Letter to Myself After The Suicide This Week of BPDEx

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Dear Me,

I am sorry your friend Puppy has passed.  I know at one time you loved Puppy very much.  I know Puppy hurt you.  I know the Joy Puppy gave you was nothing compared to the pain she inflicted.  There was no genuine purpose in any of her actions other than servicing her own personal demons.  I know Puppy abused you.  I know Puppy lied to you.  I know Puppy cheated on you.  I know Puppy manipulated you.  I know Puppy betrayed you.  I know Puppy broke your heart.    

Puppy can see that “little pea brain of yours spinning and spinning” and Puppy knows she told you a thousand times “It’s not your words that matter, it is your actions”.  Puppy was right.  

You were good to Puppy.  You were great to Puppy.  You were honest with Puppy.  You were loyal to Puppy.  You supported Puppy.  You sacrificed sleep for Puppy.  You sacrificed friendships for Puppy.  You sat patiently waiting on Puppy (“on my way, be there in a minute ”).  You listened to Puppy go on and on about all of Puppy’s concerns no matter how trivial or how unbelievable.  You watched all of those demented movies with Puppy.  You stayed up all night entertaining Puppy.  :)og#1 and that little (explitive) Dog#2 woke you up a hundred times.  You trusted Puppy.  Most importantly, you never abandoned Puppy.  Your actions toward Puppy were amazing.  

I placed a bouquet of roses at Puppy’s home and planned to send the greatest possible arrangement to Puppy’s service.  Instead, I am delivering this letter and a small arrangement to you.  This admittedly strange and nontraditional gesture is to honor the memory of your love for Puppy.  It is worth honoring. Your love for Puppy was pure.  Your love for Puppy was genuine.  Your love for Puppy was unconditional.  There is nothing wrong with you and you did nothing wrong to Puppy.  Puppy was deeply disturbed and suffered a horrible existence.  Puppy was not capable of reciprocating your love.  It was neither Puppy’s intention nor Puppy’s fault, it was simply Puppy’s nature.  Both Puppy and Puppy’s pain are now gone.  Please use this arrangement as a symbol to honor your love for Puppy.  Use it for a few days or just for a moment.  When you are finished, please properly dispose of the arrangement along with all the pain Puppy caused you.  Puppy is gone and so should all of the pain she caused you.  

I am sorry.

Sincerely,

Me

[howardghost]

Dear Me,

I am sorry your friend Puppy has passed.  I know at one time you loved Puppy very much.  I know Puppy hurt you.  I know the Joy Puppy gave you was nothing compared to the pain she inflicted.  There was no genuine purpose in any of her actions other than servicing her own personal demons.  I know Puppy abused you.  I know Puppy lied to you.  I know Puppy cheated on you.  I know Puppy manipulated you.  I know Puppy betrayed you.  I know Puppy broke your heart.    

Puppy can see that “little pea brain of yours spinning and spinning” and Puppy knows she told you a thousand times “It’s not your words that matter, it is your actions”.  Puppy was right.  

You were good to Puppy.  You were great to Puppy.  You were honest with Puppy.  You were loyal to Puppy.  You supported Puppy.  You sacrificed sleep for Puppy.  You sacrificed friendships for Puppy.  You sat patiently waiting on Puppy (“on my way, be there in a minute ”).  You listened to Puppy go on and on about all of Puppy’s concerns no matter how trivial or how unbelievable.  You watched all of those demented movies with Puppy.  You stayed up all night entertaining Puppy.  :)og#1 and that little (explitive) Dog#2 woke you up a hundred times.  You trusted Puppy.  Most importantly, you never abandoned Puppy.  Your actions toward Puppy were amazing.  

I placed a bouquet of roses at Puppy’s home and planned to send the greatest possible arrangement to Puppy’s service.  Instead, I am delivering this letter and a small arrangement to you.  This admittedly strange and nontraditional gesture is to honor the memory of your love for Puppy.  It is worth honoring. Your love for Puppy was pure.  Your love for Puppy was genuine.  Your love for Puppy was unconditional.  There is nothing wrong with you and you did nothing wrong to Puppy.  Puppy was deeply disturbed and suffered a horrible existence.  Puppy was not capable of reciprocating your love.  It was neither Puppy’s intention nor Puppy’s fault, it was simply Puppy’s nature.  Both Puppy and Puppy’s pain are now gone.  Please use this arrangement as a symbol to honor your love for Puppy.  Use it for a few days or just for a moment.  When you are finished, please properly dispose of the arrangement along with all the pain Puppy caused you.  Puppy is gone and so should all of the pain she caused you.  

I am sorry.

Sincerely,

Me

[Scopikaz]

I'm truly sorry and at a loss for words.   find comfort in God.

[Turkish]

This is a heartfelt eulogy not so much to your Puppy, but to your relationship.

Despite all that happened, I sense love her;  not only for her, but with a little left over your self as well.  How did you feel after writing it?

I know it's so soon, but we're here for you 

T.

[howardghost]

Thank you for asking.

Yes. 

Section one acknowledges how rotten, sorry, and what a piece of stuff she was to me. 

Section two validates how pure, honest, and genuine my feeling were to her.

Section three gives a small rationalization for her shortcomings, a little bit of compassion here.  It also reminds me I did nothing wrong, my feelings were real, I really did love her and acted accordingly, she was a piece of stuff and did not.  It is ok now because she is dead.  I need to mourn the lost of my side of our relationship (the good part) and then move on.

Wrote it on Tuesday.  Read it again today.  Today I feel like I want to toss both the flowers and my pain into the trash.  I feel pretty good.

[Turkish]

It sounds like you're processing this in order to take care of yourself.

Did you ever contact her family, or are you lettting this go as best you can on your own?

[howardghost]

Oh brother!  This is day 10. So so much has happened.  I don't have the strength to recap in great detail and I am passed processing phase and entered into deep healing phase.  Thank you for support, I was able to successfully diagnose her situation via this site 3 months ago.  What a story.  Wanted to document entire event, therapist said absolutely"not"!  So know I feel bad for not sharing, but per my new "boundaries", I can only offer following.


After above:

Contacted 3 other of her primaries

Contacted 12+ of her recyclers

Contacted 6 of 7 of her best friends

Contacted 30+ of her other friends

Welcomed, eventually, by her family

Learned so much about them and her:

Our experiences and stories were all identical

Regardless of our type of relationship with her, all of our pain was the same, Unimaginable!

God Bless us all, because we deserve it!