Has breaking NC brought any good to you or your exBPDgf/bf?

[Penelope35]

I still maintain that unless a person has decided to completely let go of another, and eradicate them from their lives, for a healthier option ... it isn't NC ... !

This is true but it takes time to get to that point. If I want to be honest with my self I should say I have initiated no contact (and told him so because i felt like it and so that he wouldn't perceive it as ghosting or silent treatment) but a part of me isn't ready to let go completely. I blocked him on all social media but not on my phone. I just have his texts going to a spam folder so that I read them when ever I feel stronger to do so. I still get some texts from him. I even broke no contact (only by responding) a couple of times but I have learned from it. I am definetely in a much better place than I was a month ago. It takes times to get to the point of letting go of hope. It can't happen instantly. But at least by doing this couple of things gave me some distance and lifted the FOG in a big way. The thought of not having him in my life isn't so unbearable any more. It hurts but doesn't cause me despair as it used to.

[Driver]

I don't know if my title-question is clearly understood or not.

When I asked if anyone regretted breaking NC, this underlines this case of scenario:

You are in a relationship with your BPDgf/bf, but at some point the r/s becomes so unbearable (suicide threats, suicide attempts, you get depressed, you feel like a zombie and have become a shadow of yourself, etc.) that you express the wish to break up as you feel there is nothing that can save your r/s any more. So, you break up. Now, as soon as you broke up your exBPDgf/bf hammers you, bombards you with telephone calls, with messages, harasses you, stalks you and it becomes so unbearable that you have no other choice but to initiate NC in order to make all this pressure that you can't take any more stop.

Now, among of you who have lived such a scenario (or similar), after managing to hold on to your NC and after awhile when you felt weak and thought that maybe your exBPDgf/bf changed or came to her/his senses during the NC time, have you broken that NC and if yes, have you regretted it afterwards?

This is the real subject of this thread.

[Bigmd]

In my experience I broke nc 3 months out. It was a moment Of weakness and I had been drinking. I texted and she responded . She didn't want to talk about us or relationship . Told me the door is shut. Couldn't have been colder. This was a woman I left my wife for. Anyway she said we could be friends . It set me back big time. I regretted it and haven't contacted since beginning of oct. I still have bad days here and there and think sometimes about texting. But I don't because nothing good will come of it. If she wanted to talk she can reach out to me. Nc is the way to go if you want to move on . It's not easy. But it is possible.

[Caley]

Penelope,

I liked and related to your post.

In cases where physical abuse has taken place ... adoption of NC, in its purest form ... just seems logical and easy in decision. Emotional abuse, however, is insidious ... and all strategy on the way to full blown NC seems to be a process. A prelude, I guess, to the final, committed decision to adopt NC proper.

Here's the rub though ... what makes a broken nose, or a punch in the mouth more significant than someone repeatedly and knowingly hurting your feelings, breaking your basic human rights or lying, cheating and wilfully distorting your reality, knowingly to hide some pretty shabby and unsociable behaviour? Just because it can't be seen ... doesn't excuse the crime, does it? And, the sooner the adoption of NC the better ... !

Driver,

I believe your survey does answer some questions ... to date, there's a pretty substantive statistical significance; regardless of how NC is understood or quantified. The answer so far is NO ... but what amount of data do you need to collect ... and how will you statistically analyse it given that there is no control group? Superficially it gives an answer but there are too many confounding variables. It isn't going to make it into the annuls of 'Scientific America' and what are you trying to show?

Emotional bonds are tough to break and it seems to me ... that unless you're resolute in the early stages to adopt NC, without the need for understanding and answers as to why ... it is more like a war of attrition of communication and silent separation, which erodes the bond by the very nature of the dynamic, until finally one just doesn't care anymore, has had enough, and the need for closure has no value anymore.

The idea arises whether the concept of NC exists at all when it comes to emotional or psychological abuse.

A good thread.

[steelwork]

Caley, I'd be curious to hear more of your experience if you feel okay about sharing. If not, I totally get that.

(Apologies if this isn't relevant to the topic, but I'd like to understand where you're coming from.)

[C.Stein]

The idea arises whether the concept of NC exists at all when it comes to emotional or psychological abuse.

NC from the "non's" perspective might be considered necessary, however when the coin is flipped and the ex is the one doing the NC (eg. ghosting, deleting, trashing, etc... .) it can be incredibly hurtful to the "non".  Seems to me there is a double standard here.

[steelwork]

The idea arises whether the concept of NC exists at all when it comes to emotional or psychological abuse.

NC from the "non's" perspective might be considered necessary, however when the coin is flipped and the ex is the one doing the NC (eg. ghosting, deleting, trashing, etc... .) it can be incredibly hurtful to the "non".  Seems to me there is a double standard here.

I don't think there's a double standard. I believe there are respectful ways to handle it. If he had said, "I wish no further contact because x."-- i.e. been transparent and acknowledge me as a person -- well, it still would have been a bummer. But it would not be ghosting, which is abusive.

[Caley]

Steelwork,

I've read a lot of your posts and found some gravitas in them. Curious is good ... isn't it?

I'd be happy to share ...

You can private message me if you'd prefer ... that way we wouldn't be disrupting this thread.

C.Stein,

No-one gets to hurt you unless you give them permission to.

[C.Stein]

No-one gets to hurt you unless you give them permission to.

Not following you here.  I never gave my ex permission to hurt me.  The very nature of relationships means people will be hurt at times.  The only way to not "give permission" would be to not get emotionally involved with another person.

[Caley]

No-one gets to hurt you unless you give them permission to.

Not following you here.  I never gave my ex permission to hurt me.  The very nature of relationships means people will be hurt at times.  The only way to not "give permission" would be to not get emotionally involved with another person.

Yes ... I can see this might seem vague.

Can I ask you some questions?

Can you cast your mind back and remember the first time, in your relationship, when you recognised that you felt hurt by your SO's words, actions, attitude or behaviour?

What did you do about it?

Think about it ... you don't have to answer publicly unless you are comfortable with that.

All that is needed is to recognise the first time your boundaries were breached. Did you, at that point, defend your values or did you ... which I suspect you did, give the benefit of doubt?

If you opted to give benefit of doubt (because overly kind people do that) without voicing concern, then you've neglected to defend your values. And, when you neglect to defend your values you give permission to someone to breach your boundaries. Result = hurt.

If you don't stand up for yourself, for what is important to you, your beliefs ... who else is there to do that job? No-one ... you have abandoned yourself in favour of another who might not have your best interests at heart.

You are not here ... experiencing consciousness ... by some mysterious, wave wanding, cosmic mistake. You have at your disposal everything you need to create anything you want.

When you let someone hurt you once ... you can forgive yourself. When you let someone hurt you again and again ... it is because you've given them permission to ... by not defending your rights to be treated with compassion.

[C.Stein]

Yes ... I can see this might seem vague.

Can I ask you some questions?

Can you cast your mind back and remember the first time, in your relationship, when you recognised that you felt hurt by your SO's words, actions, attitude or behaviour?

What did you do about it?

Think about it ... you don't have to answer publicly unless you are comfortable with that.

All that is needed is to recognise the first time your boundaries were breached. Did you, at that point, defend your values or did you ... which I suspect you did, give the benefit of doubt?

If you opted to give benefit of doubt (because overly kind people do that) without voicing concern, then you've neglected to defend your values. And, when you neglect to defend your values you give permission to someone to breach your boundaries. Result = hurt.

If you don't stand up for yourself, for what is important to you, your beliefs ... who else is there to do that job? No-one ... you have abandoned yourself in favour of another who might not have your best interests at heart.

You are not here ... experiencing consciousness ... by some mysterious, wave wanding, cosmic mistake. You have at your disposal everything you need to create anything you want.

I brought up my concerns, both in an extensive email and followed by a discussion.  This happened on every occasion when I felt she stepped across the line ... .until I stopped doing it (the emails), mostly because I grew tired of spending so much time essentially talking to myself and I had withdrawn/distanced myself to the point where some of the boundary busting (ex. suicide threats, breakup threats) just didn't affect me anymore (or at least not consciously).  This is my fault and my responsibility and now I believe these did still affect me even though at the time I am certain I just blew it off (oh this again).   Kinda like crying wolf.

Trust me you, when she seriously crossed the line it was made very clear she had.  She could (and did on several occasions) shove me over the edge and I allowed myself to be someone I am not (eg. an emotionally driven response).

One doesn't (shouldn't) condemn another without giving them the benefit of the doubt at least once or twice.  My problem, and probably the problem of most everyone on this board, is continuing to give the benefit of the doubt when it probably shouldn't have been given.

When you let someone hurt you once ... you can forgive yourself. When you let someone hurt you again and again ... it is because you've given them permission to ... by not defending your rights to be treated with compassion.

I still don't see this as giving them permission, especially when rights were defended and progress was made (to some extent).  I see this more as allowing myself to be continually hurt by remaining in a situation where that potential existed (i.e. any relationship).  In some relationships that potential is just greater than others, like a relationship with someone who suffers from a PD.  The important question to answer in this situation is, does the good outweigh the bad.  In my case it did for the most part, but the bad cut deep and the wounds never really healed before the next cut came.  Also consider the alternative, walking away, was the more painful option at the time.

I don't feel it is wrong to believe in the good in someone, particularly when that good represents a majority not a minority.

[Caley]

I hear what you say C.Stein ... and I experienced something similar. I relate to your point of feeling like you're 'talking to yourself'. It did occur to me that extolling the significance of empathy was fruitless ... and, even trying to do so ... was a red flag.

Is there much difference between allowing and permission?

[Driver]

Driver,

I believe your survey does answer some questions ... to date, there's a pretty substantive statistical significance; regardless of how NC is understood or quantified. The answer so far is NO ... but what amount of data do you need to collect ... and how will you statistically analyse it given that there is no control group? Superficially it gives an answer but there are too many confounding variables. It isn't going to make it into the annuls of 'Scientific America' and what are you trying to show?

Emotional bonds are tough to break and it seems to me ... that unless you're resolute in the early stages to adopt NC, without the need for understanding and answers as to why ... it is more like a war of attrition of communication and silent separation, which erodes the bond by the very nature of the dynamic, until finally one just doesn't care anymore, has had enough, and the need for closure has no value anymore.

The idea arises whether the concept of NC exists at all when it comes to emotional or psychological abuse.

A good thread.

Caley, the objective of this thread is not a scientific one. It's a simple discussion with people who have experienced similar things and who have learned their lessons from the difficult relationships they had. Furthermore, I hoped that by sharing their experience, their stories might help people who are feeling desperate in their relationship.

As far as the survey is concerned, it was pure curiosity from my part, not a tool to measure anything nor to draw any kind of scientific conclusions.

To me, NC is not always a choice, but the only escape from hellish threats, stalking and harassment. And I simply wondered how many of us were in similar situation and if soem of us have already experienced what is like to break the NC after awhile i.e. was it helpful or pointless.

[C.Stein]

Is there much difference between allowing and permission?

It could be just semantics, but in many cases I think there is a difference.  We allow ourselves to be in a relationship that could potentially lead to emotional pain.  This is not giving the other person permission to hurt us but rather choosing to believe more in the potential good rather than the potential bad.  Now when the bad becomes more than the good one might argue the concept of allowing vs. permission are one and the same.

[Driver]

The idea arises whether the concept of NC exists at all when it comes to emotional or psychological abuse.

NC from the "non's" perspective might be considered necessary, however when the coin is flipped and the ex is the one doing the NC (eg. ghosting, deleting, trashing, etc... .) it can be incredibly hurtful to the "non".  Seems to me there is a double standard here.

I don't agree. PwBPD have a serious mental sickness, although you don't see it at first glance. One of the characteristics of that sickness of theirs is that they may experience what is called "splitting". They split you and paint you  black and it is as though you never existed. They simply ignore you or impose ST with no apparent reason other than because of their sickness.

It is unfair to compare it with a situation in which a nonBPD tries everything what's in his/her power to improve the relationship and when he/she sees that nothing helps. When the final option is to leave and the exBPDgf/bf desperately clings on you to the point where you get yourself depressed and mentally and even physically sick, and you know that because of their sickness it is up to us to set the limits, there seems to be no other options left than NC, for their sake and for our sake in order to overcome and to heal when it gets overly toxic.

[Driver]

No-one gets to hurt you unless you give them permission to.

This is simply inaccurate. When you love someone and when that someone betrays you, cheats on you, cuts their wrists, threatens you to commit suicide, ends up in a psychiatric hospital, and what not, what do you do not to get hurt by all these things? Unless you never felt anything for your partner, indeed you don't get hurt. But what kind of relationship would that be then? A platonic one?

[MapleBob]

Can we all agree that breakups are traumatic, relationships end and that freaking sucks no matter what, and that NC is often applied for different reasons in different situations?

No Contact is what was ultimately required with my uBPDex, for both of us. If she truly is BPD (and I think that she is, or certainly displays traits of it), she was acting out of her disease (there's no other explanation), and all efforts to make things better on both of our parts ultimately failed. We still love each other, and there's a lot of grief on both sides, but there's nothing to be done, and being in contact was making things worse. That's my No Contact in this situation, and it might be different for other people in other situations.

[Driver]

In my case, before going NC, I had warned my exBPDgf. I said that I was going to go NC if she one too many times attempted to commit suicide. Especially because she wanted me to be her accomplice! She wanted me to provide her pills from pharmacy. She threatened me to ruin my lifeand my family's members' lives if ever I warned anyone around her of her intention to commit suicide.

So I said to her that I refused to be her accomplice, that I felt unable to help her and that from now I was going to go NC. She tried to commit suicide anyway. She missed. But then she bombarded me with rage for not being there for her and for not answering her any more.

I broke up contact and tried to reason her anyway. But when I broke NC she insulted me with awful words and told me not to contact her or else she'd file a complain to the police. I tried to calm her down, it didn't work. So I went NC. But when I went NC again, she was the one who harassed me, wo stalked me, who insulted me, who threatened me with worse threats.

In any case I felt whatever I did was not good. No help possible whatsoever, and no discussion possible whatsoever.

So, I think once again, it is unfair to compare it with ST. I sometimes wonder if some people do realize what is like to break up with a BPDgf/bf who clings on you in an unhealthy and toxic way?