Good morning.
As many of you know I have been on BPD Family for close to four years now. I joined when my relationship with my ex turned "crazy making" and I couldn't figure out what was happening. I have always been a communicator and I could not communicate with this person. Everything I said was wrong and I was a horrible, abusive person (her words, not mine). I researched "circular arguments", "push-pull", "recycling exes" and eventually found this site.
For four years I have posted, listened and even disappeared for awhile. Sometimes I've wanted to respond to a post but bit my tongue. Sometimes I feverishly read these boards looking for answers, reassurance or some sort of assurance I am not crazy.
When I look at my relationships, specifically with women I have noticed I am the common denominator when it comes to hostile, dramatic unions. I started thinking maybe this is all me, maybe I am nuts. I started looking at my patterns, my past relationships (with both men and women) and I realized this... .
The fact I am even trying to figure this out makes me far from crazy. It makes me AWARE.
I am estranged from my mother, her twin sister and my own biological sister. I have had three friendships abruptly end this year. When I look at the dynamics I can see I was raised in a very BPD filled environment. I attract, and I trigger this personality and specifically those affected with this disorder.
I attract what I have seemingly been accustomed to as "normal". It's not. Growing up in a house with a mother who picked fights before any major life events (she never has attended a graduation for me or any other important event) I learned to not negotiate, to not even try. I learned it was easier to let them b___ and complain... .It would eventually pass. What this did was lower my respect for myself, their respect for me, and I allowed others to emotionally beat me up and berate me. Eventually my low self worth permitted my ex to physically abuse me as well. I became a pin-cushion for A-holes.
Two years ago my best friend (of over 20yrs) dropped out of my life. She is extremely religious and I assumed it was because I was in a same sex union. During those two years I came to terms with it. I grieved our friendship, wished her well (not personally but from my heart) and moved on.
Two years later (this past October) my doorbell rings. It is this friend on my doorstep in tears with a bag in her hand. She asks me if she can come in and eat her dinner... .mind you she picked up dinner... .for herself... .not to share it.
.
I am in pjs and my dog is barking, house a mess. But here is this wounded soul on my porch reaching out. My best friend of over 20yrs. We had no closure other than what I gave myself the past two years and here she is. I let her in... .
again.
So she starts to tell me her mother is dying and literally talks for an hour about all the bad things happening in her life. She is eating a hot dog, crying and to me this is all very surreal.
When she leaves I am not sure what to think. The next day she starts emailing me.
What I start to notice is I am not reaching out at all. I think her having abruptly left my life made me emotionally numb. So everyday she emails me complaining about her life. If I don't respond she starts to text me. All the conversations are about her and how badly people treat her. She is the eternal victim.
This past week I call her out on disappearing. It had bothered me for two years. What I find out is she stopped speaking to me because apparently I compared the death of her week old baby to losing my BPD ex.
I cannot imagine in my life I would EVER make that comparison. She started to scream at me and tell me what a horrible person I am. She proceeded to tell me she did not owe me any apologies as this was about HER baby.
All I did was express my feelings and now I am being told two years later I am a horrible monster... .
after SHE reached out to me.
We ended the call and I did feel bad. I was in a very low place with my ex two years ago and maybe I said something that was misinterpreted. I am only human. I know the death of a baby is nowhere even comparable to my ex cheating on me and leaving.
Two hours later I get a message on FB to please respect her wishes and not "call, text, facebook or email" her. That this is the birthday week of her deceased baby and she hopes I respect that.
So I don't contact her. I am already in shock from her screaming at me. When we were on the phone she let out a very guteral almost primal scream like I was stabbing her. To be honest, it was scary and un-nerving. I found myself trying to calm her and diffuse the situation (as I would do with my ex) and it only made it worse, her blaming me more and more.
So later that day I notice she has unfriended me, my family and pretty much every mutual acquaintance off Facebook. I make the decision something is "off" and I need to move on. Her actions spun me into PTSD symptoms after her call to me so I decide to block her.
This was Tuesday. Wednesday I am off work, nothing, Thursday she starts blowing up my phone. I had 45 missed calls within a two hour period. Then she starts calling my work. She is not leaving messages she is just calling and calling begging me to pick up the phone. I finally text her to stop calling me at work and respect my boundaries. I wish her the best but I do not wish to continue a friendship.
She called me at work for three hours straight. Eventually she FB messaged my boyfriend. He has not read the message.
Clearly there is something horribly wrong with my longtime friend. The lack of boundaries... .she had always been like this but I summed it up to her being "quirky".
For once, in four years I don't feel bad about ending a relationship with someone. I am finally at the place I can tell the difference between normal and irrational, emotionally charged behavior. Did my blocking trigger this? Likely. But I am at the point I am not going to accommodate emotional terrorists. Homeland Security doesn't accommodate terrorists... .why should I allow them into my psyche?
PW
