Six years later...

[loveandwhiplash]

    First, I should say that I am in this for life. I take my wedding vows seriously. My BPDh and I have been together for six years and married for three. When we began this relationship, I had never heard of BPD. We were in the car, on our way for me to meet my future MIL, my husband said "Before you meet my mother, I need you to know that she is "crazy" and she's hard to get along with, but I want you to promise me that you'll never fight with her, because that is a bridge that I can burn and rebuild. You can't, and it's very important to me that the woman in my life and my mother have a good relationship." I promised him that I would never get into it with her.

We were together for two years before we committed to  exclusivity and moved in together. It was at this point that MIL and I met. It was witnessing her behavior over the first few weeks of our new life together that first prompted the research that led me here, to this website, and this is where I learned, without a doubt, that BPD was the culprit of the chaotic and strange relationship between BPDh and MIL. The relationship between the two of them had already begun to affect every aspect of my life.

I researched everything that I could find and learned as much as I could learn before I approached BPDh with my discovery. I was excited, thinking that he would be relieved to have answers about what he's suffered through his entire life. I was wrong. He started raging on me before I could get two sentences out. I had still been seeing him through new love's blind eyes. BPD had him too. Due to the fact that a person with BPD MUST feel as if they are perfect, and therefore can NOT accept any type of criticism, my suggestion that something was "wrong" with MIL was taken, by him, as an assault on his own character because he viewed himself as an extension of MIL and MIL an extension of him. Total enmeshment.

BPDh has a nonBPD teenage sister who has learned to survive her family by becoming very cold. She is the "golden child". BPDh is the "black child". He is cold as well. He's said many times that before me, he thought he was incapable of love. Over the years I've lived through and observed the actions of my BPD husband and mother-in-law. I'm painted black most mornings and white again by evening, along with everything else that comes with a life in love with someone suffering with BPD.

BPDh tries to protect me from MIL, but he can't. I've had to learn how to protect myself, my mind, from both of them. I'm nowhere near a perfect person. I'm deeply flawed in my own ways. I'm a self-defeating, sexual masochist... .clinically. My husband is a sadist, sexual and otherwise. This is a complicated and disordered, but very true love that is valued by us both. We're excellent parents to two beautiful children, a pre-school aged son and a beautiful 3 month old daughter. We manage, somehow, to keep them out of all of this... .blind to how sick mommy and daddy are inside. We're six years into this.

I've been coming to this site for nearly as long. I've never talked to ANYONE about ANY of this, except BPDh. He tries so hard, and sometimes succeeds, to control his disorder. Getting him to admit that there was anything wrong with him in the first place took four years. Since then he's been trying to manage himself, but will NOT seek treatment. He and MIL are both undiagnosed, but suffering with severe cases of BPD.

I feel like I might find some type of peace in finally letting some of this out in the open. Thank you all for being here.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[babyducks]

hi loveandwhiplash

I'm glad you've joined us.   It does help to talk.    It sounds like you have a complicated family life.   I know how difficult that can be.    I noticed where you said that you approached your H with the idea of BPD and that didn't go well.   That's happened to a lot of members here.   

how are you doing with some of the tools and skills that are normally recommended for this type of relationship?  validation for instance?   are you able to validate and does your husband respond to that?

what I have found in my own relationship is that if I keep the environment fairly rich in validation about little things, that tends to smooth out the extreme swings that used to be part of our daily life.   

there are unique challenges to being in this type of relationship.  there are ways to make it more manageable.    You said that your husband won't seek treatment, have you ever tried therapy for yourself?

'ducks

[an0ught]

Hi loveandwhiplash,

BPDh tries to protect me from MIL, but he can't. I've had to learn how to protect myself, my mind, from both of them. I'm nowhere near a perfect person. I'm deeply flawed in my own ways. I'm a self-defeating, sexual masochist... .clinically. My husband is a sadist, sexual and otherwise. This is a complicated and disordered, but very true love that is valued by us both. We're excellent parents to two beautiful children, a pre-school aged son and a beautiful 3 month old daughter. We manage, somehow, to keep them out of all of this... .blind to how sick mommy and daddy are inside. We're six years into this.

I believe acknowledgment that one is struggling, some degree of self reflection and willingness to change matter a lot when it comes to improvement over time. As does persistence in the face of what at times seems insurmountable. It is ok to struggle but maybe use your harsh judgment more sparingly. Feeling guilty and shame just serves keeping you stuck and hinders you finding balance. You are only human and you are ok 

I've been coming to this site for nearly as long. I've never talked to ANYONE about ANY of this, except BPDh. He tries so hard, and sometimes succeeds, to control his disorder. Getting him to admit that there was anything wrong with him in the first place took four years. Since then he's been trying to manage himself, but will NOT seek treatment. He and MIL are both undiagnosed, but suffering with severe cases of BPD.

I feel like I might find some type of peace in finally letting some of this out in the open. Thank you all for being here.

and I've been writing for you all the time  . Seriously, you are among many who visit and don't step up but learn from others. That is ok too. On the other hand there is a lot to be gained beyond that by writing your story and helping others.

I hope you continue find the courage to join in once in a while and lend us a hand 

,

a0