Let's talk about it Delusional jealousy

[Targeted]

This  was a facet  in my relationship  experience!

I was accused of being attracted to family members, People on  television, looks or age did not matter!  Magazines  there may have a woman in them were also off-limits, meaning  The ones you would find in a grocery store, Constantly questioned about Cashiers,  going to the same store twice  meant I was interested in someone else.  If a woman walked past us in a store forget it!  It was hours of questioning!  Accused of looking for someone else bye  looking in automobiles  when you drive.

And so much more!

[MapleBob]

I don't think my uBPD ex girlfriend was quite THAT bad. It wasn't constant accusations, but apparently that's what she was constantly thinking! It all came out after the breakup, mostly based on the most minuscule, offhand comments I had made while we were together. For example, we once had a conversation about hair: curly hair vs. straight hair, hairstyles we liked or hated... .you know, small talk. I offhandedly said "Oh, you know who has the best hair? That perfect black-blue Asian hair where you can see every individual strand!" Then months later it was "you don't like my hair, you like Asian hair!" It was the same thing with "younger women", and it was the same with tattoos. I had mentioned that I had mostly dated slightly younger women, and she had generally dated slightly older men. I mentioned that I didn't really have an opinion on tattoos, bordering on not seeing what all of the fuss was about. We were the same age. She had tattoos. So it was "you want a younger Asian woman with no tattoos!"

No. No, I didn't. I wanted you.

[Lonely_Astro]

J actually got upset with me because I slept with her friend she introduced me to once... .in a dream she had.  Seriously, I was STed for a couple of days over HER dream (that she didn't even tell me about until after my "punishment".

I was also accused of sleeping with my wife (J and I started as an affair), even though I wasn't doing so.  Yes, I can see why people think it's a lie, but it's not.  I was also "not allowed" to joke with any other female because she saw it as a threat.  But, it was totally fine for her to date another guy and flirt with guys... .but I couldn't talk to the opposite sex, at all.

Craziness.

[MapleBob]

J actually got upset with me because I slept with her friend she introduced me to once... .in a dream she had.  Seriously, I was STed for a couple of days over HER dream (that she didn't even tell me about until after my "punishment".

Oh don't even get me started on their dreams. Mine had one that was so blatantly symbolic it blew my mind: she and I were in a pool, but a pool with a maze built into it. She lost me in the maze and when she found me again I was "flirting with a bunch of hot girls" and she got uncomfortable about it. She tried to talk to me about it, but whenever she tried talking she starting throwing up instead, and I apparently laughed at her about it with my "bunch of hot girls".

[cosmonaut]

J actually got upset with me because I slept with her friend she introduced me to once... .in a dream she had.  Seriously, I was STed for a couple of days over HER dream (that she didn't even tell me about until after my "punishment".

I was also accused of sleeping with my wife (J and I started as an affair), even though I wasn't doing so.

Do you think she may have had some justifiable concerns about your fidelity considering you were currently cheating on your wife?

[JSF13]

My exBPD had such bad nightmares over me they put her on minipress. It didn't stop the dreams. She truthfully believed I was cheating on her constantly because of the dreams. I never cheated on her ever. It was so bad I was alienated from all my friends. I was never allowed to do anything except go to work which even that became an issue. I had become so alone it was sad. She still to this day believes the dreams to be real. She had messaged me last week in the middle of the night to say she had had another nightmare. I started having nightmares from the abusive behavior and her physical abuse on me. She believed EVERYONE wanted me including both friends and ex's. It's really sad. It was so overwhelming and tiring having these fights over the unrealisticness of her mind.

[Targeted]

Never had the dream thing. Understandable where they live in dreamland anyway.

Mine was more no win situations and arguments.

If there were women walking on the sidewalk and we drove past one I was interrogated.  Out to dinner and it's a waitress instead of a waiter? Same thing.  If a female was sitting directly across from us I was screwed.  If I was facing my ex she would look behind her and find a female and I was screwed. Hours of " why can't you just focus on ME "  type arguments!  All this meant I was searching for someone else.  Even if I looked at a cashier buying anything in a store.  I guess I was supposed to look at her or the ground at all times?   

[Lonely_Astro]

J actually got upset with me because I slept with her friend she introduced me to once... .in a dream she had.  Seriously, I was STed for a couple of days over HER dream (that she didn't even tell me about until after my "punishment".

I was also accused of sleeping with my wife (J and I started as an affair), even though I wasn't doing so.

Do you think she may have had some justifiable concerns about your fidelity considering you were currently cheating on your wife?

Cosmo, I absolutely understood her concerns.  She was married as well.  I told her that I had not been intimate with my wife in quite some time and that I had not planned to be so because I was focused on her (J).  I outright told J that my loyalty lay with her (no pun intended).  I did not, ever, lie to J.  I can completely understand the thoughts otherwise.  I know the truth and the truth is I wasn't sleeping with two women at once.  I've never been proud of having an affair, but it is what it is.  I constantly assured her I wasn't sleeping with my wife and if she (at anytime) felt I was lying, to tell me so we could address the concern (whether it was to go forward or end or r/s).  She told me that she believed me because I had never lied to her before and had never given her a reason to not trust my word... .but that was later used against me, unbeknownst to me, she felt I was using/lying to her... .even though I wasn't.

Now, the other side of that coin was that J was married, supposedly estranged from her husband and getting a divorce, when we moved from "talk" to "action".  However, this wasn't true, I later found out.  If she had chosen to be truthful with me from the beginning, I would've understood the situation.  But, she wasn't.  Plus, she judged me the entire time she was doing much worse.  I'm not shifting blame, I'm just saying that I was as open as I could be with her, she wasn't with me.

As time went on and one excuse after another came up about her divorce not happening, I still kept things open with her.  Financially I got myself set and (even bigger) I set myself for the emotional loss of my child (who I took care of since birth).  That was a big thing to me.  Anyway, when it happened, when I struck out on my own, I wasn't met with open arms by J, no.  We made it roughly a month and she exited my life, kept me in limbo, and started dating someone new... .all the while telling me she wanted us to work it out.

At the same time, I was moving forward with my divorce.  To say I was depressed is an understatement.  I had lost my child and J.  Btw, J's divorce was still going on in the background this whole time as well (1+ year, by count, but was a lie).  You see, I had a part to play in all this.  I've never pretended to be "the good guy".  To many, I am/was the villain.  That's my responsibility to bear.  In the end, whether she believed me or not, makes little difference.  She lied to me, saw other guys, felt like I was using her, and so on.  She felt justified in it because my divorce "was taking to long" and I "never talked to her about it", even though she (in fact) refused to listen to me when I tried to talk to her about it.

With all that said, of course, even dismissing all of what happened prior to me moving out and starting the process, I was fully committed (and demonstrated) to J that I was serious about her and only her.  I have loved J since the first time I met her, as fairy tale as that is.  That's a silly notion but it just clicked for me.  However, that click was obviously misplaced. Anyway, just as when it was all coming together, she fled.  I tried to recover us, but it just didn't happen.  

I understand I made mistakes with her, us, myself, and others along the way.  I understand that how we started and continued is difficult, even under the best of circumstances.  I just don't feel like she should get a pass because of that.  We both knew what we were getting into.  We both knew what we were signing up for.  We talked about it, at length, long before anything physical happen.  But we were founded on a lie, so honestly, did we ever have a chance to start with once the foundation of the r/s was tainted from the start?  I had told her, in the beginning, that if I started to overwhelm her or if she wanted something different, to tell me, so we could decide how to go.  She told me she would.  The same agreement was made if she decided to see other people.  She agreed, as well.  At no point do I feel I took advantage of her.  I communicated the best I could with her, was always honest with her, and did all I could to show her I did in fact love her with everything.  I'm sorry, but she can't say the same in return.  BPD or not, she violated our agreement repeatedly, all the while telling me how much she loved and wanted a future with me.  How many others was she having the same type of conversations with?  I can count off 5 in 2015 alone, myself included.

So, Cosmo, I understand what you meant. I understand the point of view you're casting.  But two of us agreed to what we agreed and only one of us upheld that agreement.

[cosmonaut]

I realize that this is a very traumatic experience, Lonely.  Believe me, I know.  And I know you are deeply hurt, and you are grieving.  I know how hard that is too. But what I hear from you is overwhelmingly blaming your ex.  I don't hear much about what you were doing in the relationship.  Do you think you had a role in this dysfunction?  Why do you believe it is all her issues?

Lonely, have you accepted that you were the other man?  I think it very positive that you recognize that what you did was wrong in engaging in an affair, and that's to your credit.  I'm certainly not wanting to rub your nose in it.  We all make mistakes.  But have you accepted that she wasn't in a relationship with you - that was her husband.  You were the man on the side.  What is it that makes you believe otherwise?  If she was cheating on her husband why did you think she would be faithful to you?  Why did you believe you had the right to demand that she remain faithful to you instead of her husband?  These are important questions.  There was some reason you played a very active part in this relationship.  So much so that you were willing to lose your child over it (if I understand you correctly).  Let's get at that.  What was going on inside of you when you met your ex?

If you feel ready to do so maybe you could start a new thread about that topic and the members can help you to explore those questions.

[Confused108]

I was accused of flirting with my friends . My ex partner, college friends etc. but yet she could do anything she wanted. Amazing.

[Lonely_Astro]

I realize that this is a very traumatic experience, Lonely.  Believe me, I know.  And I know you are deeply hurt, and you are grieving.  I know how hard that is too. But what I hear from you is overwhelmingly blaming your ex.  I don't hear much about what you were doing in the relationship.  Do you think you had a role in this dysfunction?  Why do you believe it is all her issues?

Lonely, have you accepted that you were the other man?  I think it very positive that you recognize that what you did was wrong in engaging in an affair, and that's to your credit.  I'm certainly not wanting to rub your nose in it.  We all make mistakes.  But have you accepted that she wasn't in a relationship with you - that was her husband.  You were the man on the side.  What is it that makes you believe otherwise?  If she was cheating on her husband why did you think she would be faithful to you?  Why did you believe you had the right to demand that she remain faithful to you instead of her husband?  These are important questions.  There was some reason you played a very active part in this relationship.  So much so that you were willing to lose your child over it (if I understand you correctly).  Let's get at that.  What was going on inside of you when you met your ex?

If you feel ready to do so maybe you could start a new thread about that topic and the members can help you to explore those questions.

I accept I wasn't perfect.  I accept I wasn't the "good guy", I hurt M in all this as well as my wife.  I accept J wasn't perfect, either.  That still doesn't excuse what she did to me.  People, such as yourself, can judge me for what I've done if they wish.  I made a mistake.  I got in over my head with J.  That still doesn't change how I felt (and still do) about J.  A lot was said and agreed upon between J and I from the onset.  A r/s formed, talks were had, agreements were made and she went back on all of that.  That's on her.  It's on me that I even entered into those agreements to start with, but I did so in good faith.  I didn't demand fidelity from her.  She volunteered it.  I told her then if she wished to move on, if I wasn't moving fast enough for her or whatever reason, that I wanted her to tell me.  It was only fair to me and to her to do so.  However, she didn't.  She chose not to, she chose to keep telling me I was "the only one" and continued sworn fidelity, even though M, B, N, and R were in the picture this past year.  Affair or not, once you tell someone that you are faithful to them (as she did to me), I expect that to be held to.  You see, I didn't know I was the "other guy" until recently.  That's a fact that I am still coming to terms with.  Had I known from the onset, I feel things would've been different, but that's not what I was led to believe.

As to my reasoning for getting involved with J in the first place, I know why I did and sex wasn't part of that.  J was the one who pursued sex after several months of friendship.  I could've shut it down, but I didn't.  That's on me.  I was lonely, so I took advantage of the offer.  It made me feel wanted and desired, that was something I wanted.  Like I said, I have never pretended to be a saint in all this.  I also never pressured her to be more than my friend.  It just led to more.  Much more.

As time marched on, so did the oddities with her.  Actions started not matching up with words, which made me hesitate with her.  It made me question her, given our past.  Looking back, I should've ended things with her long before summer came.  I should've, but I thought, maybe it's just me.  Maybe I'm being paranoid.  But, you know what?  Those suspicions, those gut feelings were right.  Something was rotten in Denmark, my friend.  Why did I stay?  Hope that I was being hypersensitive.  It turns out, I wasn't, something was wrong.  I was being lied to, misled, redirected, and played.  That's the brutal fact that I only found out about a few weeks ago.  By the way, I did ask when the oddities came up (as per our agreement) and she either dismissed/denied/deflected them.  That did, over time, take a toll on me about her sincerity.  This, I also never hid from J. 

So now you're asking "well, Astro, what were you doing this entire time?"  A valid enough question.  I was working on leaving my marriage.  Yes, I know, "just pick up and go" seems so easy.  But it wasn't.  I entered therapy around the same time I walked away from my marriage and my child.  Don't get me wrong, I was still a part of their life (my childs, I mean), but it was different, of course.  At this point as well, I began to start the divorce process.  J knew all of this.  I had told her before I left that I was doing so.  At no point during the past year did I ever conceal anything from her.  I never once lied to her about anything (either directly or through omission).  I never made J feel like she wasn't a priority in my life, even she said that at the end.  She also said she didn't know why she left me when I was 'truly' available to her. 

At no point will I ever say an affair is right or is it easy.  It's taxing on everyone involved and it hurts the other parties.  Yes, I didn't move as quickly as I should have to get to J.  I realize this.  If this affair had just been about physical connection, I wouldn't be here.  There were things that were on her mind, but she never told me about them.  That's on her, I'm not a mind reader.  She also chose to lie to me, even though she didn't really have to, that was her choice.  Am I shifting blame?  If that's how you want to see it.  We were both responsible for our r/s.  It takes two to tango.  However, I was dancing most of the year by myself and didn't realize it.  Above all else from her, I asked for honesty, whatever that honesty would've been, we could've faced it.  Whether it was closing off our r/s and moving on or deciding to see a T together or whatever else it could've been, I was willing to do what was needed to have a r/s with her.  I did and do love J.  The J I knew, anyway.  I understand I made mistakes.  I understand that I was (unknowingly) the "other guy", just like she knew she was the "other girl".  But, I never broke my promise to her.  I can't say the same for her.

[kc sunshine]

Mine is still wildly jealous after she broke up with me! Even though she is seeing a couple and another guy, and was telling me all about their problems and delights, when I mentioned that I had gone on a couple of dates, she flew into a rage and made me leave her house. Totally crazy-making.

[FlyingJ]

Can we explain why they accuse us of such behaviors? (I too was accused of everything under the sun)

[MapleBob]

Can we explain why they accuse us of such behaviors? (I too was accused of everything under the sun)

For some it's projection, and for some it is their deep insecurity, from childhood.

[C.Stein]

My ex was very jealous.  I vaguely commented, only twice, about the looks of other woman.  First being Megan Fox (said something like OOH, Megan Fox), the other just a general comment about all the woman in a particular movie being hot.  Both times she took issue with it, got really upset the first time.  Yet ... .she could undress guys with her eyes right in front of me and on one occasion undressed herself (in part) right in front of me to get the attention of another guy.  The sad thing is she complained to me on numerous occasion about how her ex "looked" at other girls like "that" and how much is bothered her.  :)ouble standards anyone?

BTW ... .she never had a problem with me commenting on how good looking a particular male actor was.  Funny how that goes.

[MakingMyWay]

There were a lot of double standards in my relationship with jealousy. There was one incident about a year into our three year relationship where a female friend of a friend hugged me in front of my ex. That was a massive issue for about two months. I kept seeing the friend of a friend who at that point was just a friend ( that is confusing) because I knew how ridiculous it was that she was having this reaction, but my ex made it clear I wasn't allowed to hug that friend any more. I told her this was unreasonable but she didn't agree. That impacted me for the rest of the relationship, I had to be very hands off with any girl because I was scared of a negative reaction. It sucks now, because I lost a lot of connections with people who would have been great friends. I am making effort to rebuild those relationships now, which is good, those who I've successfully reconnected with are great friends.

But when I raised concerns about some of her friends straight up admitting that they were interested in her and openly flirting with her (Or so she said, I'm not sure who to trust) she assumed I was trying to ruin her friendships, without even suggesting that she stop being friends with them. One of those friends ended up being my replacement. It was so frustrating.

[C.Stein]

That impacted me for the rest of the relationship, I had to be very hands off with any girl because I was scared of a negative reaction. It sucks now, because I lost a lot of connections with people who would have been great friends. I am making effort to rebuild those relationships now, which is good, those who I've successfully reconnected with are great friends.

If you don't mind me asking, why do you need to be hands on in order to build a friendship?

[Targeted]

Double standards were in my relationship huge!

I was always looking for someone else because I went into a store, saw people when I drove, saw people on the sidewalk, in malls, magazines, television but it was ok for her to be on dating sites! Crazy!

I can't have female friends but all her" friends" are guys?

It's ok for her to go to dinner or a movie with a guy if I'm not around when she has a zero tolerance for me with women?

She even talks to or texts men she met on dating sites while we were together and her excuse was that's what happens when you break up! He's not a bad guy and I still talk to him because I feel bad?

No answer though to my question?  What about me? My feelings on the matter?

One way double standard