Rollercoaster friendship

[PinkPoker]

Deep down I wish I never met this man and then I wouldn't care!  ;-(

There are so many issues:

We've got close but then there's the lies and I'm just so honest I hate being lied too.

He's told me he's seeing a psychiatrist once a fortnight but he's only agreed to see her if they do shopping and for lunch rather than in a clinic. I'm just not convinced... .Would this be ethical?  Also not even in the same county to where he lives... .

None of his family are speaking to him & he says he's not bothered and it's all down to one person making up lies about him and he's taking them to court for slander etc... .(I don't believe a word of it).   Although I do believe he's really angry because in his world the reason why they are not talking to him didn't happen. I've experienced first hand the way he changes events to where he is the victim. Where things didn't happen the way other people say they did.

Hes told me he's not taking all of his medication because he doesn't want to become a zombie he knows my feelings on this... .

Anyway right now we've fallen out again!  He played the victim card told me he was ill so would be staying at home & wouldn't be good company. I msg. Him later on in the day to see how he is and he doesn't answer so I msg "answer or I will come round " he replied and basically he went out drinking with mates.  Which is fine but why does he have to lie and make out the next day it's all in my head and I'm reading into things.   

He's told me he doesn't like going out at the moment and I'm pretty much the only person he sees and then he does this and I question everything he tells me.  He loses his rag because say I don't like being lied too and give examples and now he's told me to never contact him again so I haven't.   He's not blocked me on FB (I was tempted) actually since this has happened and why I'm writing he's not turned up to something he normally goes to or answered calls from other people. He's not been on FB (he posts a lot) he seems to have disappeared.   Yes I probably did invalidate him... .I didn't say you are a liar I just said I didn't like being lied too. But as above in his head he probably thinks he hasn't.

He knows other people disapprove of him and our friendship and that could be partly why he's upset and angry but I can't have a friendship where it's based on pitty & lies. I'm

Trying so hard to be strong by now I've normally given in, messaged and apologised.

Right now I'm not sure what to do.

He also tells me other guys who like me only want me for one thing but he also says he doesn't fancy me.  However he's very much against anyone who does fancy me!

I am worried because I do care & if anything was to happen to him no one would know for days, Maybe weeks.    The day before this all blew up he told me he liked the new me "being direct" not asking if he wants to meet but telling him "I will see you At such and such". So contradictory!


Any advice gratefully received... .

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[sweetheart]

Hello PinkPoker,

There's so much going on in your life that revolves around this friend. ( I've had a read back from your intro here ) It sounds like this man takes up a lot of emotional space for you and yet this still isn't enough for him.

It's like he's saying through his actions 'I'm not sure I want to be friends, but I'm sure I don't want you to be involved with anyone else, just in case... .I change my mind.' Of course this is very typical of the push/pull dynamic that exists within all BPD relationships. It sounds like it's very hard for you being his friend.

I wonder what do you want from this friendship, what keeps you invested, and how would you like to improve things with him?

[PinkPoker]

Hi,  thank you for your reply... .

I feel perhaps he's too scared to be more than friends with me because of his fear of getting that close to someone could leave him hurt.   

From my perspective I am emotionally drained by him and it doesn't matter how kind or helpful I am he can still turn so cold and I know deep down I need to be stronger and I have to stop letting him think it's okay to treat me the way he does.

What's in this for me? Not much. If my head ruled I'd have run a mile a long time ago but something deep within me, feelings which I can't control won't let go. I know I could fix things with him if I validated his feelings & I'm trying so hard to resist but as the days go by I find it harder and harder. Even though he's not at times it feels like he is a part of me so when we don't talk something is missing. I know this is unhealthy and I know it's wrong... .

If only I felt the way about him about someone else. ;-(

[sweetheart]

Well you're here on Improving  so at least by acknowledging what you want from the relationship hopefully will help you understand what makes it hard for you to let go of.

I'm going to post the link which is members of this forum talking about push/pull behaviours in their relationships, and their part in that exchange, https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=99725.0.

It's not a huge read but it might help you start to reframe how you manage what he does.

Where are things at for you today, does he know how you feel about the friendship and what you really want from it? 

[PinkPoker]

I wanted to help him. As my friend said you can't fix everyone and that's exactly what I was trying to do.   When we get on well we get on really well. Part of my problem is trusting him and he gets frustrated because I don't trust him but he doesn't understand it's because of his lies and how he turns on me when we go through this stage.  His behaviour has made me wary about getting close to him.   

We are not healthy for each other but he has no one. I can't help but worry & care and I guess he knows that and plays on it.  This is why I'm trying to be strong (going no contact) as he's requested and try & not let him think I'm bothered. 

If he could take responsibly for things and stop reinventing his own version of events he'd had family and friends.  I'm too afraid of him to push him because IF what his family say is true he can be psychically and verbally abusive.

[divina]

From my perspective I am emotionally drained by him and it doesn't matter how kind or helpful I am he can still turn so cold and I know deep down I need to be stronger and I have to stop letting him think it's okay to treat me the way he does.

What's in this for me? Not much. If my head ruled I'd have run a mile a long time ago but something deep within me, feelings which I can't control won't let go. I know I could fix things with him if I validated his feelings & I'm trying so hard to resist but as the days go by I find it harder and harder. Even though he's not at times it feels like he is a part of me so when we don't talk something is missing. I know this is unhealthy and I know it's wrong... .

I read your post, (but not the others) and it's as if I could have written this at some point during my rollercoaster ride.  I was told by a therapist this is an issue about control, not his control, but hours.  I've been digging into myself and trying to figure out how and where this is about control.

The best I could think of is by holding on to him, it's a security blanket to prevent me from going into unchartered waters with others, because those others may be unsafe and hurt us... .except this known water is also unsafe for us... .but it is also a known danger, not an unknown.  As I said on my yet to be answered post, it's not about having the last word about the end of the relationship, but having ANY word at all. 

[PinkPoker]

Hi thanks for your post and I read yours and yes you're right it's not about the last word.  The whole reason we are not talking right now is because I voiced my opinion (god forbid) and he couldn't handle it.  We only get on if I don't question why he does certain things or why I feel like I've been lied too.

I need to have boundaries because it's the lack of them has led me to being a doormat and he knows he can walk all over me. That's why this time I'm

Trying to be strong.     

Control? He's probably the most controlling person and I know.   I don't seem to like 'nice guys'.  It's like a codependency thing and i confuse love & care with control.    It's like I chase him because I need his approval but really this is so messed up and wrong. 

It frustrates me that I can see what the problems are but I try to disregard them.  I know I need to work on myself and it's so hard isn't it?    Sometimes as I said before your feelings rule your head and you know you're going to get hurt but you do it anyway!

[divina]

Hi thanks for your post and I read yours and yes you're right it's not about the last word.  The whole reason we are not talking right now is because I voiced my opinion (god forbid) and he couldn't handle it.  We only get on if I don't question why he does certain things or why I feel like I've been lied too.

I've been lied to about things that were so obviously false.  We just pretended to believe it, knowing both of us did not believe it.  Whatever it took for him to not have to talk about something uncomfortable or something that would demand accountability.

I need to have boundaries because it's the lack of them has led me to being a doormat and he knows he can walk all over me. That's why this time I'm

Trying to be strong.     

That is why I stopped talking to him.  It isn't as if I changed my number or anything... .the door is open.

Control? He's probably the most controlling person and I know.   I don't seem to like 'nice guys'.  It's like a codependency thing and i confuse love & care with control.    It's like I chase him because I need his approval but really this is so messed up and wrong. 

When he gave me the silent treatment, my entire self esteem plummeted. My entire relationship with him was about seeking his approval when frankly, given the circumstances of our interpersonal relationships, he should be seeking my approval.  But when someone triggers your abandonment fears, you start to do things you would not ordinarily do. And yes, at least with my 'friend' he is the most controlling person I know. He just doesn't seem to have it in him to let someone else have a piece even once in awhile. But giving him what he wants doesn't make him respect me anymore. So it's a no win situation. You set boundaries and they can't handle it, if you don't, they don't respect you and they disappear anyway.  I guess it's a choice of what we would rather have, self-respect or not. Nothing we do is going to keep them in our lives so we might as well have self-respect.

It frustrates me that I can see what the problems are but I try to disregard them.  I know I need to work on myself and it's so hard isn't it?    Sometimes as I said before your feelings rule your head and you know you're going to get hurt but you do it anyway!

I read this is because we haven't healed are core wounds, and core wounds are not about logic but go much deeper.

[PinkPoker]

Well after foolishly apologising at the weekend and with no response. I said at the end of my message if he didn't reply I'd got the hint and wouldn't contact him again.  After much procasteration I have blocked him on FB. I was scared about the consequences but strangely now doing so I feel slightly better about it all.   I won't see any of his passive aggressive posts or no he's been online when he's ignored me so now there is nothing to trigger me.

I appreciate its only day one. I have told a friend and said I will need you when I'm not feeling strong to support me because I know at some point he's going to come back. He's going cry and tell me he has no one like he did last time and I need to be ready to say no!


You are so right about the approval thing! Bang on... .He's always bad mouthing guys who like me. But why is it they like me? Well he can't handle it and says I'm stupid and naive and the guys only want me for one thing.  Trying to make me feel small & worthless.  I don't need people like that in my life.  I just need to keep telling myself that.

I really hope I have the will power for this no contact.  Its going to be tough because he can ring me at work or even come in (he has before)... .We have the same circle of friends so I will have to be prepared to see him sometimes. These kinda things worry me because I'm not a strong confident person and he'll know how to hurt me.