Eeks hi
And thank you so much for your help today. Both of your replies have shown me so much about myself. It's like one light bulb after another.
I was feeling like a mystery to myself and maybe I'm a mystery only to myself
You said,
You say you "become obsessed with behaving properly in difficult relationships". Do you think this may be because you are trying to set an example for your partner for how you would like to be treated, hoping he will follow it, and/or trying to "earn" good treatment by being spotless yourself?Yes, you are right, I'm beating myself for failing to include the suboxone clause. I was aware of how people abused suboxone, I was prepared for it. It just never occurred to me that someone would drop the chance of accessing suboxone for good just to be able to leave the hospital at that moment. He seemed to want it so much. This was so out of my expectations. Actually, yes, to stop beating myself up for this (thanks for the encouragement:)) I'll try to think along a new way: I couldn't know this. This isn't his usual addict pattern (he even didn't go after heroin when he was out of the hospital). He just wanted to get out of the hospital. I think he had a BPD/NPD trigger (the hospital worker chucked his truth brush and was thus patronizing to him and he had a rage attack - I don't know how he can get these with so many tranquilizers in his system). And the doctor let him leave so easily - she was very busy at that time and asked him to wait a bit so that they could talk but maybe this was another wound for him. He also stayed there before and had other fights - people are scared of him in hospitals where he is "known". And no, I couldn't have guessed any of this because I didn't know about his disorder. I'll stop beating up myself for it.
As for a parent who criticized me for my inconsistencies, no. My NPD mother very wisely avoids the word "inconsistency", just in case
But you are spot on, as my ex husband said this to me repetitively, constantly, blaming me for my "double standards" - although he had a total of two examples in our 12-year marriage, one of which was a relatively petty thing I too accepted readily. But yes, I think it stuck with me, I remember feeling so guilty about this later. Maybe I learnt to feel guilt about it, it probably has roots somewhere else as well, but inconsistency almost became a taboo. I'm usually OK with not being spotless myself. I readily offer self-criticism due to my fairness fetish actually:)) But yes, I reckon I was trying to be spotless in this inconsistency thing.
Also, because my mother and my significant relationship were built on inconsistency - lives revolving around "I didn't say that" basically- I may be trying to avoid it myself because it is very irritating and at times invalidating - though I long stopped fighting for "establishing" reality with these people. It's almost like I associate that with abuse and was trying not to be abusive myself - though it doesn't apply to my other relationships. Maybe his apparent vulnerability triggered this. Maybe I was trying to treat him the way I wanted to be treated when I was more vulnerable, perhaps as a child. (From now on I'll mother myself through myself:))
And again, you are right. Maybe I was trying to be a good example for the ex because boundaries mean a lot in a relationship with an addict.
I was reading something about positive entitlement in the workshops. Do you think my situation can be interpreted in those terms? I usually don't have a problem with positive entitlement. Do you think your comment about the parent (though it's the ex husband) might be relevant in this sense, too?
Thank you so much for your comments.
P.S. I happen to be a libra as well:))
