How do you let go of the guilt?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi there! I was the one who left the relationship with a pBPD. But, still I can´t get rid of the guilt feeling. I know he´s not right for me and I think I made the right choice of leaving (for my own sake), but I can´t help feeling a bit selfish and guilty. Maybe I could have helped him? Maybe I could have done something? Maybe I gave up too soon? Maybe he had nobody to point him to the wrong things that he was doing? His mother left him when he was 10, he grew with his father, he most likely had nobody to teach him things and how to live functionally. He is now back with his ex GF who according to him is bipolar (he didn´t say that directly, but he said she "has this thing, she is sometimes like this, sometimes like that and her ex boyfriends left her because of that".) I can just imagine how unhealthy their relationship is. He also said they were fighting all the time and now he is back with her! Do you think I could have helped? On the other hand, I am not equiped to help, as I´m not a therapist. How do I get rid of that guilt feeling and move on? Does anyone else feel this way? Maybe this feelings are due to him emotionally manipulating me... .

Thanks!

[lala42]

Hi there! I was the one who left the relationship with a pBPD. But, still I can´t get rid of the guilt feeling. I know he´s not right for me and I think I made the right choice of leaving (for my own sake), but I can´t help feeling a bit selfish and guilty. Maybe I could have helped him? Maybe I could have done something? Maybe I gave up too soon? Maybe he had nobody to point him to the wrong things that he was doing? His mother left him when he was 10, he grew with his father, he most likely had nobody to teach him things and how to live functionally. He is now back with his ex GF who according to him is bipolar (he didn´t say that directly, but he said she "has this thing, she is sometimes like this, sometimes like that and her ex boyfriends left her because of that".) I can just imagine how unhealthy their relationship is. He also said they were fighting all the time and now he is back with her! Do you think I could have helped? On the other hand, I am not equiped to help, as I´m not a therapist. How do I get rid of that guilt feeling and move on? Does anyone else feel this way? Maybe this feelings are due to him emotionally manipulating me... .

Thanks!

[C.Stein]

I have felt, and still do to some extent, a tremendous amount of guilt and remorse despite being replaced then thrown away like trash.  

Feeling guilt is a normal consequence of a broken relationship.  You will continue to question your role but eventually you will realize there was nothing you could have done to prevent what happened.  His problems (flying monkeys, circus sideshow, etc... .) are not your problems and you cannot "fix" him.  I am sure others will chime in saying the same thing.

Accept responsibility for your own actions (not his) and strive towards finding some measure of forgiveness for yourself.   Most importantly, examine your own role and mistakes as honestly and objectively as you can so you can learn from them and take something positive away from this relationship.

[anothercasualty]

I feel guilt as well. I wonder "what if", but that is subsiding as time goes by. One thing I have figured out about myself, I cannot trust my thoughts at this point fully. There is too much "post-breakup-chemical-stuff" going on in my head and heart to know that my thoughts are completely correct. So, I do the best I can and let time and the natural course of healing works its magic. Every day I am less attached and more resolute in my decision.

Peace!

[Isa_lala]

I have believed for 3 years that I could help my BF, I was sure I would "save" him from the BPD so is have stayed in the rs with the hope things would change

When I realized that there was nothing I could do, that I would never change him and that he probably would never seek for help as he had been promising me for 3 years, I started the detachment process and here I am, I left him.

And I do not have any guilt.

Maybe you have to give you he necessary time to accept you cannot "save" others when they don't want to be saved... .

I hope you will reach very soon the peace of mind you deserve

[lala42]

I feel like he has no control of himself and doesn´t want to take any responsability for himself. When we met I told him I am very supportive and asked him what he really wanted to do in life, so I could support him (because he was rather lost, doing random jobs just to make some money). He told me he really wanted to be a musician and then he said: ":)ear Lord sent you to save my life." But, later on, he never wanted to do anything about his goal or work hard on achieving it. Quite the opposite, he would fight me if I said something. It seems like he needs other people to "save" him, organize him, push him... .he can´t do this stuff by himself... .but at the same time, he would fight them. As I said, I am very supportive, but I don´t want a guy who I need to push all the time, like he is a little baby.

Same with food.

I really don´t think I could have helped because everytime I would tell him something to improve he´d just fight me. I think it was partially because he couldn´t stand me being "smarter" than him (maybe the male ego thing), idk.

It also seems like he gave up on his music goals. Stupid in my opinion, but whatever.

We weren´t that long together, I sensed it was wrong and got out.

[Isa_lala]

I feel like he has no control of himself and doesn´t want to take any responsability for himself. When we met I told him I am very supportive and asked him what he really wanted to do in life, so I could support him (because he was rather lost, doing random jobs just to make some money). He told me he really wanted to be a musician and then he said: ":)ear Lord sent you to save my life." But, later on, he never wanted to do anything about his goal or work hard on achieving it. Quite the opposite, he would fight me if I said something. It seems like he needs other people to "save" him, organize him, push him... .he can´t do this stuff by himself... .but at the same time, he would fight them. As I said, I am very supportive, but I don´t want a guy who I need to push all the time, like he is a little baby.

Same with food.

I really don´t think I could have helped because everytime I would tell him something to improve he´d just fight me. I think it was partially because he couldn´t stand me being "smarter" than him (maybe the male ego thing), idk.

It also seems like he gave up on his music goals. Stupid in my opinion, but whatever.

We weren´t that long together, I sensed it was wrong and got out.

My bf (I cannot tell my ex boyfriend yet... .) has same issues with financial management. I gave him plenty of advice as he asks for but never do anything

I ended up giving the subject up ... .

[SamwizeGamgee]

You put it very well. I know that being a survivor of mistreatment (abuse) should make us feel happy, and joyous, and most of all not-guilty for leaving (or wanting to leave, in my case).  But, that's just not how it works.  Unlike so many people, I can't say I love my uBPDw, and will miss her, or, that I long for the good old days, or whatever.  I don't, can't and probably won't.  But, I stay married, out of duty, guilt, and mostly for wanting to be in my kids' lives as much as possible.  Why?

I don't know.  I am looking at my wiring. Presently, I simply accept that staying for the kids is what I am doing - right now at least.  I am trying to diminish the feelings of guilt that I have for researching divorce, planning it, and even taking steps towards divorce.  I try to remember that I have to live my life.  I have a purpose, and equally authentic needs and desires, as anyone else.  No one should feel guilty for protecting and improving themselves. 

I'm just following my feelings as much as I can, but it's tough when feelings conflict.