getting past denial

[cootkilla]

I have trouble letting go because I have no formal diagnosis of borderline for my soon to be exwife, but despite how much I read over and over and go wow that total fits all this sounds so true to my life, I hear her voice saying, no all I have been told is I have ptsd, and its all your fault, and any acceptance of blame on her part becomes some how my fault in a back handed way, so no real ownership her side of the street.  But I guess my denial of the obvioius( to everyone who knows our situation), serves a way for me to keep this hope alive that she some how could get better and I was not really a victim of a huge scam, we have been married for 11yrs and together almost 13, I'm on my 3rd attempt to separate and divorce.  I even spent 55k to send her to in patient therapy for "trauma" over the summer for 6wks, which she would not let the folks even tell me anything about her course or treatment or diagnosis.  All I got from her was, I have ptsd, its not borderline.  I seem to be on this endless quest for answers, which I cant seem to quench or find peace in.  Rationally, I know something has to be deeply wrong but emotionally I'm in denial I guess.  Anybody have any tricks to get out of denial?

[Cryin Shame]

Recognizing that you're in denial is the best first step. Realizing that you can't change someone else, only yourself, is the second. Admitting that you can't heal the problems of other people (in particular when they are in denial about what's wrong) would be the next. And finally: Deciding what kind of relationship you want and taking measures to have that relationship is the last step. Do you want to be a caretaker for someone who will never show appreciation for it, or do you want a partner with whom you can share your honest Feelings and with whom you can relate to as an equal? I decided that my partner had conned me from the beginning, as so many of the relationships with People suffering from BPD begin, and I am no longer going to live in a hurtful, dishonest relationship which should never have existed in the first place. But, as you well know, in the beginning you're swept away by this person whom you regard as your soulmate. It takes a while to recognize that person for what he or she truly is: a predator who will rape your soul and make you feel like you are losing your mind.

I hope you decide to do what's best for you!

[apollotech]

But I guess my denial of the obvioius( to everyone who knows our situation), serves a way for me to keep this hope alive that she some how could get better... .

Hi cootkilla,

I am sorry to hear that you're going through this, especially in a marriage. I have a little different take on what you've stated above ^^^^. I don't believe that the denial is driving your hope but rather the hope is driving your denial. That "hope" is often referred to as malignant or defensive hope---tomorrow will be better. As a defensive measure, it can stagnate a person; in other words, it will delay them from facing the inevitable or the reality of a situation (denial). (This "hope" is common on hospital wards for the terminally ill.) That "hope" had me caught in a very toxic relationship for much longer than I should have been in it. I didn't move into acceptance of my particular situation until that hope dissipated. My path to acceptance was to educate myself on what I was actually dealing with, a person with a mental disorder, which happened to be BPD. With my newfound knowledge, I began to see that I was not the cause of many of our issues nor was I likely to change said issues. That is when the hope began to dissipate, when I realized that I had very little control over the situation. That's when I recognized and accepted my ex's mental disorder for what it was.

I wish you all the best, hang in there---the sun does shine again! Again, I am sorry to hear of the dissolving of your marriage. A normal divorce is hard enough, a party with mental issues just compounds it.

[vortex of confusion]

I want to echo what appolotech said. The hope is what feeds the denial. I am leaving a 17  year marriage. I made it this long because I was in denial. I kept telling myself things like, "Oh, he will be better when he gets a new job." or "He will be better now that he is attending 12 step meetings." There was always some reason for his behavior and I would talk myself into believing that once that reason was addressed, things would be better. The problem was that as soon as one problem was addressed, another one would crop up and then everything would be focused on addressing that particular issue.

It took me a long time to see that pattern. A lot of the denial also stemmed from the fact that I was hell bent on keeping my marriage together at any cost. Staying married and keeping my family together was a core value for me. I had to look at why I was holding onto that so tightly. It was more complicated than a single issue. Some of the reasons that I was holding onto hope was fear. I was afraid of being a bad wife. If he is sick or has problems, it seems mean to leave him. I made a vow to stand by him in sickness and health. I was afraid of being a single mom. I was afraid of being alone. All of these things were feeding my need to find hope where there was none. The more I found hope, the more I was in denial.

I spent a lot of time on the Staying Boards. I would get really frustrated because the things that I would need to do to stay seemed impossible to me. It felt like the harder I tried, the worse things got. My stbx wasn't doing anything that was in your face. Most of the things he does are passive and hermit-like. I had hoped that I could change myself enough to become the wife he needed me to be. I had hoped that I could find some kind of magic bullet to make all of the craziness go away.

One day, something inside me snapped and I started asking myself, "What about my needs?" I had pushed aside most of my needs (physical, emotional, etc.) in order to be the kind of wife he needed me to be. I tried to turn things around and ask questions like: What about HIS vows to me? What about him being beside me in sickness and in health? What about me? (That set off a whole different line of thinking where I had to get beyond feeling selfish.)

It was a long process for me and I am still working through this stuff. I no longer hope that he will change. I no longer try to change who I am. I have accepted that he is going to be this way whether I am with him or not. Right now, I am trying to get him out of the house. I am so done with him. A lot of what helped me get there was too stop focusing so much on him and start focusing on me and what I want and what I need. It isn't selfish to do that.

[cootkilla]

I put this in wrong denial post but my comment was:

really appreciate the responses, I see and understand what yall are saying.  I guess, for some reason I really feel like a need an official diagnosis.  you know what I mean?   I am a physician, I guess that is where that comes from, my quest to finally find out what is truly wrong with her and give up that fact that I cant fix her.  How do you have peace without an official diagnosis

[vortex of confusion]

I put this in wrong denial post but my comment was:

really appreciate the responses, I see and understand what yall are saying.  I guess, for some reason I really feel like a need an official diagnosis.  you know what I mean?   I am a physician, I guess that is where that comes from, my quest to finally find out what is truly wrong with her and give up that fact that I cant fix her.  How do you have peace without an official diagnosis

Stop for a second. What is an official diagnosis going to do for you? Are you thinking that a diagnosis might lead to the potential for a cure? How will a diagnosis change the way you approach things? Will it give you peace of mind? If so, how?

I will never have any kind of official diagnosis. All I know is that my stbx is messed up. I don't know if his behaviors add up to BPD, dependent personality disorder, or something else. I know he identifies as a sex addict and attends 12 step meetings. That is a joke if you ask me.

I tried to get him to go to counseling but that was seen as me being too demanding and asking him for things that are unreasonable and things he doesn't believe in. So, at some point, I had to focus on ME. Forget him. Forget what he is or isn't. His actions show me everything I need to know. I can't live with those actions. It doesn't matter if there is a label on them or not. I cannot live with those things. Ultimately, I live without any kind of a diagnosis by focusing on myself rather than him.

[apollotech]

I put this in wrong denial post but my comment was:

really appreciate the responses, I see and understand what yall are saying.  I guess, for some reason I really feel like a need an official diagnosis.  you know what I mean?   I am a physician, I guess that is where that comes from, my quest to finally find out what is truly wrong with her and give up that fact that I cant fix her.  How do you have peace without an official diagnosis

cootkilla,

Is this not also an avenue of denial, having to have a clinical diagnosis? As VofC has asked, what would that change? I think the majority of us eventually found our way to these boards searching for answers. I also believe that with enough answers, you will eventually begin to detach and move on, even without a clinical diagnosis (which might possibly never come). It's a process, letting go, that each of us works through at his/her own pace, but it'll happen. When it happens is very much dependent on you. My advice is to gain as much knowledge as you can about the disorder, and then overlay your marriage, her, her behaviors/actions with that newfound knowledge. I think that'll answer a lot of questions that you might have about exactly what occured in your relationship. Then you'll begin to come out of the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt). Hang in there, the hope does dissipate, granting you freedom. But again, a lot of this is dependent upon you.

[AndrewS]

For me there are a couple of things. Being with a pwBPD had lowered my self confidence and confused me so much that even though most of the behaviors fit BPD and some were exact, I still felt like I needed a diagnosis. Looking back now I am absolutely sure they are BPD. As well, I think I wanted some sort of closure or some proof that I didn't do anything wrong (although by the end some of my behavior was poor). Again, it's obvious now. Perhaps you just need time and distance to believe in your own mind again.

Now that we have been apart for months, I see more clearly. She lives in the same building and when we meet in passing and have a conversation, it is fully manipulative and she avoids anything remotely related to responsibility, even though we can have a great laugh and really get each other. I just let it go now and realise that she is ill and I can do nothing. When I tell her I don't want to be friends she says I'm being childish. And round it goes. I don't know if I'm in denial but I do still love and care about her but am staying away completely. In my mind, the only way to even be friends is if she can convince me that she knows she has a problem AND wants to work on it. Perhaps this allows me to keep a sliver of hope but not be in denial, I don't know but it's where I am at now.

I may be in denial because I don't remotely feel like dating again yet. I have found more energy for work which I love and exercise. I think it's a gradual process and the denial fades as life gets back to normal.

There is also a 9 year old girl who was 3 when I met her involved. So to some extent I will always be connected and don't know how that affects denial either. If I am honest with myself I still want a miracle turn around and we go off together and work on the relationship but I know that is never likely to happen - denial still ? :-) Denial and hope are what we deal with so let them fade but don't expect yourself to be able to just dispose of them at will.