Losing my resolve with NC

[divina]

After two and 1/2 months of silence, I feel like I have lost my resolve to set a boundary.  I am second guessing myself since I decided after the fourth day of no return message from him, and him ignoring me blatenly on Facebook, that I would not keep trying.  (Was I being too hard on him after four days only?)  :)uring that time, I learned that he had ghosted me while he pursued a romantic interest who lives 800 miles from us.  From what I've seen of her, she's 100% gaga in love with him and doesn't stop broadcasting it.  He has not expressed how he feels other than allowing her to tag him in a photo and allowing it on show on his wall.  (It's a photo of him, one of the few of him where it's  photogenic. So I'm not sure if allowing it on his timeline is an expression of her words in the caption, or simply an expression of liking a very good photo of himself.  I suspect the latter, but how can I know.)

Anyway, it's been a long time. I know that he is not one to ever admit fault or apologize. Even if he does miss me, and I don't know if he does, he would never call me because he would have too much 'spaining to do, or at least he thinks he does and those scenarios make him very uncomfortable.  On the other hand, he may not be thinking about me at all, and things might be going well with his new flavor of the quarter. (his relationships from my observation last between 3-6 months.)  The third scenario is he has finally met his mommy figure that will fill that gaping hole in his heart that no one else can seem to fill, not even me.

Anyway, I'm rambling.  I'm ready to break no contact and thusly, break my boundary that I was trying to set.  There is a control issue going with me. It's not that I have to have the "last" word, but I'd like to have some, any words before just never speaking again.  

Right now, the only thing I do is say, get through this another week.  And then another week and so on.  If I get through the end of March it will be a full 1/4 of a year.

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[Daniell85]

What would you like to say to him? It sounds like you are seeking closure.

[divina]

What would you like to say to him? It sounds like you are seeking closure.

I don't want to say much because I don't think I would make a lot of headway if I trigger his defenses.  He can be very mindful but it's about how he is approached.

So it would be something like,

"You know, I love you and will always love you no matter what.  But a friendship with you is not mandatory for me to love you.  I would prefer not to lose each other, but these matters must be mutual.  You deeply hurt me and just so you know, it's not about you getting your d*** wet elsewhere.  However, I don't think outlining my feelings at this moment will be productive because it could trigger your defenses and nullify my voice.  Instead, I ask you to put yourself in my shoes and think about Trust, Validation, Stability and Respect.  When you are ready to resume any relations at all, talk to me about it because in order for us to be on friendly terms, I need to know you have heard me and things can be different. If I don't hear from you in a week or so, I will assume you do not want to resume relations. If that is the case, I wish you a good life."

He then can decide whether he wants to think about those issues. (If I know him, he will think about it.  Whether he reengages in conversation about those issues is unknown but he definitely will think about it.) There also is a good chance he will address those issues on the spot.  Either way, there is a deadline to this rather than now, which is left open indefinitely.

If you haven't read my story, he has had very brief contact with me during his silence, to wish my Happy birthday on Facebook.  (Of course that is a crumb, but my point is, there is no animosity between us, so I expect either a postive or neutral outcome.)