Curious: Is it common for BPD's to change opinion frequently about things

[Musicmaker1]

Hi,

I'm curious if it's a common thing for our (ex)BPD partners to change their opinion frequently and pretty radically too. Let me give you some examples of my ex-wife, I'm curious if this resonates with any of you.

I'm atheist and my ex-wife is Islamic. She is however pretty free-thinking about everything (we've had sex before marriage, she ate pork, etc.). My opinion on gay people is very simple: They're like everyone else. Some of my friends are gay and they are absolutely awesome. I noticed at first she accepted gay people, but she didn't really like it either, she was kinda neutral so to speak. Then a few days later I noticed her watching TV and seeing gay people, she cursed at them, despised them, saying God should punish them. She wasn't kidding. Then a few days later she saw a gay couple walking on the street, she said they look so happy and cute, and that she didn't understand why some people could hate a beautiful connection like this. Three radically different opinions, expressed in no more than 2 weeks. From 0 to -100 to +100.

Also the city and country that I live in (she moved her from Algeria). There we're moments were she absolutely hated the country/city and then 1 day later she told me how she was her sister would grow up here instead of Algeria, because this is such a peaceful and nice country, much better than were she came from.

I'm anxious to hear your stories about this

[Thread]

My ex, who now looking back I 100% believe was a pwBPD was also Muslim and would have the same confused, countering opinions all close together. Not sure if it's part of the religions characteristics or what?

My H Bpd, yes clearly I attract people with Bpd. Anyway he does the same. One day he will be okay with something and the next he will act as f he wasn't super for it and have totally contradictory opinions on the matter. It also depends like is he taking to me about not likening something than in front of someone else will act like he likes it because they like it and he wants to be accepted by that particular person. Being agreeable with me vanished after the first 5 months of our relationship, and I'm probably overecaggerating that time frame. If I only knew it was a mental disorder at the time and not just a bad day.

[Thread]

My ex, who now looking back I 100% believe was a pwBPD was also Muslim and would have the same confused, countering opinions all close together. Not sure if it's part of the religions characteristics or what?

My H Bpd, yes clearly I attract people with Bpd. Anyway he does the same. One day he will be okay with something and the next he will act as if he wasn't super for it and have totally contradictory opinions on the matter. It also depends like is he taking to me about not likening something than in front of someone else will act like he likes it because they like it and he wants to be accepted by that particular person.

Being agreeable with me vanished after the first 5 months of our relationship, and I'm probably overecaggerating that time frame. If I only knew it was a mental disorder at the time and not just a bad day.

[circularref]

Yes absolutely. My exBPD would do this for everything. All. The. Time. It was driving nuts.

Some examples:

- I propose to cook something that has cumin. She tells me she hates cumin and doesn't want to eat that. So I let her cook, so she makes salad and adds cumin to it.

- I propose we go to a concert, she tells me she doesn't think it'll be good and doesn't want to go. A week later her flatmate proposes the same concert to her and so she comes back to me saying we absolutely have to go.

- I was very enthusiastic about the TV show Bojackhorseman, saying she'd love it. I showed her the first two episodes but she hated it. I've just seen on her facebook a post on how much she loves that show.

I could go on and on and on. But the most frustrating part was everything I tried to make her discover was instantly dismissed unless someone else showed her the same thing (be it music, food, movies, etc).

Like Hanging said, I think it was often a matter of liking something that someone else likes just to be accepted. Since I already accepted her, she didn't have to do it with me. pwBPD have identity issues, and my ex certainly has them. She would essentially like whatever is currently popular and do whatever is considered "cool" by her circle of friends. It was a bit sad to see that someone in her late twenties has the personality development of a teenager. It didn't hit me until much later after the break up because her circle of friends have a very similar taste as mine.

[Confused108]

Yes! My ex did the same thing. Her mind was always changing like putting on and turning off a light switch. When we first started talking she was going to move back to NY. Then she wasn't then she was then she wasn't. Then she was supposed to come and see me in NY on. Certain date. Then she couldn't then she could. These are just examples. She just could not commit to decisions when it came to our relationship. But then I had noticed in her other ones she could! Very strange. Anyone else have this? They did it with you  but not so much the other exs?

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey Musicmaker-

Borderlines have an unstable sense of self, and consequence of not having a fully formed 'self' of their own, the genesis of the disorder.  So someone who changes who they 'are' is going to have different opinions, sometimes radically different, depending on what version of a 'self' they are currently experiencing.  That inconsistency can be very confusing for folks in relationship with them, 'attachments' as they're called, and contributes to the 'walking on eggshells' most of us experience in these relationships.  How well are you dealing with that now?

[Musicmaker1]

Everyone thanks for all the replies. Can't express enough how much your replies and this forum helps me, and continues to educate me. Thank you

the most frustrating part was everything I tried to make her discover was instantly dismissed unless someone else showed her the same thing (be it music, food, movies, etc).

THIS, exactly! My ex-wife wanted to get in better shape and I made a training program for her and wanted to help her with her diet and nutrition. She never stuck to the program for even 1 week. She also used to get chicken wings in the evening often. It was fine by me, but that didn't help her nutrition of course. Then when a friend of hers talked about a program, she immediatly wanted to do it. Just... .so immature!

Hey Musicmaker-

Borderlines have an unstable sense of self, and consequence of not having a fully formed 'self' of their own, the genesis of the disorder.  So someone who changes who they 'are' is going to have different opinions, sometimes radically different, depending on what version of a 'self' they are currently experiencing.  That inconsistency can be very confusing for folks in relationship with them, 'attachments' as they're called, and contributes to the 'walking on eggshells' most of us experience in these relationships.  How well are you dealing with that now?

You really explained it well here. Changing your opinion so radically and frequently isn't really changing an opinion... .it's changing who you are. I think you hit the nail on the head here.

Right now we broke up about 3 months ago and I'm seeing a therapist starting next week. I'm not doing too bad, I'm holding on and I can see my situation is improving. Still a long way to go before I'm back to 100% but it's definitely progressing.

[circularref]

THIS, exactly! My ex-wife wanted to get in better shape and I made a training program for her and wanted to help her with her diet and nutrition. She never stuck to the program for even 1 week. She also used to get chicken wings in the evening often. It was fine by me, but that didn't help her nutrition of course. Then when a friend of hers talked about a program, she immediatly wanted to do it. Just... .so immature!

That reminds of a story, my ex also wanted to loose weight and she signed up for a gym and wanted to improve her diet. She asked for support so I helped pushing her to go to the gym regularly and think about what she eats. A few weeks later, a friend of hers accused me of being macho. Turns out my ex was telling that friend that I was almost forcing her to loose weight, that I would only accept a skinny girlfriend, etc. Incredible how she was always twisting things to everybody.

Right now we broke up about 3 months ago and I'm seeing a therapist starting next week. I'm not doing too bad, I'm holding on and I can see my situation is improving. Still a long way to go before I'm back to 100% but it's definitely progressing.

Keept it up!

[GreenEyedMonster]

My ex changed his mind on

-BDSM

-Wanting children

-Strip motels

-Eating sweets

-Going to work

-Sex with his ex-girlfriend

-His ex-girlfriend in general

So yes, pretty common.