communication

[smartin190]

I struggle communicating with my 23 yr old BPD daughter who is in denial about her DPD Her moods shift very rapidly

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Slipping]

Hi smartin,

I'm glad you're here!  You'll find lots of parents who can relate.

I'm guessing your daughter is not in therapy specifically for BPD, since you mention that she's in denial.  Has she received an official diagnosis, and is she in any type of therapy?

Have you had a chance  to start reading and studying all the wonderful info on the right side of this page?  I found it helped me to learn as much as I could about the diagnosis and the disordered thinking/emotional dysregulation that drove her behaviors. It helped me gain some small sense of control in a whirlwind of chaos.

I also read as much as I could about the concept of validation.  It's a bit difficult to grasp and put into practice so that it sounds natural.  Once you are able to do it, you might find almost immediate improvement.  For us, it made the rages and arguments shorter b/c it sort of took away the fuel. 

Another concept I learned here is that it is helpful to remember not to JADE... .that is, do not Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain.  That's a lot easier said than done too, but once I realized that she only got angrier when I did those things and that she never listened to me anyway, I was able to stop JADEing.  When she's dysregulated, she can't think logically.  And as she delights to tell me, she's the only one who matters anyway.  So any explanation of my behavior or thoughts was a complete waste of breath!

I don't know if any of that addresses the specific behavior that you're struggling with, but hope it helps in some way.  Come back and tell us more when you're able. 

Slipping

[tristesse]

Hi Smartin, like slipping, I would like to welcome you to bpdfamily.

I want you to know that I understand how you feel. All persons with BPD have somewhat skewed perception of true reality, so your daughters denial is not uncommon. Most people with this illness tend to place blame for all that is wrong in life, and rarely accept responsabilty for their wrong doing or actions. Admitting and accepting the diagnosis of BPD means the problems might be them, and that's a hard pill to swallow for people who are already insecure and feel like the world set out against them.

The mood swings are also quite common in BPD, It's almost like a switch is flipped. I understand the concern you have about that as well.

How long have known about the BPD? and has your daughter been officially diagnosed?

While you can't force her to be in any type of therapy or treatment, you can learn to cope, and effectively deal with your daughter. Read books on the subject, like STOP WALKING ON EGGSHELLS, like I HATE YOU DON'T LEAVE ME, and anything else that can give you good insight into the illness.

I also encourage you to learn the lessons and use the tools on the right side of board. Practice validation and communicating with SET( you will learn that as you go through the tools). Once you are comfortable with communicating in this new way, use the new skill in communicating with your daughter.

This is a lot of to take in, and a lot of work on your part, but the effort you make could be the difference between her acceptance or non-acceptance of the illness.

Please keep us posted on your progress and let us know how you and your daughter are doing. Take care