On the edge

[RAwarrior]

 Just found this forum... .hubby seems to be BPD.  To tell him would incite his rage.  I"m not afraid... .but my daughter is still young enough to be impressioned by his inability to control his words and emotions.  She often wonders why he hates her.    Poor baby.  Sometimes he's gorgeous, sweet, etc, and then he just FLIPS!  If I even make one sound of something... .like I dropped a pen, a tut a groan, he starts carrying on... .I have to tell him... .It's NOTHING... .gawd... . EVERYTHING is exaggerated.  He is hurtful at times, and I would escape except for the stability of the life of my child.  It's so tough.  He is HORRIBLE to both of us, then turns around 2 minutes later... .without apologising mind you, and just acts all sweet again.  It truly does my head in,  When I tell him to leave me alone, I'm not over it after 2 minutes... .he starts attacking me (verbally).  I'm "mental"  I need "Help"  I have something "really wrong" with me... .blah blah, on it goes... .not sure how much more I can take.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[EmotionalWarfare]

Hi  RA and welcome,

I am not very new here.  I been reading and learning from a safe distance from all these brave people here for about 3-4 years.  I have now began to post.  It helps more than just reading.  When you're caught up in the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt that the pwBPD use to manipulate and control) it helps very much to share your experience here that you're living.  You will receive valuable insight that is hard at times to accept or see and you will receive warm support and refreshing e-hugs  

You may find yourself on a roller coaster of emotions  now that you have identified BPD traits.  It's ok.  :)on't let your heightened emotional state fuel any part of the rage or dysregulations.  You may become emotional as you sort through all this and come to terms with his condition.  I did.  I cried a lot and also spent periods of anger and increased resentment.

How long have you and your hubby been married or together?

It's so good that you have identified BPD traits.  This is huge and will help you tremendously!  Good job

I have been married 21 years.  My discovery of BPD only happened 3-4 years ago and there was 2 years of denial for me.  Since I have read many threads here and found much help in the lessons section here. (which is a great place to start)  It helps to learn what is driving his behavior, how to set boundaries, how to NOT JADE to make things worse(which I am still guilty of at times. JADEing=justify argue defend explain why you did whatever it is that's seemingly causing the rage)  It helps to try to identify the source and validate his feelings  but not to accept blame or fault that is not yours.  I used to apologize for everything and was not even sure most of the time what I was apologizing for.  :)on't do this.  My common response was "Whatever it is, it's all my fault and I'm sorry."         This life can make you ill.

My wife can too be extremely nice/mean and switch to either in the blink of an eye.  This is the jekyll and hyde.  They often think in black or white.  All good or all bad, no middle ground.  My wife has ruined my self esteem, self confidence, and has controlled me way more than I ever should have allowed because I was "trying to keep the peace" etc.  This is my fault.  I never should have forfeited my health, my control, given up my personal boundaries, and I should have never "rented space in my head" to such an unworthy tenant.  I have recently evicted her.  I am reclaiming my boundaries, I don't JADE, life is improving.  I also do not participate in her attacks.  I don't give her the response she needs to control me and make sure she stays in my head and in control.  I also do not let her bash me relentlessly anymore.  She gets to say a couple remarks and if it is rude, hurtful, non-productive, or mean, then I say "I can not allow you to treat me this way.  It hurts me.  We can talk about this in ___ minutes if you like.  I'm going for a walk(some activity, etc)  I'll be back in 30 minutes.  This will allow you time away and protect you from hurtful unproductive soul crushing rants but it should do it in a way not to invoke fear of abandonment.(which is a key feature and driver of outbursts for a pwBPD)

All of this is interventions that work.  I learned them here!  Because trying to use logic, reasoning, and real emotional responses get you  no where fast with pwBPD.  It took me a while to accept my role and learn to be better.  But I'm glad I did.  You can improve your situation too.  I have never mentioned BPD to my wife.  She would flip for sure.  You can do what you choose in that arena but my point is:  You can regain control of yourself and improve your relationship whether or not he knows anything about BPD and what you know.  I often feel my wife would just become better at manipulation and control over me if she knew what I was doing or knew about BPD and my tactics.  She would pick up on what I am doing then I'd have to find new ways to help.  Sometimes them not knowing is best, but that is up to you.

Spend a block of time in the lessons section.  Learn what BPD is, what drives them, Why the react the way they do.  It helps!

And most importantly---->  Learn what you're doing to fuel the insanity.  This is so helpful when you are able to remove this from the dysregulation cycle!

It's very nice to meet you!  God speed to you!

[iluminati]

Welcome!

I think the first thing you need to do is to take care of yourself and your issues.  Find a way to set boundaries on his acting out, and what you'll engage with.  Do you have any issues in particular that you need to deal with off the top of your head?

[an0ught]

Hi RAwarrier,

When I tell him to leave me alone, I'm not over it after 2 minutes... .he starts attacking me (verbally).  I'm "mental"  I need "Help"  I have something "really wrong" with me... .blah blah, on it goes... .not sure how much more I can take.

really understandable   to tell him. Unfortunately he will struggle to listen. As challenging as it sounds - and it took me months on the site to gear up to it - the way to change the broken patterns in the relatonship starts with yourself. It won't be without some conflict but the boundary workshops will help you minimizing risk and upset.

Often the first step here is growing awareness of the emotional sea-saw in the relationship and getting a handle in our role in it. Learning what validation truly is, learning to listen properly and express validating thoughts (to surprise of many newcomers often not so sugary thoughts) in a well targeted manner can do a lot to regain your footing. As does exchanging and engaging in similar stories here.

For reading start with the LESSONS post at the top of the board. But don't take it as a substitute for posting. BPD isolated and the community can be an important force in your corner!

,

a0

[waverider]

Good advice from the others.

A simple principle to keep in mind is dont be reactive, most of this behavior is reoccurant, save up a considered response for next time.

As far as getting over it is concerned emotions take time to work themselves out (ramp down). pwBPD dont get over it even though they seem to they simply switch it off and shelve it. This is why some time down the track it is pulled of the shelf at a moments notice and its just as intense as it was when it was first filed away.

When a similar emotion is triggered all these past examples that match are pulled out of the memory to compound and validate the emotion of the moment. Hence you dont get a rockfall you get a landslide of reaction.

A lot of it is speaking frustrations out aloud without any empathy for the harm that can do. Reaction creates a counter reaction, which leads to a counter reaction to the counter reaction, and so on until it has gone completely off topic. You need to not board that train its going nowhere good.