I am feeling completely demoralised today

[Lifewriter16]

I'm really struggling today. I feel really demoralised and hopeless. I also feel needy almost to the point of desperation.

I can really relate to the BPD need to have some kind of 'supply' (a caustic description if you ask me). I almost feel like I'm going to fall into oblivion without a man in my life. I am beginning to feel I don't have the capacity to build the kind of relationship I want. I don't seem to be able to 'do' relationships. I am realising that I don't actually hear what's said to me, I hear what I think is being said and react to that with hurt and then pull away, push the other person away, or reject them the minute I register that I am feeling pain. And contrary to CBT principles, that occurs before I have had a conscious thought. The first thing I know is pain in my chest followed by a knee-jerk reaction to reject the person who has hurt me. The more I see of myself, the more similarities I can see with BPD. That is very uncomfortable. I so wanted to believe this wasn't my problem, but now I am witnessing myself in the midst of this pattern with other people not just my BPDxbf. I see myself being impatient and needy and getting angry because I'm not getting what I want. Given that a mutual, loving relationship was all I ever actually wanted out of life, I'm feeling pretty hopeless because making that a reality is seeming more and more unlikely.

I think it's terribly, terribly sad, and very unjust, that some people get to be loved as kids and because they are loved as kids, they are able to go on to receive more love, whereas those who were not loved as children, go into adulthood unable to do this. So for some, life is an upward progression, for others, it is a downwards spiral. And that's where my life is heading right now.

It reminds me of something Jesus said: to those who have, more will be given, from those who have little, even that will be taken away.

I have to cook for my kids but I don't want to. I just want to crawl into a corner and give up.

Lifewriter x

[Kwamina]

Hi Lifewriter16

I am very sorry you are feeling this way. These kinds of thought and feelings are quite difficult to deal with. I am glad you did come on here to talk about what you are going through so you might get some support and advice.

I'm really struggling today. I feel really demoralised and hopeless. I also feel needy almost to the point of desperation.

These kinds of feelings are tough indeed. You mention CBT and what might help to keep in mind is the form of distorted thinking known as 'Emotional Reasoning'. That you are currently feeling this way doesn't have to be an accurate reflection of your current reality. If 'Emotional Reasoning' is involved here, this will negatively effect your perception of your current reality.

I think it's terribly, terribly sad, and very unjust, that some people get to be loved as kids and because they are loved as kids, they are able to go on to receive more love, whereas those who were not loved as children, go into adulthood unable to do this. So for some, life is an upward progression, for others, it is a downwards spiral. And that's where my life is heading right now.

It is sad indeed. Unfortunately we cannot change our past, what we can do as adult is try to be the parent to ourselves that we never had as a child. Pete Walker who has written about adults who suffered childhood abuse and emotional flashback management says the following:

"Speak reassuringly to the Inner Child. The child needs to know that you love her unconditionally- that she can come to you for comfort and protection when she feels lost and scared."

He also talks about deconstructing eternity thinking: ":)econstruct eternity thinking: in childhood, fear and abandonment felt endless - a safer future was unimaginable. Remember the flashback will pass as it has many times before."

Are you familiar with the concept of emotional flashbacks?

Emotional flashbacks are sudden and often prolonged regressions ('amygdala hijackings' to the frightening circumstances of childhood. They are typically experienced as intense and confusing episodes of fear and/or despair - or as sorrowful and/or enraged reactions to this fear and despair.

... .

Emotional flashbacks are especially painful because the inner critic typically overlays them with toxic shame, inhibiting the individual from seeking comfort and support, isolating him in an overwhelming and humiliating sense of defectiveness.

Do you perhaps think you might be experiencing some emotional flashbacks now?

It reminds me of something Jesus said: to those who have, more will be given, from those who have little, even that will be taken away.

He however also said "Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted." and "Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth."

[Lifewriter16]

Do you perhaps think you might be experiencing some emotional flashbacks now?

Quite possibly. I have been sitting here crying and just wanting my dad to comfort me... .

[Kwamina]

Do you perhaps think you might be experiencing some emotional flashbacks now?

Quite possibly. I have been sitting here crying and just wanting my dad to comfort me... .

I suggest you take a look at this thread:

Dealing with trauma: PTSD, C-PTSD and emotional flashbacks

In that thread Pete Walker's steps for managing emotional flashbacks are listed and I think you might benefit from them:

13 Steps for Managing Emotional Flashbacks (by Pete Walker, M.A.)

1.   Say to yourself: "I am having a flashback". Flashbacks take us into a timeless part of the psyche that feels as helpless, hopeless and surrounded by danger as we were in childhood. The feelings and sensations you are experiencing are past memories that cannot hurt you now.

2.   Remind yourself: "I feel afraid but I am not in danger! I am safe now, here in the present." Remember you are now in the safety of the present, far from the danger of the past.

3.   Own your right/need to have boundaries. Remind yourself that you do not have to allow anyone to mistreat you; you are free to leave dangerous situations and protest unfair behavior.

4.   Speak reassuringly to the Inner Child. The child needs to know that you love her unconditionally- that she can come to you for comfort and protection when she feels lost and scared.

5.   Deconstruct eternity thinking: in childhood, fear and abandonment felt endless - a safer future was unimaginable. Remember the flashback will pass as it has many times before.

6.   Remind yourself that you are in an adult body with allies, skills and resources to protect you that you never had as a child. (Feeling small and little is a sure sign of a flashback)

7.   Ease back into your body. Fear launches us into 'heady' worrying, or numbing and spacing out.

  a. Gently ask your body to Relax: feel each of your major muscle groups and softly encourage them to relax. (Tightened musculature sends unnecessary danger signals to the brain)

  b. Breathe deeply and slowly. (Holding the breath also signals danger).

  c. Slow down: rushing presses the psyche's panic button.

  d. Find a safe place to unwind and soothe yourself: wrap yourself in a blanket, hold a stuffed animal, lie down in a closet or a bath, take a nap.

  e. Feel the fear in your body without reacting to it. Fear is just an energy in your body that cannot hurt you if you do not run from it or react self-destructively to it.

8.   Resist the Inner Critic's Drasticizing and Catastrophizing:

  a. Use thought-stopping to halt its endless exaggeration of danger and constant planning to control the uncontrollable. Refuse to shame, hate or abandon yourself. Channel the anger of self-attack into saying NO to unfair self-criticism.

  b. Use thought-substitution to replace negative thinking with a memorized list of your qualities and accomplishments

9.   Allow yourself to grieve. Flashbacks are opportunities to release old, unexpressed feelings of fear, hurt, and abandonment, and to validate - and then soothe - the child's past experience of helplessness and hopelessness. Healthy grieving can turn our tears into self-compassion and our anger into self-protection.

10.   Cultivate safe relationships and seek support. Take time alone when you need it, but don't let shame isolate you. Feeling shame doesn't mean you are shameful. Educate your intimates about flashbacks and ask them to help you talk and feel your way through them.

11.   Learn to identify the types of triggers that lead to flashbacks. Avoid unsafe people, places, activities and triggering mental processes. Practice preventive maintenance with these steps when triggering situations are unavoidable.

12.   Figure out what you are flashing back to. Flashbacks are opportunities to discover, validate and heal our wounds from past abuse and abandonment. They also point to our still unmet developmental needs and can provide motivation to get them met.

13.   Be patient with a slow recovery process: it takes time in the present to become un-adrenalized, and considerable time in the future to gradually decrease the intensity, duration and frequency of flashbacks. Real recovery is a gradually progressive process (often two steps forward, one step back), not an attained salvation fantasy. Don't beat yourself up for having a flashback.

[daughterandmom]

Hi Lifewriter

I hear what you are saying. I feel for you. 

Kwamina gives very good advice. I know you are feeling very emotional right now, and sometimes that serves a purpose. I find that it's a good time to give yourself some comfort and compassion and wait to analyze things until later. I had read enough of your posts to know you are a kind, good person. I do not believe that you are on a downward spiral and destined to not have the love you need whereas children who were loved have it easily. We children who had a harder time may need more work to get there, but we sure appreciate it more than those for who it comes easily

It reminds me of something Jesus said: to those who have, more will be given, from those who have little, even that will be taken away.

I understand how this can make you feel even lower. But don't forget, Jesus loved the honest hearted, the downtrodden, the poor. He would never leave this parable for us to understand in a mean spirited way, like you barely have anything so I am taking that away too. I believe when you read the whole parable, there is comfort in what Jesus said. He entrusts the slaves with the coins, and the ones who did what they were supposed to and showed respect for the responsibility were rewarded. The wicked, lazy slave had his coin taken back. I am pretty sure you are the kind of person who would do what was asked and try to make the master happy with your effort.

Hang in there 

[Lifewriter16]

I know what the trigger is now. It is waiting for men to contact me.

I can see myself as a child (and feel myself as a child too) standing outside my father's study. I want to go in. I want to be hugged. I want to stop feeling so alone. But, I'm not allowed to go in because mum says dad is working. So I stand outside his study door day after day after day waiting for something that rarely ever materialises.

I carry this pattern through to my relationships as an adult, trying to find love with men who pick me up and drop me at a whim thinking nothing of waiting 4 days or more before bothering to make any kind of contact. So I am constantly waiting, waiting, waiting... .and I feel in so much pain. I am so alone and so isolated and so very sad... .

[Kwamina]

I understand Lifewriter16 and can relate to the feelings you express here. Now in your adult life you still find yourself longing and searching for the love from your father that you never or seldom got as a child. Your needs weren't met as a child, this is what Pete Walker also talks about in the 12th step: "Figure out what you are flashing back to. Flashbacks are opportunities to discover, validate and heal our wounds from past abuse and abandonment. They also point to our still unmet developmental needs and can provide motivation to get them met."

Only after identifying your triggers and problematic relationship patterns and dynamics, is it possible to do something about them. You are in pain right now, only by moving through the pain can we often arrive at a more peaceful place. Even if it doesn't 'feel' that way right now, things can get better and what you are going through right now can turn out to be a significant turning point for you.

Perhaps you can try to find a way to give yourself the love you have been looking to receive from others. A way to give yourself the love your dad might not have been able to give or might not have been able to express properly. As you deal with this I encourage you to treat yourself with compassion, in a loving way: "Love is patient, love is kind... .It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.". I encourage you to treat yourself with patience and kindness and to protect yourself and persevere through the pain  

[Grey Kitty]

First, I think you are doing some very good and very hard work on yourself right now. 

Please be gentle with yourself when you see flaws and issues and even poor behavior in the past. You are worth that kind treatment and you can give it to yourself.

This part struck me... .

I don't seem to be able to 'do' relationships. I am realising that I don't actually hear what's said to me, I hear what I think is being said and react to that with hurt and then pull away, push the other person away, or reject them the minute I register that I am feeling pain. And contrary to CBT principles, that occurs before I have had a conscious thought. The first thing I know is pain in my chest followed by a knee-jerk reaction to reject the person who has hurt me.

And I see an encouraging side to it--you are realizing this. Right now you see it in retrospect, after you've already done it. That's where the awareness starts. And it gets better with practice.

Perhaps another time soon you will catch the pain in your chest and the urge to reject the person who hurt you, and notice in time to just say "I need some space right now." or "I'm triggered and hurting right now." and not have to go fully into rejecting the person.

If you try to be mindful and watch yourself, you will (eventually) notice what is happening earlier and earlier in the process and be better able to adjust.

[Lifewriter16]

Kwamina, daughterandmom, Grey Kitty

I feel like I've done 3 rounds in the emotional boxing ring, but I am recovering today. Thank you all for your support yesterday... .

Lifewriter x

[Kwamina]

3 tough rounds but you're still standing! I'm glad you are feeling better today

We are in your corner

[eeks]

I know what the trigger is now. It is waiting for men to contact me.

I can see myself as a child (and feel myself as a child too) standing outside my father's study. I want to go in. I want to be hugged. I want to stop feeling so alone. But, I'm not allowed to go in because mum says dad is working. So I stand outside his study door day after day after day waiting for something that rarely ever materialises.

I carry this pattern through to my relationships as an adult, trying to find love with men who pick me up and drop me at a whim thinking nothing of waiting 4 days or more before bothering to make any kind of contact. So I am constantly waiting, waiting, waiting... .and I feel in so much pain. I am so alone and so isolated and so very sad... .

Hi Lifewriter,

I read this story from your childhood and think to myself, what you wanted from your dad is so... .normal!  Desiring attention, an emotional connection with a parent, this is a normal healthy thing for a human child.  Your father couldn't give it, and neither could your mother, and it can also be true at the same time that the lack thereof hurt you deeply.  Both those things can be true.  You can hold those things in your mind, together. 

Kwamina and Grey Kitty have suggested that you "be gentle with yourself"... .I agree that you deserve it, and I also imagine this is challenging for you, at minimum because this "stance", or way of relating to your own emotional needs, is so opposite to how you were raised.  In your family, you were emotionally neglected, as well as sent the message that self-sacrifice was virtuous. 

So, when you decide to do differently, you are fighting a strong reflexive pull towards protecting yourself (either by feeling compelled to try to get love out of someone who isn't able, or by defensively pushing them away).  It sounds like you feel a great degree of shame and self-judgment about these relationship patterns, and it's "uncomfortable" for you to see a potential resemblance to BPD.  Maybe it will help you feel compassion for yourself if you realize that deep down your "motives" for behaving this way are to survive, and protect yourself... .and even if you find that your particular behaviour strategy for survival and self-protection is not working any more, your original intention was positive and life-affirming.

Someone on my fb just shared this article - www.elephantjournal.com/2016/01/how-i-overcame-relationship-addiction/

This is what made me think of your situation:

Loving myself, as I knew intellectually that I needed to, became a much more interesting ride than I had anticipated. Before this I imagined that giving up relationship addiction would be like a lukewarm bubble bath, sitting alone on a Saturday night trying to pretend that the soak could even begin to compare to real connection and ecstasy with a lover. Instead I found that it was like playing inner “Extreme Games” as time and time again I asked myself, “Am I willing to lose him in order to stay true to myself—even for what seem like a small, perhaps even insignificant part of myself?” And the answer kept coming up, “Yes.”  (emphasis added)

My sense of your upbringing is that you were expected, at what I'll call those crucial "decision junctures", to sacrifice yourself and your needs, that "that's how things are done", "that's how life works", or something similar. 

And so, yes, I think part of your process will be catching yourself when this happens... .including using those 12 tools for "flashback management".  And I also imagine you may continue to experience intense emotions as you go through your process.  I hope we can help you trust that those emotions are a positive sign towards greater "aliveness" and wholeness, even when things are rough. 

   

eeks

[Lifewriter16]

A brilliant article eeks. Pretty much sums up where I feel I am in terms of being truly honest with myself and others about what I want from specific relationships. I have always sacrificed too much of myself for men and found myself in situations not always of my choosing. Somehow, it's very clear to me that I am a relationship addict so it's really affirming that you have posted this article. I'll definitely be coming back to this. I really like the opening line:

"Perhaps addiction can best be defined as compulsively compromising one’s own best interests in favor of pursuing a substance, belief or experience."

Thanks for your post and for walking with me along the current path of my life's journey.

Love Lifewriter

[disillusionedandsore]

Big hug to you Lifewriter.  Emotional flashbacks can be very intense and confusing and as you say feel like you have done three rounds in the emotional boxing ring.  It helps me to know I am healing another piece by listening to and allowing my pain to surface.  Dealing with the swollen eyes from crying so hard is another issue (teabags?) 

I can so much identify with your feelings of helplessness around waiting for attention/praise/affection from Dad and certain men in your Life.  You are not alone anymore  .  Stay strong

[patientandclear]

There's an important difference though between losing a part of oneself to preserve a relationship (unhealthy) versus sticking around to compromise with another human who actually sees and loves us and whom we love (healthy).  In Lifewriter's earlier posts in this thread, I heard her saying she pushes people away sometimes when she feels a threat that later she concludes might not really have been there.

It's important not to idealize pushing people away in service of "loving ourselves."  Compromising ourselves for a relationship (bad) is just one word away from compromising for a relationship (can be beautiful).