Shame phase

[blackbirdsong]

Hi,

I am currently in the 'shame phase' of my recovery.

I will try to explain this definition of mine. 

So, I am now reviewing my relationship with my dBPDexgf and I am more concentrating on my codependency issues.

For example, last few days, I am reading our text messages from the very beginning of our r/s. I noticed I constantly apologized for the things that I didn't cause. 

In cases when she felt bad, anxious, triggered by stuff that shouldn't be triggering for someone with relative emotional stability, I usually (not every time, but too much times) apologized and promised that I will react differently in similar situations.

So, from the beginning I actually supported this irrational behavior because of my codependency traits.

Now, I feel really ashamed by reading those messages and by revoking our conversations. This was my first real relationship and I believe a part of this behavior is caused by that fact but I also know that I need to solve my codependency issues. Right after our r/s I started therapy and think that this goes in very analytical direction and I am recognizing a lot of issues that I can improve.

Did you also experience this type of 'shame'? I mean, for some of those messages, if someone else - 3rd party person, outside of our relationship, reads - this person would think I am a major screw up. I fought too many times against me, when I didn't do anything wrong. I feel some mixture of anger/shame because of my reactions. 

I don't want you to consider this as venting topic or that you need to reassure my that I shouldn't be too hard on myself. 

I am really working on myself, learning not to be too harsh on my actions. I am learning and believe that I am actually developing this sense of self-loving and establishing my own personal boundaries.

I am just wondering do you also experience this type of feeling?

I mean, when I try to review actions and events from our r/s - I froze sometimes and ask myself: "Wow. Was that really me? Did I really do/tolerated that?"

And you know what, regarding our BPD partners. I really think that, as she was toxic to me, I was also toxic to her. Because my codependency definitely triggered instability in her.

Just consider this. If you have a kid - what is better for this kid... .To have a parent that is responsible with firm boundaries that will provide stability or a parent who will allow anything to his kid (and believing that he/she loves his/her kid by doing that) 

[anothercasualty]

Right there with you! Be sure not to over-analyze and take on too much responsibility while you are looking for your part.

I too have to face my codependency issues and why did I allow her to get away with not acting right throughout the relationship. This was the first romantic relationship that I have not had strong boundaries and let her walk all over me (I am in my 40's and have had several long term relationships). What is it about me that allowed this?

And, yes, I thought I was helping her, but in the end, I was just as toxic for her as she was for me.

Keep on going Blackbird! You are doing awesome!