My BPD mother withholds my sister from me.

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have been doing researches for a while and i found out that my mother has bordeline personality disorder. i´m 21 years old, married and a future mother to a baby boy and i want to get help to deal with this situation.

I have tons of stories of my mother´s behavior, but i don´t want to go on and on about everything she has ever done to me, i´m still trying to understand and mostly to not feel guilty for setting boundaries with her. At first i just thought that she was just mean, but now that i have read this articles and talked to other daughters of BPD made me actually believe that she has this disorder.

My husband and in-laws have experienced relationship with BPD and they support me, and i have set boundaries with my mother and even had to blocked her number because she was driving me insane and i was under extreme stress because of the things she does and says, but that haven´t worked she still managed to get back to me and email me and i don´t want to be mean and tell her that i don´t want her to email me or call me anymore since she refuses to get help, but i can´t have her in my life anymore, she´s hurting me and i know how to stop her but it´s a fight between my mind and my heart, my mind is telling me that i need to stop this , is enough , but my heart is like you can take more , she´s not that bad , maybe i´m wrong or maybe i´m the one with a problem and

i´m scared of being weak, this is not the first time i set boundaries with her, but she always manage to manipulate me, and every time i believe she´s changing or at least trying she ends up hurting me and sabotaging my life.

This time i tried to not get back on her game and just block her and not have contact with her, avoiding being to hard on her and then feeling guilty, but she got back to me, provoking me and i´m fighting with the " go tell her it´s over " and no you´re going to hurt her.

[sheishei]

I have been doing researches for a while and i found out that my mother has bordeline personality disorder. i´m 21 years old, married and a future mother to a baby boy and i want to get help to deal with this situation.

I have tons of stories of my mother´s behavior, but i don´t want to go on and on about everything she has ever done to me, i´m still trying to understand and mostly to not feel guilty for setting boundaries with her. At first i just thought that she was just mean, but now that i have read this articles and talked to other daughters of BPD made me actually believe that she has this disorder.

My husband and in-laws have experienced relationship with BPD and they support me, and i have set boundaries with my mother and even had to blocked her number because she was driving me insane and i was under extreme stress because of the things she does and says, but that haven´t worked she still managed to get back to me and email me and i don´t want to be mean and tell her that i don´t want her to email me or call me anymore since she refuses to get help, but i can´t have her in my life anymore, she´s hurting me and i know how to stop her but it´s a fight between my mind and my heart, my mind is telling me that i need to stop this , is enough , but my heart is like you can take more , she´s not that bad , maybe i´m wrong or maybe i´m the one with a problem and

i´m scared of being weak, this is not the first time i set boundaries with her, but she always manage to manipulate me, and every time i believe she´s changing or at least trying she ends up hurting me and sabotaging my life.

This time i tried to not get back on her game and just block her and not have contact with her, avoiding being to hard on her and then feeling guilty, but she got back to me, provoking me and i´m fighting with the " go tell her it´s over " and no you´re going to hurt her.

[Kwamina]

Hi sheishei

You've come to the realization that your mother quite possibly has BPD. This can be a difficult realization but at least you now do have a better understanding of what's likely going on with your mother.

You have set boundaries with her but she still has managed to reach you. You mention getting e-mails from her. There are certain techniques that can be very helpful for dealing with hostile written communications. One of them is the B.I.F.F. technique, here is a link to more information about it:

Responding to hostile communications: B.I.F.F. (Brief, Informative, Friendly (as in civil), Firm)

It is very unfortunate that your mother refuses to seek help. Do you feel like she in any way has ever acknowledged that there might be wrong with her behavior?

I am glad you have the support of your husband and in-laws

[isilme]

Hi there.  Both of my parents have PDs, and I am afraid I need to stay NC with both of them to stay sane.  I know NC won't work for everyone, but setting boundaries is not mean.  She will say it is, but she is using disordered thinking, so you can let go of the "mean" accusations.

She may never improve or change, but you can improve yourself   You can experiment with ways to stay in touch that don't drag you back into fear, guilt or obligation.  There is a book, "Understanding the Borderline Mother" a lot have read on here.  I have not, but have read the archetypes, and it might be a good thing to look at.  Also, posting here is a good, as people on here will not call you mean or attack you for being honest about your feelings. 

[sheishei]

I realized my mother had BPD not too long ago , i would say about 6 months ago, i always knew that there was something wrong with her, but i never knew exactly what it was. I feel like i saved my life on the last chance, my mom was sucking the life out of me, she was drawing me emotionally, but that is a long story, i knew i had to get away from her but even after i married and moved thousands of miles away from her she would still cause me so much emotional distress, it´s been a hard battle to set boundaries with her, that was just not possible in any ways. after i found this site my first post was called " i need help " and i really needed it, i never came back to thank the people that supported me through their comments and i want to do so now, i have done what i can so far to have a healthier life with my family and my unborn son, i read the book " understanding the borderline mother " and it helped me undertand, remember so many things and i decided to stay away from her since i have beg her soo many times to get help , she wont but she throws every emotional stone to get back to me , to get my attention and honestly it wont be so hard to block her entirely if it wasn´t because i have a 6 year old sister, and i love her more than words can describe, my mom knows i care for my sister and knows that she´s the only reason why i haven´t disappear from her , she emails me , saying how much my sister misses me and that she always asks when i´m coming back and the last time i wasn´t going to give into her manipulation so i said okay, we can set up a schedule so i can call my sister once a week at the same time , the same day of the week and talk to her for a little while, and she withholds her from me , she says that´s not possible and that she don´t want "half relationships" , but she still writes me saying that my sister misses me and that she wants to know from me, but then she wont let her talk to me. this is not the first time she would do this, when i first decided to cut her off for a while , until i had my mind clear , this was when i first realized that i needed distance from her, she used the same trick , she would say that my sister missed me, so i would get on skype and try to see my sister , so i would stay on skype for an hour , listening to her b___ing about everyone in exchange of 2 min saying hi to my sister and then i won´t see her on the screen again.

I called social services , telling them about my experiences with my mother , of her emotional and physical abuse and that my sister is at total risk of that happening to her too and they did nothing. i told them about her irresponsibility putting my sister in danger and they did nothing, i honestly don´t know what to do , i told her that i got a restraining order on her , which is a lie , i did´t hoping that she would stop harassing my email , but she doesn´t even care about that, i told her that i would take it off once she seeks treatment but she wont, and the ony thing i think is if i cut her off totally i will never know of my sister again and that is the hardest for me, specially leaving her with that demon, capable of using her own child to manipulate other people.

if someone have been in this situation, please i would like to know what you did.

[ijustwantpeace]

I can't imagine how hard this must be for you.  I have a similar situation my my mother who is a loose cannon destroying everyone's life around her, but it is not her fault.  No she won't get treatment.  Loves to say horrible things about everyone and just tear me down.

A few weeks ago I thought I was having a heart attack.  Even the thought of her would give me chest pain.  Lucky for me a male nurse told me about Magnesium and I have been taking that 2 times a day for the last week and that has reduced the chest pain and emotional pain by about 95%.

I thought I was going to have to get mom locked up or have years of intensive therapy myself when the real problem was I fully depleted and 250mg of Magnesium in the morning and at night is helping me to function again.

I have a niece and nephew I would like to see and am still trying to figure out how to have a relationship with them mom-free.  It breaks my heart hear a 6 year old has to go through this insanity.

In the short term get double rest, recharge your batteries and then figure out the next step.  That is what I am doing and so far it is working.

[sheishei]

Hi there Ijustwant peace i think i came across your post a few days back. it´s really hard when there are childrens involved , specially when they are being used to manipulate the family members. I had to make the hardest decision that i´ve probably made so far in my short life, to accept that there´s nothing i can do, or that i haven´t done yet and i have to come to peace with myself. i think you can breathe a little deeper knowing that if it´s the grandma it wont have as much effect as it had on you , see my grandmother also has BPD, and she´s hell, just like my mother, but the attachment with a grandparent is different, even when i was little i had rejection for my grandmother, i never wanted to visit her house, the person here who needs the most help is you , she´s your mother and the bond is stronger for lots facts, for me it hasn´t been easy to make this decision, unfortunately for me there´s no way i can see my sister without my mother involved , she´s only six, so i guess i can only wait until she gets older and wants to get away on her own. but you can set up meeting with your brother, just try to keep it casual , if your mother is involved , make up a excuse , but don´t let her in your life, my mother has done the same things to me, i the best decision i´ve made it´s to block her completely, i know how hard it is, it´s taken me a long time to realize that that´s the only way to my freedom, if she´s around i drown.

you shouldn´t need to get medication, that can have other consequences for you and is it worth it, my mother loves to see me in misery, is the only moment where the world lights up for her , when she sees other suffering, and so does your mother, remember that those reactions she´s trying to trigger on you that you feel i don´t want to say this, i want to stop this , she wants you to continue and as long as she gets that answer from you she will never stop , when you start ignoring her she will use everything she can, she will go from insulting you , to talk like that never happened, but the moment yo get back to her, you are doing it all over again, i have been there , many times, this time for good i deleted all kind of information she had of me , luckily i´m moving and she wont even have my address, how cool is that.

i hope you stay safe, if you need to talk more you can let know.

[khibomsis]

Thanks ijwp for the tip about magnesium! I tried it and it really worked. Made a world of difference to my chestpains sheishei, if you don't hold it together there is nothing you can do for your sister. Take care of yourself first, most especially if you are about to become a mother. Your mom is going to emotionally blackmail you about your sister because there is nothing else she can do to you. She knows your weakness. If you need to go NC for a while then that is what you do. I went NC twice in my life, three to four years each time. As I grew stronger I learnt to keep a low to medium chill, giving the kids a chance to get to know me and catching them when they lit out of the house as soon as they could, just like I did. Have a couple of times waited for a kid to turn eighteen and counted the years off one, by one. It works, in a way. You will find your own solution with time. Just make sure you never FOG for taking care of yourself. It is your first obligation is to your own physical and mental health. Once you know sanity you will never go back   

[ijustwantpeace]

khibomsis,

Super glad to hear that the magnesium helped for your chest pains.  I don't think everyone needs it but if your someone who is having symptoms ie. muscle cramps, chest pains, eye twitching, constipation, or chronic anxiety it might be a good idea. 

I wonder how many people could be helped by magnesium? There is some 2 million videos on youtube.com on anxiety and another on 200,000 on panic attacks I beat magnesium would help alot of those people.

The scary part is that some 80% of the population is deficient, and when people get deficient to the point of heart pain I'd imagine that their could be some bad side effects.  Look at police shooting maybe they should give magnesium out to cops.  When I get pulled over I want a nice chill police officer.

With all the stress today making sure you are healthy and have proper vitamins and minerals like magnesium is job #1 IMO.  I feel so much calmer now that I am free of pain.  I now know that mom is not causing the chest pain it is mineral deficiency.  I am I going to stay far from mom heck yes!  Having choices and being able to think clearly is like a weight has been lifted, and I am grateful for that.