don't believe a word of what she told me about raping her either. She took this guy of her FB for me last summer and then when she dumped me she put him right back on. So a little birdy told me they are back again and I am going to warn him about what she is. I know he knows nothing about her being BPD. And to be honest I wish the heck an ex of hers came and told me just how crazy and mental she was before she came a knocking at my door. I would have ran!

[blissful_camper]

I don't think that notifying is a good idea. 

My ex's ex wife reached out to me a few months before I left the r/s.  I appreciated it because our discussion provided some closure for her, and helped me find clarity.  But I'd known her for years.  If a stranger had reached out to me, I would have felt that it was a violation of my privacy. 

I don't think it's healthy to focus on what's happening in their camp.  Try to focus on yourself and moving forward. 

[fred6]

I don't think that notifying is a good idea. 

My ex's ex wife reached out to me a few months before I left the r/s.  I appreciated it because our discussion provided some closure for her, and helped me find clarity.  But I'd known her for years.  If a stranger had reached out to me, I would have felt that it was a violation of my privacy. 

I don't think it's healthy to focus on what's happening in their camp.  Try to focus on yourself and moving forward. 

Not to mention, if an ex of your significant other told you some bad stuff about them, would you actually believe it? Even if you believed it, would you do anything about it or sweep it under the rug and "HOPE" for the best? You would most likely think that it's a crazy or disgruntled ex. And I'm sure that most pwBPD already have talked to their new supply about the crazy/disgruntled ex(ie you). My exBPD talked $hit about everyone she had ever been with before me and how bad they were. Well, it's too bad that at the time I didn't connect the dots and see the pattern. The pattern and common denominator in all of her bad past relationships WAS HER.

[Learning Fast]

Sage advice from all.  I'm not going to let my replacement know.  There really isn't any reason to do so other than to act as a "savior/rescuer" which is a character trait that I'm trying to work out of my system.

That is what is great about this forum:  it can act as a reality check when we occasionally veer off course.

Many thanks,

LF

[Mr. Magnet]

No.

We need our membership ranks to grow!

[Welgrow]

Ha ha,

As painful as this has been, I sometimes wonder which one of you guys was also enmeshed with my ex. She has certainly made rounds and you folks all seem to know my pain. Brothers and sisters we are!

[Invictus01]

No point. You will be viewed as jealous EX, a liar or something along those lines. Why bother, not your life, let them (or more like the replacement) figure it out.

[Learning Fast]

Membership drive indeed.  If anyone starts posting with a moniker of "BPD'dInIndy" or something similar we'll know he's on board!

All of that aside, after rethinking this whole idea, it also comes down to wanting to avoid any further tethering or enmeshment.  The only tie I have left to my ex is indirectly through my daughter's relationship with her daughter and that is outside of my control.

LF

[Rmbrworst]

If you do not know them personally, and unless they contact you first, then I would not involve myself in it.  They will or will not learn on their own.  Unfortunately.

I contacted my exBPD's ex, because he called me in a fit of rage and was upset because he found out that he was cheating on him with me.  However, I explained to him that I was totally unaware of their ongoing relationship, and I wasn't trying to do anything behind his back.  He calmed down and asked if he could ask me questions at a later time, so I did. 

Keep in mind, we were also both friends before this all happened, so we had prior involvement, and he contacted me first.

I then told him everything that happened.  He said that he did not care that he had been cheated on, and he will never let my exBPD go no matter how badly he acts, because he's too in love with him.

So.  Even if you do warn them, dont expect them to listen. 

I'd just let it go.

[Learning Fast]

Rmbrworst,

Unbelievable in your situation as you were a known entity and not some random stranger.  The trauma bond, attachment and enmeshment is unbreakable for some.  You can only wish this guy the best and send him on his way. 

Thanks for sharing the story.

LF

[Rmbrworst]

Rmbrworst,

Unbelievable in your situation as you were a known entity and not some random stranger.  The trauma bond, attachment and enmeshment is unbreakable for some.  You can only wish this guy the best and send him on his way. 

Thanks for sharing the story.

LF

Ya, it's truly unfortunate.  Their relationship is really chaotic, but perhaps that is what works for them. 

Either way, I'm glad to be done with it.  I cant imagine how they're happy if they cannot even trust each other . . . however I've thought about it for over something like 5 weeks now day in and day out, and there's nothing else I can gain from thinking about it.

To be honest, I totally expected his boyfriend to break up with him . . . I couldn't believe it when I found out otherwise. 

I agree with everything you said.  I think their relationship is based on trauma bonding.  I know them well and I know how many tears they've cried.

I have a feeling they think it's normal . . .

Anyway, again, not my problem.

Just like it's no longer your problem.

It sounds like we are both very caring people and have a huge desire to take care of others . . . but it's all about boundaries and self respect, and I think contacting someone about your exBPD is just trouble.  It'll make you look bad (even though I have a feeling you really mean well).

Much love. 

[valet]

Valet,

My ex's daughter and my daughter are best friends so I want to eliminate any potential blowback.

LF

Doesn't it also make sense to eliminate any blowback by not starting any drama as well?

How do you think that your ex would react if she catches a message like this? I know that if it happened to me, I wouldn't exactly be thrilled.

I know from experience that detachment is very difficult from one of these relationships. Strong emotions are triggered in both parties. It's hard to take the high road sometimes. And hey, it sounds like it would be a good thing to do for your daughter's sake to not let the replacement know!

[Infern0]

No, it'd be a show of poor boundries on your part.

[blissful_camper]

It sounds as though LF has plans for a mindful path. It's a question that has come up a bunch on this forum. Stay the course, share with us, and have faith that you will get through this.

Before you know it, 'hot mess' will not equal 'hot.'

[Learning Fast]

Thanks again to all!

It always helps to hear other points of view that are more third-party and clinical as objectivity is easily lost in these relationships.  Keeps us grounded and moving forward in a healthy and not harmful way.  Again, many thanks for all of your comments.

LF

[Confused?]

No. Were you ever notified by any of her "crazy" exes. I certainly wasn't. Of course both of my replacements were "horrible" people (said by her). No reason to ever warn someone. If you would have been warned by an ex of hers, you would have never thought anything of it. You would of thought he was just some jealous guy and believed everything she said about him.