I find it very hard to set boundaries with my BPD wife. after 30 years of marriage and her progressively worsening criticisms. I almost have no boundaries so what I do I end up getting angry or saying the wrong thing and that results in her telling me to get out so in a way I set a boundary almost foolishly enabling me to get out and get some peace and quiet. but I think everyone agrees this is a bad way to set a boundary. it's just so hard to give up your hobbies your friends your spiritual life just because this one person doesn't like it that you have a life or that they feel abandoned. it seems so unfair but I know this is what BPD does to a so. as you know its very exhausting its very tiring I feel like I need a very long vacation you feel like you need to find yourself again. I think a person who can live with a significant other with BPD and not only keep their sanity but love themselves enjoy life and really deeply love their significant other with BPD to me is sort of a heroic person someone with the courage to do the right thing in spite of everything going wrong it really is a courageous thing to do.
Mod Note: This post was split from BoundariesMy story is somewhat similar to yours, with the difference in gender (a husband) and number of years (25). When I try to evaluate myself I can say I managed to set some boundaries, but it´s like working in a mine. I turned to other things and persons (more friends and more time with the rest of the family), I rediscovered some of my favorite activities before knowing my BPDh.
The result was that I really DO feel better and I saved my sanity, but my BPD didn´t just sit with arms crossed. Conclusion: they change too, within their limits.
No. 1: He corrected SOME of his really hurtful ways of functioning, but it was just supressing. He had to find the other way to vent out and to my utmost fear it was on the weakest family member: our 18yr old daughter. So, this is the pattern: if without treatment, it is just redirecting somewhere else. (Now, I have to work on strengthening her, but when I find time I will write separately about that.)
If you do the same as I, be clever and go one step ahead and try to foresee where it is going to end.
No 2: When a nonBPD turns to other sources of energy and satisfaction, it might create their envy and jealousy. In my/his case it did. If a BPD has sensitive antennas, he/she might fall upon our new source of strength.
But even if and when it is so, I never regretted my devoting to myself.
The most difficult thing to understand is that their changes (if any) are minimal and that we nonBPDs have to accept such reality and be the locomotive of our lives.
I wish you all the peace and sanity if the world.
