How do you deal with fear?

[Ceruleanblue]

I've realized I'm dealing with a lot of fear. It was just fear of BPDh's divorce threats, and that he'd go to his "dark place" again, and sabotage all our/his progress. Now though, after his three day dysregulaion(or whatever it was), I'm actually just scared of him on the whole. He acted in such a cold, calculated, rageful way, that I'm left feeling he could maybe do me bodily harm when he enters this place in his head.

He's apologized, and we've talked about it, trying to figure out why he does this, and what he's thinking when he goes there. He talked to his DBT therapist about it too, and he was watching anger videos, and videos on DBT when I got home last night. Of course, that didn't stop him from getting angry at me twenty minutes later, and blowing up. I'm used to that, of course. It's that cold, scary, all day, calculated, cruel, soulless type rage that scares me.

He's looking for "why" he gets that angry, for the first time ever, I think. Does the "why" really matter though? I'm not sure. If I was having this issue, I might want to know why(in fact, I can't imagine not being in touch with my own emotions), but I think my largest focus would be on self control, and how to deal with it once I got that angry.

Do I need a safe plan? I made a sort of emergency therapy session with my therapist today. I wanted to clue her in to all this(his drunk driving with us in the car), and brainstorm on a plan and boundaries, BEFORE our couples session tonight. I'm scared of mentioning much of those three days in our couples session, for fear of his retaliating when we get home.

I KNOW I need to stop feeling fearful of him, because that's just like feeding the monster, but how do I do that? I'm doing more things for ME, and more self care, but no amount of self care can totally compensate for or make the chaos he creates feel okay. If I just leave when he's in "that place", I'm pretty sure he'll just slip deeper, and not want me to come home. I don't want to "rescue" him, but it's almost like my calm presence eventually reminds him that he loves me(maybe), and he climbs his way out. When I'm gone, he convinced himself he's "better off alone", and how "unfair all this is to me", and he also paints me totally black. When I'm there, he seems to have a harder time doing that, because I try hard not to fuel the fire he has blazing.

Validation has never worked well with him, and I'm really good at validating. Any other ideas of ways I can "not make things worse" when he's like this, although I'm already pretty good at that. Or maybe I just need to come up with a plan that is not based on any codependency, and is good for ME, and still have a chance of a good outcome for our marriage.

I need to fight this fear, and the dread that is now there when I know I'm going to have to be around him.

[Sunfl0wer]

 

Do I need a safe plan? I made a sort of emergency therapy session with my therapist today. I wanted to clue her in to all this(his drunk driving with us in the car), and brainstorm on a plan and boundaries, BEFORE our couples session tonight. I'm scared of mentioning much of those three days in our couples session, for fear of his retaliating when we get home.

I KNOW I need to stop feeling fearful of him, because that's just like feeding the monster, but how do I do that? I'm doing more things for ME, and more self care, but no amount of self care can totally compensate for or make the chaos he creates feel okay. If I just leave when he's in "that place", I'm pretty sure he'll just slip deeper, and not want me to come home. I don't want to "rescue" him, but it's almost like my calm presence eventually reminds him that he loves me(maybe), and he climbs his way out. When I'm gone, he convinced himself he's "better off alone", and how "unfair all this is to me", and he also paints me totally black. When I'm there, he seems to have a harder time doing that, because I try hard not to fuel the fire he has blazing.

Yes, you do need a Safety Plan.

Maybe if you try to think of creating a plan similar to a person who takes up a martial arts training.  You do not have to wait to be bullied or attacked to make yourself prepared, equip yourself with tools.  Most people who attend classes report greater confidence in general and especially in the event if they are attacked.

[ct21218]

CB, I agree that you need a safety plan.  It seems that your husband's behavior has been escalating.  Can you keep a bag with clothes and any necessities in your car?  I would also recommend keeping your phone and keys with you as much as possible.  Could you go to your parents' house in an emergency?

[Notwendy]

Fear isn't something we need to fight ( I am not talking about phobias and anxiety- in medical conditions).

Fear is an emotion and a necessary one. Fear is what keeps us safe. If we didn't feel fear, we wouldn't run from a bear, or we would do reckless things.

Fear keeps us alive.

The way to deal with fear is to see it, own it ,feel it. It is telling us something.

Then there is fear connected to co-dependency. This is the fear that can hold us back, keep us stuck. It is the fear of things we can not control, but we act on them, because we think we can.

Everyday we decide to override some fear. If we acted on all our fears, we would probably not leave the house. But we calculate risks and try to make the best decision.  If a bear was chasing us, we'd say- this is important fear, run like heck. But fear can keep us from taking those risks that could possibly benefit us in the long run. We might fear applying for that job, or speaking to someone. Still, we don't fight the fear, we just decide that what we fear may or may not happen- we can't control the outcome and the risk is worth it. The risk of rejection is different than the risk of sticking your arm in a cage of hungry bears.

When it comes to your H , you have several fears. Some are fears to pay attention to. Some are fears of things he might do, and you fear the outcome. The problem with these fears is that you are acting on them to control what he might do. You are even possibly putting aside your own well being in order to have some control over him. Whenever we choose to act on fear in order to control the actions of another person, we are being co-dependent. Running away from the bear doesn't attempt to change what the bear will do. The motive there is to protect you.

A fear that is "you" centered:

I am afraid to get into a car with a drunk driver ( this could be anyone ,as no drunk driver is safe).

Fears that are focused on controlling what your H will do:

If I remove myself from him when he is raging at me- then he will go to his dark place and decide to leave me

I can't call 911 because he will threaten ( or will ) divorce me.

From what I can see is that you have many fears. I think the best person to explore them with is your T. But knowing them, owning them and not trying to fight them is the first step.

[Daniell85]

Your husband is gradually escalating over time. Your fear is telling you to get out of there. It's simple self preservation. Right now you seem to be caught  between the fear of him divorcing you and your fear he is physically going to harm you. He has already demonstrated  he will physically harm you ( during sex). The lack of empathy would lead a person to the conclusion he really wouldn't feel bad about hurting you elsewhere.

You are being abused. It's natural to feel afraid of what may happen next.

You deal with the fear by getting to a safe place physically. You deal with the emotional fear by getting yourself to a safe place there, too.

What would make you feel safe right now?

[Ceruleanblue]

Well, had my session with my therapist, and I took my Mom along. I thought it was good she be in on things, and also give a different perspective, as she's the one witnessing my interaction with my kids, and BPDh used to call her to "intervene" when he was mad at me.

I feel I do know my fears, I am totally owning them, but I don't want them to control me either. I want to make healthy choices, not choices based off just fears, unfounded or not. I know that fear is healthy when you don't let it get out of proportion to the situation.

I do not feel I have control, nor do I want to control anyone but ME. Controlling others, would just feel icky to me. I tried to even let my kids make their own choices, but I'd try to guide them to make a wise choice. When they didn't, it was up to them to learn from it or not. I only want to control ME, and I've let that slip sometimes by letting fear control me.

It might not just be fear, but also just trying to avoid conflict, in hopes of having more peace. I think it's some of both.

I don't feel unsafe with BPDh right now, but I can't forget how scary he acted for three days. I addressed this with my therapist, and we came up with some ways to protect ME. Things I can control: Always have money on me(I always do), don't get out of the car when he orders me to, and to have a safe plan or somewhere to go should I feel unsafe.

I don't feel in imminent danger right now, because he seems to have phased out of his dysregulation, but I know he could go right back in, and I don't know why this time he dysregulated in such a very different manner. I feel like someone in a bunker, and bombing could start at any moment. It's almost surreal.

It could be weeks or an hour before he does it again. Living with that uncertainty is weird. I hate to be negative, but I realize it's likely going to happen at some point, short of him actually using his DBT skills, and making an effort towards self control.

I can't base MY life of that. I have to do what I need to do to feel safe. I think my therapist wants to address all this in marriage therapy tonight. I told her I didn't feel safe bringing the issue up, and my session with her today was about ME and what I need to do. I feel somewhat better having a plan, but a lot of that, were already things I'm doing.

Also, she seems to want to see what BPDh's feelings and interpretations were about during this time he acted this way. I get that, but part of me says, no matter how he justifies it, or interpreted things, or felt triggered, it doesn't justify the intensity of rage, and I just don't deserve that.

I'm really reading up on co dependence, and trying to make choices based on ME, not on him and how he'll react. It's hard, but I think I can get there.

[Notwendy]

I think addressing co-dependency issues and fears takes consistent work- with a T or sponsor in a 12 step group. Books, friendly advice, is not sufficient. This info on this board is only as effective to the extent it is considered, but I don't think it can take the place of T when that is needed.

[KateCat]

Fears of homelessness? Fears of homelessness of one's teenage child and one's adult child? Fears of all three having to move back in with one's parents? Fears of other living arrangements than this one?

Fears of having to interview for jobs and/or make a choice of career direction and enroll in community college?

Do any of these tough things need to be part of the dialogue with a therapist? Or part of a fearless personal inventory? It's got to be really tough for a woman to choose to exit a situation of some financial comfort and stare down the cold unknown. Would contingency planning for this type of stuff be just as important as making a basic Safety Plan?

[waverider]

Is it fear of him, or fear of your own ability to put your safety first?

Is it fear you might be misreading redflags?

It could be you don't trust your own judgement of taking acceptance past the point of validity.

Are you trying to validate the invalid within yourself out of guilt for believing you can cope with more than you can?

How real is the danger is the most important thing to clarify.

[flourdust]

My experience has been that fear is about consequences of our choices or actions, and gaining power over fear is when we explore what those consequences would really mean.

A few examples... .

Fear: I'm afraid of spiders. There's a spider in the bathroom. I don't want to approach it because of my fear.

Consequence of my Unexplored Fear: I don't use my own bathroom. This is highly inconvenient.

Exploring the Fear: What can the spider actually do to me? Is it worse than not using my bathroom? The truth is that the spider can't really hurt me. It may make me squeamish, but I could choose to ignore it and use the bathroom, or I could kill it and then use the bathroom. The fear is disproportionate to the consequence.

-----

Fear: I am afraid of my wife raging at me. I can ask her to stop or leave the room, but she might continue or might follow me.

Consequence of my Unexplored Fear: I have a lot of anxiety around my wife. I experience this as both mental and physical stress. It's not good for my health. I might walk on eggshells to try to prevent a rage.

Exploring the Fear: The raging is just words -- very unpleasant and very loud words. It's not physical violence, but it does create a stressful environment. I make a plan to be able to leave the environment by having a "go bag" in my car. My stress and anxiety are somewhat reduced because I have my escape plan if the raging becomes intolerable.

[waverider]

My experience has been that fear is about consequences of our choices or actions, and gaining power over fear is when we explore what those consequences would really mean.

A few examples... .

Fear: I'm afraid of spiders. There's a spider in the bathroom. I don't want to approach it because of my fear.

Consequence of my Unexplored Fear: I don't use my own bathroom. This is highly inconvenient.

Exploring the Fear: What can the spider actually do to me? Is it worse than not using my bathroom? The truth is that the spider can't really hurt me. It may make me squeamish, but I could choose to ignore it and use the bathroom, or I could kill it and then use the bathroom. The fear is disproportionate to the consequence.

-----

Fear: I am afraid of my wife raging at me. I can ask her to stop or leave the room, but she might continue or might follow me.

Consequence of my Unexplored Fear: I have a lot of anxiety around my wife. I experience this as both mental and physical stress. It's not good for my health. I might walk on eggshells to try to prevent a rage.

Exploring the Fear: The raging is just words -- very unpleasant and very loud words. It's not physical violence, but it does create a stressful environment. I make a plan to be able to leave the environment by having a "go bag" in my car. My stress and anxiety are somewhat reduced because I have my escape plan if the raging becomes intolerable.

A good example of Distress Intolerance and the principles of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)

ie fear of the fear creates a bigger issue than the triggering issue on its own can cause. Anxiety is a snowballing emotion. hence we need a cold evaluation of the real issue before we can decide how best to approach it.  Blindly ignoring a fear can cause as much problem as over amplifying it