foggydew
 Offline
Gender: 
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
Relationship status: widowed/7 years
Posts: 371
|
 |
« on: February 10, 2016, 05:32:37 PM » |
|
Just had a hard look at myself and uBPD person and our situation... and I'm not going anywhere. Was considering on what board to post, after this evening. Just seen undisguised aggression and distance in his eyes, heard it in his voice, seen it in his raised fist. And he calmed down, and I also have to take a bit of responsibilitry. As usual. But in a different way.
We live 3 hours apart, and it has been working well. I come for a couple of days a week. This week, he was again glad to see me, called his best friend, kissed and cuddled, and when I was ill, insisted I stayed all week. First 2 days fine... as usual... then... he began to have problems at work. Tonight he was unpleasant about the food I had organised, though it was what he wanted yesterday. I understood he had had a bad day, told him I could go out if he needed space... he said he didn't want to talk. So I went out to out local coffee bar. There I had to deal with a very drunk man for a couple of hours... hard work. Friend came over, and I, he and another woman in whom he is interested (but who is not interested in him) were discussing something. He told me to keep my mouth shut and leave him alone. Ok. I told him I did not like this way of talking to me. Moved away for a while but the others included me in the conversation again. When we left, he suddenly turned away and disappeared, then called me to ask what I'd like to eat from the local takeaway. We get back to the flat... then it all starts again... he is unpleasant because I left the fridge door open for 2 minutes, and I pretend to hit him, in a friendly, teasing way. Total aggression and distance. He has frightened me a few times over the years, and today was once more. I told him I was sorry he had such a bad day, and friends are there to try and soften such things. After the usual litany of how I understand nothing and always know better, he said he was sorry for being unkind, and went to bed.
And I wondered again about why I am here, why I do this to myself. Then I looked at his situation, as I know it, his own loneliness, his own problems with alcohol and lack of contact, with himself. I see his attempt to be honest, to cope, his inability to improve quickly... .the distance between himself and others... his knowledge of the pain he causes often, of the pain he will recieve... and I know I am not going anywhere. Not yet.
|
