Hello,
I've been with my wife about eight years and we have a one year old child. She is exhibiting some symptoms of what seems to be postpartum depression, some of which are amplifications of traits she showed prior to when she got pregnant. Now whenever she gets upset with me, she drops the D-word. As she thinks I wouldn't want custody of our child, she adds that she'll leave me with custody, which strongly suggests she isn't serious with her use of the D-word. I am almost 100% sure she would want custody of our child if there were a divorce. She is a stay-at-home mom and works one day a week.
I have been through all of the above with uBPDw with two children; the worst of times was when she was actually pregnant. There was no doubt afterward that she had postpartum depression, which descended into a period of lunacy so profound it would make your head spin. Generally she was a very good mother during this time -- but I was treated with a level of contempt and disgust and ignored for the most part. There were some bright times, but not many. By the time our second child came along, it was the same story. Eventually that led to our separation (triggered by her incredibly paranoid accusations), but I saw a complete change in her over time and we reconciled. Since that time, she has descended into the depths of blaming me for everything that is wrong with her life and digging up 15-year-old grudges about me or anyone I've ever known. Anytime she gets upset with me, she also uses the D-word, or says she is going to "disappear" with the children, wishes I would just drop dead, etc. and on and on.
At one point about a year after our first was born, she went to her family doctor, who diagnosed depression and prescribed an antidepressant. The effects were immediate and remarkable. It was like the person I met and fell in love with had returned to me. But about a month later, she stopped taking the medication because it made her "feel weird" and back we went into the depths of hell. She refuses to get any sort of psychiatric treatment because she says *I* am the one with the "mental issues."
Not trying to frighten you, but what has helped me hold on has been the following.
Review the chapters on this site to learn how to deal with the irrational behavior. Validation took me a long time to master, but it works for me most of the time now. It took me a long time to realize that uBPDw's bark is much worse than her bite, unless she enlists the aid of one of her enablers (her very similar female family members, who know exactly how to push her into a corner and incite conflict). The most difficult part for me is just realizing that uBPDw is not well and not to take her accusations, insults and threats too seriously.
You also asked,
to what degree would documenting her behavior (and in what manner should it be done) be of help should she decide that divorce is the way to go?
It's VERY important. I started a daily journal of her actions about a year before we actually separated. It helped me recognize and prepare for her mood patterns, which follow a common path depending on the time of month or time of year. When I finally hired an attorney when uBPDw filed for custody (she refused to let me see the children at all at first), my 18 months of documentation were very useful for the attorney.
Since we reconciled a number of years ago, I have relegated myself to dealing with the problem rather than getting upset, jumping into a confrontation with her, and then shutting down. I have learned to find my own happiness and realize that she can't change that, nor will I allow it.
