Cannot cope with my Partner 's Behave our anymore

[Tryingtimes]

I cannot cope with my Partner's behaviour any longer.He has no one else as has ostracised everyone and I make allowances for his behaviour, try to understand his I love you, I hate you, but this past fortnight his behaviour has become increasingly erratic and even on the good days, he's not himself, selfish cannot empathise and explodes with rage if he perceives that you are "against" him. He self harms with Alcohol and has been in his own flat as he assaulted me when drunk and psychiatrist told him I had to keep myself and drug resistant epileptic son safe.He has been sober for three weeks now and I think the problem may be that he's actually living through these roller coaster emotions without the safety blanket of an alcoholic stupor. An example.He came up for tea on Monday was ok- is. My son had 11 seizures that morning and had a really bad one and fall when my Partner was there.He helped my son up, got him to bed etc then said" right can you run me home now" I understood that HE couldn't cope with my son and it is a 4 minute car journey and on a bus route that stops outside his flat but it was, no we don't have money to waste on bus fares etc, simply couldn't get that I didn't want to leave my son.I ran him home and he called 3 times, in a state, tearful at times, that he was worried sick about my son. I hadn't slept for 3 days so my coping skills were practically non existent so I  said " look I  know you're worried, you're not here, you know I'm shattered, you're ranting about your noisy neighbour so solution... .come here.You can help and both good get a bit of sleep" He exploded. ... .you flecking b___,  it's all about you, you want ME to leave my nice warm flat just to babysit you, you're on to plums.God you selfish **** I just don't believe it".Well there was the apology call the next morning, I'm in a bad place,  YOU have to make allowances but I'll come over this evening and let you sleep as I'm busy on Facebook and watching tell. OK made allowances,  he came over ( I had to pick him up, even though a half hr walk max) he let me sleep for two hrs then wanted a run home.Next day an emergency scan was arranged for my son at a hospital 30 miles away.Rang  him... .great news, right I'll come up later, stay over to get son up ( he's 30, 10.5 stone, 5 feet 9 and can't manage him on my own and have MS too) then we'll get him to hospital.Well 8 pm came, he still wasn't answering his phone, eventually did and was " What.! I'm watching tell,  what do you want now" Reminded him about coming over and another explosion " You b___ all about you and your son.If I had a cold you'd still say his 10 seizures were worse than me, come over just to help you, where do you get off in your audacity to think I'll live by your terms and conditions " I'm afraid I was crying at this point and he said, look you can't cope and that's not my fault but I will come over and help tomorrow. I'll ring you later to confirm" Well that was yesterday, he never rang, or answered his phone, not even a text last night to ask after my son then a nasty text saying Did you go to the Dr's yesterday and get my sick line,  no I bet you didn't you ******* I won't be paid and it will all be your fault, ___ outta my life you controlling evil b___"  I just can't  cope anymore.He won't take responsibility for any of his actions.Wants me to run about after him, even now on good days and I can't take the hurt and insults anymore.He's  been told he has something wrong with his personality and psychiatrist told me probably BPD and Narcissism  but he stops meds, I don't need them and as for counselling, psychotherapy etc... .he's better qualified than the lot of them. When good a few months back he said all this behaviour made sense, how he alienated friends and family, moved on and repeated same patterns of behaviour,  thank God there may be a reason behind it and he could get help.But he's never said that again. It's everyone else's fault and I should just take it all on the chin.I can't  he's getting worse and no suppirt system, crisis team in place as Dr said that could take up to a year and basically you support him,  you're doing a grand job etc, but I can't I know he doesn't truly mean the things he says, but when all I'm getting is verbal abuse and being blamed for things that happen to him, like he went to shop for cigs and milk, forgot the milk, so I  should've been psychic, knew he was going to shop and reminded him about milk! Is any of this making sense to anyone?

Thanks for readint

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Md993]

It sounds like he has an alcohol dependency problem at least and maybe BPD or other personality issues if so the alcohol could be his way of coping with his erratic emotions. There is a very good introductory book written by professionals called, "Walking on Eggshells." That was the first resource I turned to and it started to all make sense.

[livednlearned]

Hi Tryintimes,

I'm sorry you have so much on your plate, and are struggling on top of your health and your son's health to manage these outbursts. I admire you for heeding advice and taking care of you/your son by asking your boyfriend to find his own place to help minimize the conflict.

People with BPD are extremely sensitive to rejection, and even the slightest change in attention can feel like painful abandonment. Not to make excuses for his behavior, only to try and understand why he cannot think about what you're going through when he is regulating very intense emotions himself.

Sometimes, it can help to discuss boundaries and how you will enforce those boundaries, when he is more grounded and stable. Boundaries can be communicated in ways that are calm and centered, and while this may not completely erase the conflict, it can help make repair and recovery less chaotic and fraught. For example, what would happen if, when you're both calm, you told him that being yelled at is something you find difficult to take when your son is in crisis. Something like, "As much as I want to be present and give you my full attention in those moments, if there is raging, I will hang up the phone so we can cool our jets until the storm has passed. When you are ready to talk in a calm voice, I am ready to talk again."

He likely has self-medicated with alcohol for a long time, and has not only BPD issues, he also has few skills to deal with the intensity of his emotions. This is not likely to change, so he'll need solid boundaries (designed to protect you, not control him) to guide him. Being in separate flats is an important step in that direction.

[Tryingtimes]

Thank you so much for repy. I bought this book when I began to suspect more an alcohol dependance and it has been a great help and describes my Partner to a T. I have tried to set boundaries but they are never adhered to by him and if I refuse to stay on phone when he is abusive, the vile, nasty, abusive messages left for me have left me hurt, angry and scared.

[Tryingtimes]

Hi and many hanks for reply.My Partner had to find a flat as he assaulted me and caused havoc and mayhem when drunk, last year.Of course, whether due to his BPD or alcoholism, ALL this is MY fault. He NEVER takes responsibility for his actions which throughout his life have caused work, relationship, friendship and family problems. He just walks away, moves on and cuts people outta his life.We frequently discuss boundaries, but he never adheres to them and yes, although I understand that to ignore him for a few days, stresses him, once this "storm" is over it is again my fault and he says I should bear with his behaviour until it blows over and to ignore him is me being childish! I met him at our local supermarket last thursday and he didn`t apologise for his behaviour but said that he couldn`t see how upset I was, tired and exhausted etc as I hadn`t pointed this out to him! No use arguing that point, as he simply couldn`t see how tired I was, had lost 2 stone in a matter of weeks, greasy hair etc etc, he just CANNOT see all this. Anyway he said he would have to help more, not be as selfish etc.He rang later to say goodnight but I said I had to go when he began a rant about everything in general.He didn`t ring next morning or show to help with my son and I battled on.I came home for collecting a prescription to a vile, foul mouthd rant... ."see you you wee evil cu**, you ass, I'll get you for what you`ve done to me" a lot more threats and nastiness all lefton my voicemail and which caused my so to have a seizure.He then proceeded to post similar threats and rants on Facebook, txts to my mobile and all seemed to be confabulatory, mixed up in time, place etc and I seemed to be blamed for a fire that he had some 20 years ago and I`ve only known him for 10! The malice and spite in his voice, not to mention the vile and disgusting language has absolutely floored me... .where did all this come from, why am I to blame for everything he perceives as wrong in his life? The really eerie thing is that the post and txts were about ME PREVENTING ALL AVENUES OF COMMUNICATION BETWEEN US WHEN HE AS SO WORRIED ABOUT MY SO TOO... .but he was using his landline and his mobile and pc but insinuating that allthis was somehow cut off! How can you make someone in that frame of mind, so deluded, see sense? I rang an emergency psychiatric helpline and was told to back off like I was doing, that he was paranoid and possibily psychotic an that if the threats continued to call the police... .as if that would help as he has some insight ito his behaviour and is manipulative enough to berate me behind closed doors and remove the posts on FB but then send txts and voicemails instead... .not realising that I can keep them! Of course I had no calls all day yesterday as he will be drunk by now as it is his chosen way of self abusing and he is an alcoholic too. Thse "storms" as I refer to them, have been happning very 2 weeks since late september and always end with him abusing alcohol, after the storm passes and the drinking, you have a few good days in between when you are ordered NOT to talk about what happened... .it`s in the past and I`ve NOT to be a b___ and keep bringing it up, not let him move on... .denial, denial, denial... .I`m at my wits end as I don`t get money til next week, need food etc and cannot cope any longer 

[livednlearned]

I understand.

You can set a boundary (hang up when he is being verbally abusive). You cannot control him (stop him from texting you abusive messages). It is true that we have to do the boundary work because by nature people with BPD have a hard time even understanding what it means for someone to have a separate self, much less what it feels like to have a stable self. He is on a roller coaster and job number one for you is to stay grounded, to not get on it with him.

When you receive abusive messages, it's hard work to depersonalize what is being said. We tend to be triggered by some messages and not others. I think a lot of times, the abusive messages are part of a list and we seem to select which ones hurt us. On their end, they are throwing anything that they hope will stick or get a reaction. I also think the rages/psychosis are so intertwined with emotions that when the emotions cool, so does the reality that went with it. All that is leftover is a vague sense of shame and a limited ability to reflect enough to not only take responsibility, to check impulses when things start to surge again.