Suspect my wife has BPD and my mom NPD, trying to save my marriage

[w9isgrate]

I've been married for 10 years. I always suspected my wife has BPD. I cant say for sure because she hasn't gone to a mental health pro to be evaled. We have 3 kids, two girls and a boy. The latest trouble started about 1 year ago, my wife stopped taking her SSRI meds. She started going out allot, 2 or 3 nights a week to bars, and 2 or 3 nights a week to a friends or a bookstore etc. Her anxiety got allot worse. She says she "found herself", and is trying all different endeavours (golfing, politics, committees, pto). She decied to get plastic surgery to fix a scar on her butt, which she paid for with a credit card she opened in my name (not known to me). She also ran up a $15K spending spree (for the most part throughout the marriage she has always had late bills, bills she didn't plan for etc every single month, which I have had to take up the slack for every time, after a while it just overwhleming). I got real angry with her, we fought allot. She threatened to divorce me and that caused me to act like a jerk back.  We were headed str8 for divorce. I decided to just stop the nonsense and I want to repair the relationship. I want her to realize her issues as well, but she sees it as I am the only issue (admittedly I have emotional problems from my NPD mother).  I see a counselor and he tells me my wife may have BPD. My wifes mother took her to a counselor when she was in her late teens and that counselor thought she had BPD (my wife told me this). I saw another counselor during another crisis in our marriage and he thought the same thing. My wife has been sexually abused by a family member, raped, gone through a near death situation and PTSD, has the extreme anger at minor events, fluctuates between i love you and i hate you, likely has ADHD (very difficult for her to stay on task), and terrible anxiety. These are the hallmarks of BPD (from what I've read and counselors told me). I want to help her, and help myself. I want us to both be better. Right now my wife sees me as the whole problem (occassionally she admits her issues). She is having trouble getting over the hard time we had this summer with the spending fights and plastic surgery and going out. On top of it we have all the regular stresses of a home, kids, my job, family, and in-laws. I see her as physically beautiful, and I can see the hurt girl inside her tought exterior and I want to take away the pain and be happy together.    

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[AlexAid]

Hi there.

You need to keep perspective.

She did hurtful things to you too. You did not deserve for her to waste your money. That cannot be blamed on anything you did.

I would guess that if you tell her that you are so impressed that she found herself and that you are inspired and want to find yourself as well that she will suddenly start having personal problems that only you can fix, or else a laundry list of privileges you already have.

We just can't seem to let go. We feel flawed, that our BPD spouse has rescued us and teaching us how to be normal.

Whatever you do,  fight hard to keep your identity.