hello.. my ex-gf has BPD traits & has completely disowned me unexpectedly.

[hollybird]

Greetings. This is my first try at such a message board; I've leaned only on friends and family up to this point. I've just read the articles on this site for two hours, so I really feel good about reaching out.

My now ex-girlfriend (I am a lesbian) has been diagnosed with severe depression, panic disorder, and borderline personality disorder "traits".

She asked me to marry her while we were on our first big international trip (where we showered each other with love - and yet she also started to self harm?). She broke it off with me a week later, as she was made nervous by me being tired - I even said, "Shut up!" when she kept panicking about my fatigue - I could feel the Mr. Hyde coming, and I wasn't kind in saying shut up -- she just retreated for a day until she raged out the next morning and broke my heart. She's broken up with me over 25 times in 15 months, but I couldn't have her break off a wedding engagement more than once -- she soon said she "didn't mean it", but I can't be abused like this anymore.

We broke off - still overseas, she contacts the ex I'm jealous of because she's admitted to emotional infidelity with this woman, I melt down severely -- absolutely lose it, throw things from the trip away, speed in the car yelling, just snapped. I've dysfunctionally I have tried in vain to save this woman. The most beautiful woman I know, imho... I tried and tried. Unhealthy of me.

I then decided to not move back in with her upon arriving home. She was so devastated that I committed a year of long distance so she can get the intensive, now 18hrs/week therapy she needs as a diagnosed person with severe depression, panic, and BPD " traits". I'm now getting help with my codependency. We were really being nice, fun, supportive and healthy with this new commitment to healthy healing independently but emotionally still together.

I reached out to clarify that her "accusing" me that I had borderline pd wasn't showing up in my own therapy, and I hadn't lied before the trip we took -- these two things felt very wrong to keep sitting on. I just wanted to be free of the pain of her viciously attacking me with these accusations -- especially since I never lie to loved ones, makes no sense to do so, and she's now been diagnosed with BPD traits, not me -- I wanted the projection to end!

But she was "not able to handle it" and instructed me to get support elsewhere for my frustrations about the relationship. I apologized sincerely (even though I was trying to share my feelings to be healed), and I went back to being more topical and just bouncy and kind.

Then she canceled plans we had... I told her if my disappointment and lack of wanting the push/pull -- she said it wasn't push/pull, she's really sick with her depression. The next day her mother ceases to talk to me ever again, and she tells my parents that her daughter's treatment team believes I'm an "abuser"

Then she and her mother ostracized me and threatened me legally -- even though I truly don't understand why. I HAVE been emotionally out of control during unexpected break ups or verbally abusive behavior from her -- but I'm not a bad egg. I've also never been accused of being abusive before, and I have no experience of abuse in my family home, so it doesn't even make sense to me.

I'm reading everything I can about BPD, even though I am already a psychiatric nurse who's done inpatient for seven years. It's different when you fall in love. I read one of the articles by a recovered BPD person on this site that assures the reader that her love during idealization was real and not fake... .it's just hard to find any truth -- we were engaged six weeks ago - and very happy for the whole 6 days - then still committed... .and since starting 4hrs of dialectical behavior therapy four days a week, I'm out.

I want her to be happy, and I'm better alone in many respects (I'm a trauma-kid). I am glad she is doing what is healthiest for her -- just her taking back the year for us to work on ourselves with the hopes of getting a healthy relationship out of it -- because we seemed to love each other very much... .it's hard to feel the switch from a different State and -- I guess my dilemma is obvious. I did ask and receive firm closure from her that she IS gone for good -- and it is healthiest. Just reeling a bit... .luckily not as intensely as before. I'm getting help with my codependency and bipolar II disorder too now. All in all good, I am relieved on a deeper level - just also grieving.

Thoughts and shared experiences welcomed. Thank you.

[Welgrow]

Hi Hollybird ,

I'm glad to be the first person to welcome you. It sounds like you've had a hard journey with lots of ups and downs. It also sounds like you've found the right place to share and find some support for this confusing time. I'm also in a rescuing type profession, and I understand that you have already realized that you have codependent characteristics. I've read that we codependent rescuer types are very prone to falling in love/enmeshment with a person with BPD. I'll tell you what they told me upon welcoming me:

-take it easy on yourself... .This has been a hard situation, so give yourself a break. You deserve it.

-keep posting and talking and reading things both here and elsewhere. And you don't have to rush.

-make sure you do things to take care of yourself. You're worth it.

-it sounds like you're already in therapy  good move... .Keep it up.

Welcome.