How do you explain it when people ask?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My stbxh has BPD (although my lawyer and therapist are convinced he's a sociopath) on top of cheating on me... .He moved in with her as well and I'm pretty sure they are engaged. I'm still working through my divorce and hoping we can come up with an agreement that will get this over with and I can forever be unlinked from this man and my family can move on. I'm hopeful all though we did have to file a motion to enforce yesterday. He is not following the court orders and his spending is beyond out of control. I'm stunned at how reckless one can be on top of portraying someone he clearly is not to the new supply. No sense of self... .no original ideas... .revisiting places we've gone together... .I just scratch my head. I truly will never 100% understand the mind of someone with this terrible disorder. Its sad.

I'd like to ask what others say when people ask why your marriage ended. And not to just people that take an interest in you but really to anyone. I find myself not wanting to talk about it because when I hear myself talk out loud about what has transpired not just through our relationship but really all the bizarre chaos, lies, recklessness and story telling he's done coupled with his infidelity just in the last 7 months it just sounds like a really crazy bad life time television movie. I still can't believe it myself, its all so crazy what will others not close to me think? I find myself avoiding anything that might lead down the path of my ex, divorce etc I just don't want to talk about it because I don't want someone to look at me like "seriously" is she for real? I know when I do finally date this is going to be something I have to move past. How do you explain it?

[knowledgeseeker]

My stbxh has BPD (although my lawyer and therapist are convinced he's a sociopath) on top of cheating on me... .He moved in with her as well and I'm pretty sure they are engaged. I'm still working through my divorce and hoping we can come up with an agreement that will get this over with and I can forever be unlinked from this man and my family can move on. I'm hopeful all though we did have to file a motion to enforce yesterday. He is not following the court orders and his spending is beyond out of control. I'm stunned at how reckless one can be on top of portraying someone he clearly is not to the new supply. No sense of self... .no original ideas... .revisiting places we've gone together... .I just scratch my head. I truly will never 100% understand the mind of someone with this terrible disorder. Its sad.

I'd like to ask what others say when people ask why your marriage ended. And not to just people that take an interest in you but really to anyone. I find myself not wanting to talk about it because when I hear myself talk out loud about what has transpired not just through our relationship but really all the bizarre chaos, lies, recklessness and story telling he's done coupled with his infidelity just in the last 7 months it just sounds like a really crazy bad life time television movie. I still can't believe it myself, its all so crazy what will others not close to me think? I find myself avoiding anything that might lead down the path of my ex, divorce etc I just don't want to talk about it because I don't want someone to look at me like "seriously" is she for real? I know when I do finally date this is going to be something I have to move past. How do you explain it?

[scraps66]

"It didn't work out, it wasn't healthy, etc," speak in generalities.  My ex and I are polar opposites in many respects.  My ex fits the NPD/BPD personae, HUGE charming public personae.  We have two boys so I get to see her "work the room" at their activities. Constantly lurking for new advocates and trying to make EVERYONE see her as SO NICE.  Then there is my, introverted, not unsocial, but I don't seek people out.  I know ex talks and no one has approached me about "us" about her.  Some have made comments, but there is rarely an opening to start a dialogue about what happened.  My ex had the rule of the roost in the neighborhood, the house, I now live in, for 15 months after she had me booted.  So she had a lot of time to posture and infect my neighborhood with her distortions.  I have been back in this house now 4 years and it continues to be a little awkward.  I can tell people look at me and there is always something in their look towards me that appears to "question" me.  Just a feeling.   

The net now grows larger as we arrange kid activities, play dates, car pools with the same parents.  I often ponder if given an opening, what I would say, what I should say.  What does come up regularly are discussions of our children and what they are doing, how they are doing.  We have an S11 who has behavioral issues and we are consistently at odds about how bad he is, or isn't.  So this does come up from time to time as some other parents know aobut S11.  Sometimes in discussion I'll say something to the effect, "We are never on the same page about S11 blah, blah."  That's about it.

The way I look at it, if yo spent time discussing the divorce with people and hwat went wrong - that is a lot of material to get through and it just keeps things in the forefront instead of in the past.  Plus, as you've mentioned and I've experienced it too, the behaviors are so zany that many people may think you're the crazy one cuzz crazyt things like that just can't happen.  We all here know they can, but rational people may not be able to relate.

[ForeverDad]

"It didn't work out, it wasn't healthy, etc," speak in generalities... .

What does come up regularly are discussions of our children and what they are doing, how they are doing... .  Sometimes in discussion I'll say something to the effect, "We are never on the same page about S11 blah, blah."  That's about it... .

The way I look at it, if you spent time discussing the divorce with people and what went wrong — that is a lot of material to get through and it just keeps things in the forefront instead of in the past.  Plus, as you've mentioned and I've experienced it too, the behaviors are so zany that many people may think you're the crazy one cuzz crazy things like that just can't happen.  We all here know they can, but rational people may not be able to relate.

Early in my separation, divorce and even post-divorce I was so emotionally impacted.  Most could not relate to my examples and details.  Or perhaps they just didn't want to "go there".  So I agree with the KISS approach and keeping responses simple.  I sometimes give a little detail such as, "The marriage was literally imploding and I couldn't have been a Father without a divorce to protect myself and be there for my child."  If there are children it may help to refocus that your overall actions were for the children.

However, there were many too who saw the reality.  Just the other day when I remarked that my Ex has issues with other people too, the response was, "Everyone has issues, Ex has the subscription!"

Some people just can't be reasoned with, or at best just fade away and don't correct misguided statements.  I recall when the lawyers went into conference during my last time in court — I already had custody and was seeking majority time — her lawyer's assistant guilted and berated me "how could you!" for taking my Ex to court.  Her lawyer had weakly claimed he didn't have phone calls my lawyer had sent so they had to delay so he could listen to them.  When played in court it was clear how manipulative, changeable and disparaging Ex was.  Too, a teacher had testified how she had caused problems at son's overnight field trip to a children's camp, taking him away with some animosity when "her time" started on the arrival day.  That lady never tried to undo her accusations, so I view her as a Negative Advocate fooled by very emotional claims presented as facts.

[livednlearned]

Do you feel you owe people an explanation?

This was a traumatic experience, something tragic and painful, and the healing will take time and much love and care. Not everyone can be trusted with this information, nor will many people have earned the right to hear your most painful story.

"I had a difficult marriage and a difficult divorce, and I'm working to repair and recover and move on."

Or

"I was married once, and I learned a lot. How about you?"