Thank you Scarlet Phoenix!
I did not respond even though I would really want to talk to her, without faling into JADE. I won't disturb her peaceful, insightful vacation time.
I'd want to ask why did she bring "us" up? talking about this subject never worked in the last months. I say "We don't have to be clingy and dependent and feel locked up in a traditional r/s" And she'd say "we'd only spend time together, be clingy, too close, dependent." It's always circular. Even though the idea of a non-traditional, possibly slightly "open" r/s is intriguing to her.
I'd want to ask if she brings it up because she is (considering) (now, once more, finally, for real?) breaking up with the other guy.
I'd want to ask why she brings up me finding somebody new, when one of the last things I said to her was I'm not really looking for a new relationship any time soon. That is true because It wouldn't be fair to anybody new and I still love her madly.
I'd just want to tell my little girl, that everything is alright.
I just want to give her flowers and chocolates and ask her to see a show with me and not think about anything but the present moment.
Today I managed to get out of bed with the thought "If it's not going to be her, then somebody 'better' will come along." Of course I love her and tricked myself with this, but what can I do?
I looked in the mirror and thought "Two weeks not drinking, better diet, almost daily workout... .it's working. She'll be stupid if she doesn't want me"
I know I'm supposed to be strong, but I basically spent 2 days straight crying since reading the email. (Even though it's old news)
Now I'm sitting here with my morning coffee and I'm sobbing again.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z8N0_p6kZ9UI know it's her truth and it is coming from somewhere "I don't want to get back together with you" But we never really tried a real relationship after our awesome honeymoon time. So there is no knowing what "back together" means. We have no idea if and how a relationship with us could work. We both like each other a lot, have the hots for each other, and are compatible in things we like to do.
It was so short but the best time of my life, I'll just pretend it never stopped
I'm not planning to contact her. Maybe she will contact me some time after she's back. We will run into each other anyways.
Maybe we can continue to build up our friendship which was looking just so great.
If she doesn't contact me, she'll slowly fade into bittersweet paradox memories. (whuch hopefully one day won't make my heart jump out of my chest in joy only to suffocate within a second)
But I think we're not done yet
.
I know we're very special to each other.
I'm hanging in there, thank you.
I just love her very much