Can we talk about Parental Alienation?

[LilMe]

I am living with my uBPDh and the children and I are struggling.  I often overhear them trying to figure out ways we can leave  :'(  I have a very close relationship with my 7 and 8 year old.  uBPDh talks bad about me to them every day.  He tells them not to listen to me, I am stupid, an idiot, a b****, and on and on.  He even does it to our 1 year old!  It is very hurtful to them.  They will not tell him it is hurtful as he will rage at them and say verbally mean things to them (and he is blind so he can't see their faces and silent tears when he is doing it). 

He used to do this to his daughter about her mother and aunt when she was growing up.  After I complained, he only did it when I wasn't around.  His daughter treated her mother badly when she was younger and now as an adult, has cut off all ties with her father.

I would love to hear how you all deal with this.  Is there any way to document it?  I try to record, but it is hit and miss.  I am keeping a diary now.  And how I can be sure not to do it myself?  I always try to just validate the children's feelings and let them know specific behaviors are not their fault and not bad mouth their father.  I want them to have a good relationship with him, but he is so manipulating and mean.  It breaks my heart for them!  I know how it feels as my father was the same way.

[SamColt]

Hello LilMe,

Your post struck a very familiar chord with me. My ex-wife treated me the same way in front of our children for years and later, as they became older and more independent, she would rage at the older children in front of the younger children. For years I struggled with many of the same questions and frustrations you have. My advice, for what little it is worth, would be as follows:

1. Know that you are sane and work with every ounce of your will be to the safe, loving, trustworthy parent your children can turn to for emotional and psychological reassurance that they're not bad children, that their father's behavior is his own doing and that they are not at fault. Now that my children are older, they all tell me that I have been the immovable rock & lighthouse in the stormy seas of their childhood - that it was my calm demeanor and refusal to let my emotions get the best of me that helped them to get through scary, uncertain times. Your children need you desperately! They are keen observers and know deep down who the safe and stable parent. They may not be able to verbally express that now, but in their hearts and minds they know it!

2. Make time for yourself. Take the children someplace safe and give yourself the time and space to decompress and let your mind and soul be at peace. Do NOT isolate yourself from friends and family but engage and surround yourself with healthy, positive relationships, people who know and value you. Do stuff with your sister(s), girlfriend(s), mom, whomever you trust and will validate that you are a good mother and person.

3. Staying physically fit will help you immensely! I can't stress this point enough. I resorted to moderate drinking for some time and it did me no favors. Once I started exercising regularly (even if it's just walking), you will feel worlds better - mentally, physically, emotionally!

4. Install a recorder on your smart phone and record every instance (as best you can) in which your husband is blowing up at you and/or the children! Then back those recordings up in the cloud and do not share the PW with anyone. You'll want this as evidence if the police are ever called to your house, for future court proceedings (child custody), etc.

5.Get out of the relationship at your earliest convenience! I waited until my ex got physically abusive with my children before I finally told her she had to go and get help. She then decided to divorce me. It scared the hell out of me at first and then I realized I was finally free of the madness and suffering. Do it! The sooner, the better. If you have to let others in on your "secret", do it ahead of time so they're not surprised when you finally pull the plug.

6. Tell the children every day that you love them, that you would do anything to protect them, and that they mean the world to you. Remind them that each individual is responsible for his or her own behavior and that they're good children, deserving and worthy of love and respect.

7. If he threatens you or the children physically, start a paper trail with the authorities so there is a record should he carry out his threats. Then LEAVE!

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but I waited far too long. My children, thankfully, are very happy and well balanced, but they wish I'd separated long before. I wish you and your children peace, contentment and happiness.

[LilMe]

Welcome SamColt and thank you for the thoughtful response.  It helps me feel I am on the right path.  I left once, but he hired a lawyer and I didn't have money to get one so I signed a 50/50 custody agreement.   The children were not doing well with spending that much time alone with him and I found out I was pregnant so I came back.  

Tonight my 13 year old daughter from my previous marriage attempted suicide She wants to live with me but can't because of my uBPDh. She will be OK physically, but I must find a way to get us all safely away.

[Turkish]

Hi LilMe,

Have you looked into connecting with local domestic violence for support? It would also be another way to document what is going on. The call can be anonymous. There are a lot of things in play here, and it helps to come up with a safety plan:

Safety First

It sounds to me like you are isolated, but there is help out there.

Are your adult children able to lend support?

Turkish

[LilMe]

Thank you Turkish. The Safety document will be helpful. I will carefully go over it tonight.

My grown children are very supportive. My children are what keep me going. Two of them are at the hospital now and keeping me updated. She should be OK and now will get the medical care and counseling she needs.

I have been to counseling at our local shelter and know the director. They are kind and I can go there anytime I need to.  But if I leave here, I must comply with the custody agreement. My son 7 asked yesterday if the children and I could move away and all come back together for visitation days

[Turkish]

It's good that your daughter is safe, under care, and has support 

Has the local.shelter been able to connect you with legal resources?

I can understand why you wanted to go back: to protect your children. Due to the custody agreement, you may be in a bind. From a CPS perspective, if it were to come to that, keeping the children safe is a parent's responsibility. Obviously, we can write off their father, even if it's "only" verbal and emotional abuse.

The kids are of school age. Can they talk to a school counselor? This may be a way of removing yourself from the situation legally. Once that door is opened, it's not likely to be shut, however. The DV shelter director has likely dealt with similar situations. What does she say?

[LilMe]

They are homeschooled.

We live in a small, rural county. Very good ol' boy legal network that uBPD has connections in. At the shelter they told me stories of women who lost custody to the abuser. But I have been reading and  researching and keeping a list of ideas that will help my case. There is legal aid, but they normally only help defend if you are served and are overworked and very particular in who they help. I was turned down for help with the initial parenting plan.

[Turkish]

Now that you mention it, I recall from your previous posts maybe a year or so ago. I'm from a small mountain county in California, and even though it's been gentrified a bit since I left over 25 years ago, there is still the good ol'e boy network and small town politics.

SamColt had some good ideas about documentation (not to mention trying to find time for self-care), and it's good that you are keeping a diary. It could be legally admissable evidence if it comes to that point.