dealing with my mother, i don't know what to do

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi my name is alex and i've registered on this form because i need help with my mother! I am 100% convinced that she has borderline personality disorder and she's going down a dark path and its putting strain on my father and my brother.

I have a twin sister, a younger brother who has sever autism and needs 24 hour care and my dad. I have moved away from my family to get away from her, i do come back once a month to see my family and she's getting worse.

When i was a child, she was fine. She was a lovely mother, kind, she gave me and my sister everything we could ever want and need. she actually looked after my brother. It wasn't until me and my sister turned about 8 that things changed. she started demanding our love, she never left the house without my dad. one thing she use to always say to us : you love your dad more then me. she made me and my sister feel constantly guilty for loving our dad. but then she stopped caring for my brother, from the age of 8 me and my sister became my brothers full time carers because our mum couldn't cope. she'd yell at him, hit him, leave him in soiled nappies because she was too lazy to go check on him. in fact, she would get angry when when he filled his nappy or when he wanted something. my dad looked after him during the week, she only needed to look after him on the weekend to give my dad a break.

Me and my mother would argue all the time, my dad and sister would just let her horrible behaviour continue where i would constantly challenge her, and tell her how horrible she was. we didn't talk for weeks on end. she even turned violent, when she couldn't control me or when i confronted her on her behaviour and i wouldn't back down she would turn violent. but then the next day, pretend that nothing had happened and would refuse to apologise.

by the time we turned 18, my mum had retired from work. we had hoped that she would look after our brother whilst my dad worked but no so me and my sister had to do something drastic. we wanted to live our own lives, it wasn't our responsibility to look after our brother. we love him dearly but our parents had to learn how to look after him again. so we refused to look after him, we refused to stay in every week end to care for him till our mum had to start looking after him. I went to nursing school, my sister when to uni to do creative writing. things continued to get worse, my mum never left the house, she'd spend all day sat on the sofa on her laptop. she'd never shower, hardly sleep. she'd make us feel guilty for not staying in with her.

by the time we were 20, my twin sister developed epilepsy. the first thing my mother said when we found out what my sister had was: my life is over, i now have two disabled children. my life is over. she also told my sister that if danni ever had a seizure, my mum wouldn't not be able to help her or look after her. by this time, i had moved to plymouth and they were all in bristol. i had to be there for my sister, i was coming down every weekend because my family couldn't offer her support. my dad was busy working and caring for my brother so i was left to care for my sister. my dad and my sister now smoke weed just to deal with her on a daily basis.

when i first moved away, she would ring me every day normally in the evening at 11pm. even when i was on a 12 hour shift the next day, she didn't care and would get upset when i wouldn't answer.

i feel so guilty for how i feel about my mother, i love her and would do anything for her but at the same time i hate her and would quite happily never see her again. the only reason i come back is to see my sister, brother and father. my dad once told me that, when they were on the verge of divorce the only thing that stopped him was that if they did divorce my dad knew that me and my sister would never see our mother.

i'm now 24, i'm living in exeter and working in accident and emergency as a nurse and i'm so happy. but the years with her has taken its toll, i myself have suffered with depression, self harming and suicide in the past but i have now fully recovered and have finally taken the step to get my life back. but my father, sister and brother are miserable and my mother is getting worse. if my dad wasn't in the house, she would starve and die so would my brother. i can't ignore the problem anymore. i'm not sure how to approach her, she's never had a diagnosis and she's very stubborn and doesn't like to be challenged. i want her to get help, when my sister moves out i'm sure my mum will have a break down. so my question is, how do i approach her and get her help?

[lexy3643]

Hi my name is alex and i've registered on this form because i need help with my mother! I am 100% convinced that she has borderline personality disorder and she's going down a dark path and its putting strain on my father and my brother.

I have a twin sister, a younger brother who has sever autism and needs 24 hour care and my dad. I have moved away from my family to get away from her, i do come back once a month to see my family and she's getting worse.

When i was a child, she was fine. She was a lovely mother, kind, she gave me and my sister everything we could ever want and need. she actually looked after my brother. It wasn't until me and my sister turned about 8 that things changed. she started demanding our love, she never left the house without my dad. one thing she use to always say to us : you love your dad more then me. she made me and my sister feel constantly guilty for loving our dad. but then she stopped caring for my brother, from the age of 8 me and my sister became my brothers full time carers because our mum couldn't cope. she'd yell at him, hit him, leave him in soiled nappies because she was too lazy to go check on him. in fact, she would get angry when when he filled his nappy or when he wanted something. my dad looked after him during the week, she only needed to look after him on the weekend to give my dad a break.

Me and my mother would argue all the time, my dad and sister would just let her horrible behaviour continue where i would constantly challenge her, and tell her how horrible she was. we didn't talk for weeks on end. she even turned violent, when she couldn't control me or when i confronted her on her behaviour and i wouldn't back down she would turn violent. but then the next day, pretend that nothing had happened and would refuse to apologise.

by the time we turned 18, my mum had retired from work. we had hoped that she would look after our brother whilst my dad worked but no so me and my sister had to do something drastic. we wanted to live our own lives, it wasn't our responsibility to look after our brother. we love him dearly but our parents had to learn how to look after him again. so we refused to look after him, we refused to stay in every week end to care for him till our mum had to start looking after him. I went to nursing school, my sister when to uni to do creative writing. things continued to get worse, my mum never left the house, she'd spend all day sat on the sofa on her laptop. she'd never shower, hardly sleep. she'd make us feel guilty for not staying in with her.

by the time we were 20, my twin sister developed epilepsy. the first thing my mother said when we found out what my sister had was: my life is over, i now have two disabled children. my life is over. she also told my sister that if danni ever had a seizure, my mum wouldn't not be able to help her or look after her. by this time, i had moved to plymouth and they were all in bristol. i had to be there for my sister, i was coming down every weekend because my family couldn't offer her support. my dad was busy working and caring for my brother so i was left to care for my sister. my dad and my sister now smoke weed just to deal with her on a daily basis.

when i first moved away, she would ring me every day normally in the evening at 11pm. even when i was on a 12 hour shift the next day, she didn't care and would get upset when i wouldn't answer.

i feel so guilty for how i feel about my mother, i love her and would do anything for her but at the same time i hate her and would quite happily never see her again. the only reason i come back is to see my sister, brother and father. my dad once told me that, when they were on the verge of divorce the only thing that stopped him was that if they did divorce my dad knew that me and my sister would never see our mother.

i'm now 24, i'm living in exeter and working in accident and emergency as a nurse and i'm so happy. but the years with her has taken its toll, i myself have suffered with depression, self harming and suicide in the past but i have now fully recovered and have finally taken the step to get my life back. but my father, sister and brother are miserable and my mother is getting worse. if my dad wasn't in the house, she would starve and die so would my brother. i can't ignore the problem anymore. i'm not sure how to approach her, she's never had a diagnosis and she's very stubborn and doesn't like to be challenged. i want her to get help, when my sister moves out i'm sure my mum will have a break down. so my question is, how do i approach her and get her help?

[Turkish]

Hi Alex,

Your mother sounds like she is entrenched as the inter of a dark solar system, with the rest of the family orbiting her to meet her needs. Your brother sounds like he's at the highest risk here.

Getting her help is laudable, but based upon what you describe, she's likely to trigger badly on any suggestions like this. How are social services where you are? Is your brother on their radar due to his disability?

Turkish

[HappyChappy]

Hi Lexy3643,

I’m so sorry to hear about your situation, it must be difficult for you. But if it’s any consolation, the behaviour you describe is very A typical of a BPD. This website should help you understand better, and knowledge is power. You can get validation here as well as tips on how to better cope.

Sounds like you’re a compassionate person by becoming a nurse and caring for your brother. You ,like I, sound like a “rescuer” which is a double edged sword. But does explain why you were the one to challenge your mother’s behaviour. Probably also why you appear to have recovered faster from it’s toxic effect. For which you truly deserve a medal.The fact you feel guilt about how your mother behaves, suggest you should explore the F.O.G. theory.  In that it’s normal to dislike people that denigrate you so why feel the guilt and yet we do.

In terms of aid for someone with BPD, check the NHS statistics on that one, but generally speaking once a BPD gets to an age, they are highly unlikely to admit they have an issues and hence cannot access treatment. However, you can change your perspective on this, you can save yourself and then your in a better position to rescue others. I look forward to hearing more from you, and on a positive note, you do sound very clued up and should be truely proud of such a great achievement i.e. recovering from such a traumatic childhood.

HC  

[lexy3643]

hey thanks guys for your support.

i'm so happy with how my life is going and thankful because it could easily have turned out differently.

My brother is known to social services but my dad is still there so i know he's not in any danger and me and sister already have plans for him. When my parents can't cope he'll either come live with me or my sister but since my sister has epilepsy it'll probably be me. Which i don't mind, he'll probably be happier with me anyway.

Its my sister that i feel sorry for the most, she'll still living with my mother and she's carrying all the hate and anger from our childhood and hasn't recovered. But i'm hoping when she moves out and gets her own life, she'll be happier. moving away has made me and my mums relationship better because i hardly see her so its easier to be around her.

i want to help my mum but i'm not sure what the best way to do that is. its the curse of being a nurse, you want to help and cure everyone. 

[HappyChappy]

Hi Lexy,

It’s great you’re happy with how your life has turned out, that suggests your intuition is good. I remember being elated when I first left home. But we rescuers/fixers do need to be careful not to take too much on board.

It’s also great you’ve planned the care of your brother and support for your sister, very inspiring that you are so clued up. I guess with your mum, could the solution be more about accepting that you’ll never have a mum that care for her kids the way she should have (as with my mum) ? There’s a thing call “radical acceptance” that might interest you. But good to have someone so clued up and positive on the site. I expect that’s a plus if you’re a nurse.