Simple Question

[sebastian.l]

How can i ask back equal shares from my BPD girl, what I invested in our relationship or credit I gave her for acting out?

I have the feeling the slightest misstep I would do, she would disappear immediately. Generally, how do i ask a BPD to 'GIVE'? maybe I am just communicating my demand in a very dysfunctional way.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

How can i ask back equal shares from my BPD girl, what I invested in our relationship or credit I gave her for acting out?

I have the feeling the slightest misstep I would do, she would disappear immediately. Generally, how do i ask a BPD to 'GIVE'? maybe I am just communicating my demand in a very dysfunctional way.

This is a bit hard to do, not impossible.  I would consider it a more "advanced" thing to try. 

Look in the lessons for DEARMAN.  It's a communications style/tool.  Please don't try it yet.  Read about it and try some of the more basic tools fist.

One step at a time.

What, specifically, are you looking for?

FF

[sebastian.l]

I am constantly the one who spends a fortune traveling to see her and keep the relationship going. Lately, I even gave in to drive to her place after she broke the trust of our relationship. She begged me to come, because I am the one with flexible working and more money. So I went... .

Now, I want to ask her this same effort/signal back, also to see if she is really willing to do something for the relationship.

[formflier]

 

Ahh, I see.  Ask away.  Plan something at your place and invite her.  If she declines, do the thing at your place and have a good time.

You can ask all you want, just like she can ask you all she wants, but each party has choices. 


I would focus a bit more on reading lessons before trying to implement this.

What lessons have you found most applicable so far?

FF

[sebastian.l]

Ahh... I see.  Ask away.  Plan something at your place and invite her.  If she declines, do the thing at your place and have a good time.

You can ask all you want, just like she can ask you all she wants... .but each party has choices.  


I would focus a bit more on reading lessons before trying to implement this.

What lessons have you found most applicable so far?

FF

Thanks FF, I will read into the lessons. Her 'choice' was just to dump the relationship and tell me 'she needs to time to figure out her confusion by herself and try to get her happiness back'. And she can't come because 'I am expecting much from her'. Well, so much about equal shares... .

some weeks later she jumped into a new relationship thats a complete new 'white paper' without piled up burdens. Since then I only get the message that she found her happiness back and that's it... .well, I can accept this, just the fast switch of her mindset is confusing.

[formflier]

 

Sebastian.l

 

Can you refresh me on how long you were in this r/s?

Hang in there man, life will continue.  Life will get better.

If I can offer you a big piece of advice about pwBPD, and people in general.  When they tell you that they need space to figure things out, please believe them.

FF

[sebastian.l]

If I can offer you a big piece of advice about pwBPD... .and people in general.  When they tell you that they need space to figure things out... .please believe them.

FF

I was with the girl for 1,5 years. The background was that she begged me to catch a plane to her place and give her the chance to explain her 'cheating' with another guy. I went and was willing to give this chance.

The outcome was the sentence posted above which I, of course, didn't expect. I gave her all space possible. Her asking for time alone seemed to me like 'keeping me warm' but not commit to the mutual give/take and 'boundaries' of a r/s.

Some other time before she told me 'I would have to keep her close, otherwise she will fears to be too far away one day and just gone'. That's confusing, it's a paradox, how should I keep somebody close and the same time give them time alone away from the r/s? It's this push/pull that totally confuses my mind.

[an0ught]

Hi  sebastian.l,

her communication is confusing. You need to understand that she is living in the moment. What is true now has not so much to do with what is true tomorrow. Consider it a limitation of your brain not to be able to hold opposite views at the same time   and take a further step back and look at frequency of black and white. When black learn about black. When white learn about white. Strike Grey from your vocabulary - it is overrated.

Making lasting decisions based on her words is risk. This is true for giving her space as it is true for being very close. Figuring out a way to know what she really needs at a point in time requires developing a better sense of how she feels and how she expresses these feelings. This will be difficult as long as you insist that words mean something fixed. It may be true or it may not be. Maybe her tone of voice tells you to hold her while the words are leave me or the other way around.

Build communication skills: Validation

Learn about boundaries: Limits for what you do (her extreme ways tempt you to overreact)

You find pointers to workshops in the LESSONS.

[sebastian.l]

black learn about black. This is the hardest lesson. Her black cycle was basically always the same pattern: I go away - she suffers a lot of pain, also physical like belly cramps - feels it hurts me - consequently build up a wall - push me away - away

with more intimacy and the further the relationship grew, it got worse. Also the pushing, deleting my picture off her phone till in the end creating distance by jumping on other guys. I really don't know a lesson that can learn me to deal with this or even make it stop or help her stop it.

I realized she built up a lot of shame, what even made it more impossible for her to be with me. Until the day when she decided there's too much between us to continue and she hates the way she behaves in this relationship. The fact that we developed into a long distance r/s contributed to that cycle. I would have really liked to stop the pain for her, but hard if she builds it up by her actions, she regrets the next day.