Need Support, Encouragement, and Advise for my Husband of 19 years

[agood]

I am new on the site. My children and I have been suffering with my husband's bi-polar and boarder mental disorder for years. we have been going to counseling off and on for  years. every time they recommend additional mental support on medication he will stop going. straighten out for a while until the next big episode and start counseling to hold on to his marriage. I feel trapped by my commitment to raise my children in a mentally healthy environment and try to care for my husband as he gets increasingly worse. I love him with all my heart and at one point he was a great man. Now he is extremely irrational, unable to maintain a job, unable to have comprehensive conversation and is very verbally abusive to me and the kids.

my children feel they hate him and that to stay with him means I don't love them. I love my kids with everything in me and yet in my heart I feel deeply sorry for him and feel that I could only hope that if it were me that became ill there would be someone their for me.

my husband and I both had brothers who suffered with schizophrenia. we were concerned that one of our own children may get it. we talked for years of our plans to care for them if they had it. understanding that both our brothers stated with our parents until they passed away.

it never occurred to me that it would be my husband with the metal illness. now I can't help but think that all the plans and thought for my child would have be directed to my husband and I will be doing it alone without my children's or family support or understanding.

I am afraid of the decisions I make. I believe they affect too many people. I don't want my children to think I don't love them but I don't want to leave this man of 19 years who was preparing to do what was necessary to take care of us.

these are the thing no one takes about before you say I Do.

I am crying out for some support and advise. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Turkish]

Hello agood,



It sounds like you all are stuck in a dysfunctional cycle, and your H rejecting the advice of professionals sounds maddening. He makes an effort to keep things going, but things keep going downhill.

I'm especially sorry that your children are pressuring you. I saw this pain with my Ex, who wanted her mother to leave her father for years. In the end, however, your marriage is between you and your husnand. How old are your kids?

What kind of behaviors is he exhibiting that have been getting worse?

Turkish

[HappyChappy]

I can totally understand the massive pressure you must feel under and I’m sorry things have worked out this way. If I understand correctly, you had expected to care for the kids as a team, but now you’ve lost half the team to your husband’s illness. Your kids have lost patience with the situation. You feel like an only parent at times and this isolation is too much pressure along with the challenging behaviour.

Well the good news is by sharing on this site, hopeful you can begin to feel a little less isolated. You are talking about very familiar ground to those on this site so hopefully you can get validation here. But  we need to know a bit more about the scenario. Bi-polar and BPD often get miss diagnosed but are treated in a very different manner. Bi polar is normally seen as a chemical imbalance treated with mood stabilisers and other medications, where as BPD is seen as a thought patter, treated by CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy). Has your husband received a definitive diagnosis ? Is he on meds ?  Also is there anyone else is there in your life who can give you a break via baby sitting or otherwise ? Are you seeing couples counselling, or do you also have a session just for yourself? Feel free to say whatever you want on here, I’ve yet to see a troll on this forum, we’ve all experienced similar tribulations. Welcome.  

[sweetheart]

Hello agood and really warm welcome to bpdfamily.

You will most definitely find support, encouragement and advise from our members here.

Living with a mentally ill spouse who is not well engaged with treatment and then raising a family will have been exhausting. And I'm sure emotionally overwhelming at times. It doesn't sound as though you have had much support at all.   

I have a young son and a husband with schizophrenia and a co-morbid dx of BPD. He has struggled and still does when in crisis to fully engage with mental health services, making our lives much harder at times. It's very difficult as I can hear in your post to see someone we love suffer so much. I can also share and understand your sadness about not getting the marriage you expected, mental illness can make an insidious path through a relationship, creating a lot of collateral damage.

How torn and conflicted you must be as a parent to hear from your children that they want more of you whilst at the same time feeling you need to be there to care for your husband. I understand that balancing act, those choices, and what I know from my own experiencing, from reading and posting here is that something has to change. Because it is not possible to keep that many balls in the air.



One of the things I did when my husband was at his most unwell was to get involved with Carer Services, they were attached to our community local mental health team. I have been getting focused support from a mental health family link worker for the last three years. I also attend a monthly Carers Support Group. I live in the UK, but I'm sure your local mental health services or family doctor will be able to signpost you. Along with posting on this forum it was my starting point to starting to put my needs first.

So starting today we can hear you and will help guide you wherever you want to go. HappyChappy has asked some great questions which will help us better understand where you would most like to focus. Come back and let us know what advise and support would help you most today.