Texts from an obviously emotionally wounded person, what is a helpful response?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So, many on here will remember the grand buggy caper where I offered a refund to a lady on craigslist in exchange for an apology.  It was an interesting exchange.  Well, we have a lot of items for sale on craigslist and I have come across another "wounded person".  As of yet I haven't responded.  Part of the reason for no response now is she didn't ask for anything and the other part of the reason is that I would like to be deliberate in considering my response as being in someway uplifting or helpful to her.  There is also a bit of exercise here on me trying to be a better validater in life.

  (If you guys remember, I was raised in a family that complimented and praised achievement.  I wouldn't say we invalidated each other feelings, but we definitely didn't validate)


Note:  I meet people at a parking lot for privacy reasons and to be in public space.  I don't know what "large sign" she is talking about, there are several that I can think of and I didn't see her.   So I went to where I had told her I would be.

I'll start out with the juicy part of the text.  Then I will put in the stuff leading up to that.  Basically I had a table listed for $20, she offered me $10 via text and I accepted.  Really just wanted it out of our way.  I had texted her that I would meet under a lightpole with a certain letter on it in a parking lot of a major store.  That's where I meet all my c list people.  She showed up, got out of a small older pickup, walked with a hunch, was obvious about avoiding eye contact.  Legs were off the table and hardware was in a bag taped to a leg.  I showed her the leg, pointed to the bag and said the hardware is in there.  She didn't respond.  There was some discussion about condition of the table, scratches and such.  When she said she would take it I helped her put it in the back of the truck after asking her and she said yes she would like help.  As I was putting in the legs the bag of hardware fell off.  She reached down and picked it up.  I said "Remember, that's the important stuff, don't want to loose that, "   I didn't pay attention after that.  She handed me the $10 and I left.

She claims she put it in my van. 

(note:  I "name" people in my google something funny so it helps me remember.  At first I didn't think I would accept her offer.  I had no idea I was texting a lady until she showed up).

Last text I got from her.

table 10 bucks nope: You're not going to find them in the parking lot because for one thing, you're not going to go look, and for another, they're in your van. I believe you're just too busy and don't really want to deal with it especially since you had to come down in price, which I did appreciate until I saw the condition of it and how heavy it was. You drove right next to me in the parking lot not paying any attention to where I said I was and just expected me to come find you. Sorry for the rant but it's frustrating dealing with folks from Craigslist that aren't conscientious of other peoples efforts. I think it's the sellers responsibility to give the buyer all the pieces that go with whatever it is they're buying. I was lucky enough to find nuts that fit from my husband's shop but it was a huge inconvenience for me and your only inconvenience is reading this rant, rant over. I hope you have a nice day even though I was almost brought to tears, 4:10 PM

(start of text exchange)

table 10 bucks nope: Yes, I'd like to get it assuming it works well, Is it good and sturdy once the legs are attached? I was wondering about it being wobbly 9:04 AM

Me: Solid 9:12 AM

table 10 bucks nope: What time works for you? 9:47 AM

Me: I am open today, when do u want to? 9:56 AM

table 10 bucks nope: You're located by Meijer, right? I could meet you soon, 12:28 PM

Me: ok, will be backin about 30 minutes 12:40 PM

Me: where r u. I have table with me in the van. 12:40 PM

Me: I am close to home depot in (I name the city), close to (name landmark) 12:41 PM

table 10 bucks nope: Would you be able to meet me at Payless by the Mall? 12:43 PM

Me: When? Maybe 12:45 PM

table 10 bucks nope: Would 2:30 work for you? 12:51 PM

Me: Doubtful, will c 12:53 PM

table 10 bucks nope: I can come to home depo if that'd be better 12:54 PM

Me: I am just about to head back towards meijer, have a bit of a project going at home. That is what is driving my sched 12:57 PM

table 10 bucks nope: Where and when? I'm coming into town now, it'll be 20 mins at least 1:00 PM

Me: Plan on meijer. Text when 5 min out will meet at light pole d 1:02 PM

table 10 bucks nope: Ok 1:02 PM

table 10 bucks nope: I should be there in 5 min, what r u driving, I'm in a white utility truck 1:33 PM

Me: I am in a dark blue 15 pax van. Will be rolling in 1 min 1:35 PM

table 10 bucks nope: Me too 1:35 PM

Me: 1:36 PM

table 10 bucks nope: I'm right by the large sign 1:36 PM

table 10 bucks nope: On veterans memorial 1:37 PM

Me: Here, c u soon 1:40 PM

table 10 bucks nope: Yeah I'm over by the large sign 1:40 PM

Me: Under the D 1:42 PM

Me: On pole 1:42 PM

table 10 bucks nope: Oh no! What about the nuts for the legs? 2:21 PM

Me: The little bag that u picked up. Was attached to leg 2:22 PM

table 10 bucks nope: : \ 2:23 PM

table 10 bucks nope: I had no idea, something fell from your van and I was just picking it up for you, looked like trash to me, 2:25 PM

Me: Bummer, where did u put it? 2:26 PM

table 10 bucks nope: In your van 2:26 PM

Me: I will go look 2:27 PM

Me: Didn't c it, will b back in parking lot later today, will search 4 it 2:32 PM

table 10 bucks nope: The best place to keep nuts is always on the bolts if possible, what a bummer 2:34 PM

table 10 bucks nope: You're not going to find them in the parking lot because for one thing, you're not going to go look, and for another, they're in your van. I believe you're just too busy and don't really want to deal with it especially since you had to come down in price, which I did appreciate until I saw the condition of it and how heavy it was. You drove right next to me in the parking lot not paying any attention to where I said I was and just expected me to come find you. Sorry for the rant but it's frustrating dealing with folks from Craigslist that aren't conscientious of other peoples efforts. I think it's the sellers responsibility to give the buyer all the pieces that go with whatever it is they're buying. I was lucky enough to find nuts that fit from my husband's shop but it was a huge inconvenience for me and your only inconvenience is reading this rant, rant over. I hope you have a nice day even though I was almost brought to tears, 4:10 PM

And that is the end of it.


Thoughts?

FF

[formflier]

So, many on here will remember the grand buggy caper where I offered a refund to a lady on craigslist in exchange for an apology.  It was an interesting exchange.  Well, we have a lot of items for sale on craigslist and I have come across another "wounded person".  As of yet I haven't responded.  Part of the reason for no response now is she didn't ask for anything and the other part of the reason is that I would like to be deliberate in considering my response as being in someway uplifting or helpful to her.  There is also a bit of exercise here on me trying to be a better validater in life.

  (If you guys remember, I was raised in a family that complimented and praised achievement.  I wouldn't say we invalidated each other feelings, but we definitely didn't validate)


Note:  I meet people at a parking lot for privacy reasons and to be in public space.  I don't know what "large sign" she is talking about, there are several that I can think of and I didn't see her.   So I went to where I had told her I would be.

I'll start out with the juicy part of the text.  Then I will put in the stuff leading up to that.  Basically I had a table listed for $20, she offered me $10 via text and I accepted.  Really just wanted it out of our way.  I had texted her that I would meet under a lightpole with a certain letter on it in a parking lot of a major store.  That's where I meet all my c list people.  She showed up, got out of a small older pickup, walked with a hunch, was obvious about avoiding eye contact.  Legs were off the table and hardware was in a bag taped to a leg.  I showed her the leg, pointed to the bag and said the hardware is in there.  She didn't respond.  There was some discussion about condition of the table, scratches and such.  When she said she would take it I helped her put it in the back of the truck after asking her and she said yes she would like help.  As I was putting in the legs the bag of hardware fell off.  She reached down and picked it up.  I said "Remember, that's the important stuff, don't want to loose that, "   I didn't pay attention after that.  She handed me the $10 and I left.

She claims she put it in my van. 

(note:  I "name" people in my google something funny so it helps me remember.  At first I didn't think I would accept her offer.  I had no idea I was texting a lady until she showed up).

Last text I got from her.

table 10 bucks nope: You're not going to find them in the parking lot because for one thing, you're not going to go look, and for another, they're in your van. I believe you're just too busy and don't really want to deal with it especially since you had to come down in price, which I did appreciate until I saw the condition of it and how heavy it was. You drove right next to me in the parking lot not paying any attention to where I said I was and just expected me to come find you. Sorry for the rant but it's frustrating dealing with folks from Craigslist that aren't conscientious of other peoples efforts. I think it's the sellers responsibility to give the buyer all the pieces that go with whatever it is they're buying. I was lucky enough to find nuts that fit from my husband's shop but it was a huge inconvenience for me and your only inconvenience is reading this rant, rant over. I hope you have a nice day even though I was almost brought to tears, 4:10 PM

(start of text exchange)

table 10 bucks nope: Yes, I'd like to get it assuming it works well, Is it good and sturdy once the legs are attached? I was wondering about it being wobbly 9:04 AM

Me: Solid 9:12 AM

table 10 bucks nope: What time works for you? 9:47 AM

Me: I am open today, when do u want to? 9:56 AM

table 10 bucks nope: You're located by Meijer, right? I could meet you soon, 12:28 PM

Me: ok, will be backin about 30 minutes 12:40 PM

Me: where r u. I have table with me in the van. 12:40 PM

Me: I am close to home depot in (I name the city), close to (name landmark) 12:41 PM

table 10 bucks nope: Would you be able to meet me at Payless by the Mall? 12:43 PM

Me: When? Maybe 12:45 PM

table 10 bucks nope: Would 2:30 work for you? 12:51 PM

Me: Doubtful, will c 12:53 PM

table 10 bucks nope: I can come to home depo if that'd be better 12:54 PM

Me: I am just about to head back towards meijer, have a bit of a project going at home. That is what is driving my sched 12:57 PM

table 10 bucks nope: Where and when? I'm coming into town now, it'll be 20 mins at least 1:00 PM

Me: Plan on meijer. Text when 5 min out will meet at light pole d 1:02 PM

table 10 bucks nope: Ok 1:02 PM

table 10 bucks nope: I should be there in 5 min, what r u driving, I'm in a white utility truck 1:33 PM

Me: I am in a dark blue 15 pax van. Will be rolling in 1 min 1:35 PM

table 10 bucks nope: Me too 1:35 PM

Me: 1:36 PM

table 10 bucks nope: I'm right by the large sign 1:36 PM

table 10 bucks nope: On veterans memorial 1:37 PM

Me: Here, c u soon 1:40 PM

table 10 bucks nope: Yeah I'm over by the large sign 1:40 PM

Me: Under the D 1:42 PM

Me: On pole 1:42 PM

table 10 bucks nope: Oh no! What about the nuts for the legs? 2:21 PM

Me: The little bag that u picked up. Was attached to leg 2:22 PM

table 10 bucks nope: : \ 2:23 PM

table 10 bucks nope: I had no idea, something fell from your van and I was just picking it up for you, looked like trash to me, 2:25 PM

Me: Bummer, where did u put it? 2:26 PM

table 10 bucks nope: In your van 2:26 PM

Me: I will go look 2:27 PM

Me: Didn't c it, will b back in parking lot later today, will search 4 it 2:32 PM

table 10 bucks nope: The best place to keep nuts is always on the bolts if possible, what a bummer 2:34 PM

table 10 bucks nope: You're not going to find them in the parking lot because for one thing, you're not going to go look, and for another, they're in your van. I believe you're just too busy and don't really want to deal with it especially since you had to come down in price, which I did appreciate until I saw the condition of it and how heavy it was. You drove right next to me in the parking lot not paying any attention to where I said I was and just expected me to come find you. Sorry for the rant but it's frustrating dealing with folks from Craigslist that aren't conscientious of other peoples efforts. I think it's the sellers responsibility to give the buyer all the pieces that go with whatever it is they're buying. I was lucky enough to find nuts that fit from my husband's shop but it was a huge inconvenience for me and your only inconvenience is reading this rant, rant over. I hope you have a nice day even though I was almost brought to tears, 4:10 PM

And that is the end of it.


Thoughts?

FF

[Chilibean13]

I would say something like, "I have checked the van and parking lot. They were not there. Perhaps they are in your vehicle. I do not have them anymore. Thank you for purchasing them. Glad you were able to find some pieces that worked. Thank you for your purchase. Have a good day." And then never respond again. You did your part. She is a stranger. No need to "fix" it. You did what you could.

[Fian]

I would probably not respond.  You put in effort for a $10 sale that the lady is obviously not seeing.  You did check when she said she put the bolts back in the van.  If she can't see it, I don't know that you taking the time to explain it more will be successful.  You will probably never speak to this lady again.

But if you do wish to validate anyway, you can agree that it can be frustrating buying things on Craig's List and mention a bad experience you had in the past.  You can then apologize that her experience buying from you was not pleasant and then list all of the steps that you took to try and make the transaction successful.  You can also say that it was good advice to screw the nuts on to the bolt and you will do that in the future.

Anyway, those are my thoughts.

[Notwendy]

FF, I will give you what might be a blunt response. This lady is angry about something, but she doesn't want anything from you. She said it right there, that you reading her rant was worth $10. End of interaction. She doesn't want a response or your validation.

I am a very frugal person. Given the chance to shop the specials in a supermarket, get good quality food and save  $10 by shopping for specials- that is right up my alley, but engaging a difficult stranger and the angst isn't worth a $10 exchange and probably isn't for her. She's done with this.

You've already spent more than $10 of your time and mental energy thinking about it. It has nothing to do with you, your pride, your honor. The lady is pissed over her $10 purchase, she ranted, and she is probably over it, and if not, it isn't your problem.

People get angry at all kinds of things. One example happened to me in a parking lot. Some lady ( not even near my car ) screamed at me because she didn't like the noise when I locked it.  I didn't think I had to respond. My first thought was that this woman is nuts, and this was validated by another person in the parking lot who looked at me, rolled his eyes, and when out of sight of the woman, we both started laughing- that was weird.

Is this woman a wounded soul? Is she crazy? Who the heck knows. Maybe she has cramps, or someone yelled at her, or her candidate lost in Iowa, or a gazillion reasons that are not anything you will ever know.

I would consider the question being for you. Why is this something that you are thinking about? It isn't meant to be critical, but considering why you are bothered about this, and feel some need to validate her could be more informative than wondering about her.

[formflier]

I would consider the question being for you. Why is this something that you are thinking about? It isn't meant to be critical, but considering why you are bothered about this, and feel some need to validate her could be more informative than wondering about her.

Validation is still a new thing to me.  While I am still comfortable with my response to the buggy lady, I will also tell you that I was impressed with the care and wisdom shown in a lot of the suggested responses that others gave to me about the buggy lady. 

It showed an outlook on the world that is somewhat different than the way I approach the world.  This is hard to explain, but I'm a bit fascinated by it and want to understand how people go about that when they connect with people.

I'm convinced that validation and being a more validating person (eventually doing it without thinking) is an area where I have significant personal growth work to do.  I don't think I'm a bad person in this area, but I think I can be a much better person.

Last:  A for instance:  D5 came to me crying the other day because mommy wouldn't let her bring her bike home from Papaaws.  (my FIL).  Years ago I would have searched for details, problem solved, all that. 

Now, I held her.  Did some active listening and confirmed she was sad.  Let her know it was ok to be sad and that I would be there with her while she was sad.  I think we connected there.  Several years ago I probably would have hugged her and then tried to explain how to "get over" being sad.

FF

[Notwendy]

That was great that you held and validated your child.

I'm glad that the feedback on the stroller episode was helpful. I was concerned that you were overly concerned with this woman's text. You have a lot of other things on your plate at the moment, so I was encouraging you to let this one go.

Most of us go about our day, doing the best we can. I think you did here too. I know you weren't intentionally irritating this lady, but she got irritated - that is her choice.

When it comes to children, we have to be the guiding adult, but we're going to interact with numerous people- some of who are just going to get upset at whatever. Some of these, I think we just gotta let go of.

[KateCat]

D5 came to me crying the other day because mommy wouldn't let her bring her bike home from Papaaws.  (my FIL).  Years ago I would have searched for details, problem solved... .all that. 

Now, I held her.  Did some active listening and confirmed she was sad.  Let her know it was ok to be sad and that I would be there with her while she was sad.  I think we connected there.  Several years ago I probably would have hugged her and then tried to explain how to "get over" being sad.

Nice, nice, nice.

Next level = Ebay people / Craigslist people / buggy ladies / table ladies. But don't worry too much about that for now.

[waverider]

I sell stuff on Ebay for part time income. If something is valuable buyers will make a serious effort to resolve an issue, if it is not like wendy says, they will have a single shot dummy spit without much thought or intent to resolve. Her moment came and went, she is done with it.

You are not her Counselor or fixer, you did your bit, something went wrong, who knows what, but its no biggie, move on.

[C.Stein]

Next time you sell something make certain they have everything and that they know they have everything.  This way you can't get sucked into something like the table tantrum.

[waverider]

Next time you sell something make certain they have everything and that they know they have everything.  This way you can't get sucked into something like the table tantrum.

If you sell enough stuff ups happen, disappointments happen. When the two coincide it is human nature to want to blame someone, especially when its not valuable enough to want to put further effort into fixing a problem.

This is just projection of disappointment, even if you still had the missing nuts she probably couldn't have been bothered picking them up. If it had been just the table she was hoping for and you had the nuts she would have been relieved and thought you were great for finding them.

Excuse the pun FF but you are getting bogged down in the "nuts and bolts" of the issue rather than the bigger issue , the item is not what she was hoping for and its put her in a cranky mood.